It's less than three weeks until Christmas, and as usual despite all my efforts, OF COURSE I AM BEHIND in getting all the shopping done. For instance, I realized that HOURS OF MY DAY was taken up by trying to find the best EGG COOKER. How does this happen? There's hardly any damn difference between them! They are plastic and metal and they COOK EGGS! AIEEE!

Letting that go unfinished, I decided to pop into one of the local discount stores after I dropped Mr14 off at martial arts tonight to see if I could find some small gift items. It was a prettay, prettay sad selection of stuff -- not good enough to buy as actual presents, not bad enough to buy as joke presents. Everything looked tired and bland, and everyone in the store looked tired and bland. Awful pop-country Christmas songs played over the PA, and I started to feel as woebegone as the overburdened ass that good ol' 'bout-to-pop Mother Mary rode into the smelly, cold, dark stable. Fortunately, my fellow fail-shoppers were funny. I have stolen their overheard words for you.


Sweet Elder Lady 1: (holding up a tiny baby onesie with a Santa on it) Oh, I should get this for my grandbaby! I think it's the right size?

Sweet Elder Lady 2: (nodding) Oh ya, you can't have enough onesies for them. They piss through everything.


Clerk 1: (referring to Clerk 3) Where is she? Did she go home?

Clerk 2: No, she's still in the back. She's been sick all day!

Clerk 1: Well, Jesus on a plate, tell her to go home already! I ain't happy about it, but I'm here anyway, whatever, right!

(Clerk 3 comes out bundled like she is going to Siberia. She looks the tiredest and blandest of us all.)

Clerk 1: Go home, rest up! You can figure out your schedule for Sunday when you get home.

Clerk 3: (whispering into her scarf, unheard by Clerks 1 or 2) Shit.


Wife: (to husband, slightly peeved) Did you look in the toy aisle for ducks?

Husband: (sheepishly) Yeah...there were a couple...I dunno, I didn't like 'em that much.

Wife: (more peeved) It doesn't MATTER if YOU like them! SHE likes ducks! We need ducks!

Husband: (joining in on peeved) She has so many already! We don't have room!

Wife: (raising her voice) She will CRY! You want crying on Christmas?? GET A DUCK!