It was a first: I must say I have never, ever before spent part of my Christmas Eve shopping at Goodwill, but that's where I was tonight, looking for a few small crucial last-minute items. While I was there I could not help but peruse the record section, and as always, found some oddities to share with you, MY HOLIDAY GIFT TO YOU. Please to enjoy!

WHY WHY WHY WHY would a band name themselves after one of the UGLIEST MONKEYS EVER and then have the UGLY MONKEY on the cover?? MANDRILL. WTF. Who is EVER going to walk into a store and ask for the latest MANDRILL album???

Holiday party boy George Beverly Shea no doubt is wondering in his eggnoggy haze where he stashed his Santa condoms.

I want you to think about the effort it took to bring a concert grand piano to the railyard just to make a ABOMINABLE PUN. I also bet you can guess what I think would be a better last name for him. HINT: four letters, begins with "S," has the word "IT" in the middle, and ends with the letter "T."

If you ask me, this looks more like the "Gate of Gullibility."

Mother Goose Land looks like an acid-induced nightmare.

"America's #1 Christian Aerobics LP!"

So, so many questions. Who bought this? Why did they decide to dump it at the Goodwill? And who are all these "Top Banjo Stars???"

Like, the belonging to the Premier? Like, of China or something?

Where are the 16 Singing Men? Are they under the water? Hiding behind that big rock? Way, way back on the cliff? I feel no "Wonderful Peace" because I fear the MEN are LOST!

I am disappointed that The Rambos aren't singing songs about kicking major ass and taking steroids. Although maybe they are.

If you want to be one of "God's Wonderful People," I suggest wide ties, virginal-white granny dresses, and that your main whip is a 1920s tractor.

This is surely the saddest child's party ever: the lonely birthday boy slowly loses his sanity as he watches an ice cream clown melt into the table. No little guests ever arrive.

One of Tom's songs here must be, "Hey, Kids, I've Got Hydrocephalus!"

If you try to tell me you aren't secretly jealous of Johnny's hair and jacket, I shall call you this: LIAR!

Foster Brooks did a fine job playing a comedic drunkard AS SEEN ON TV, but I'm not really sure if the joke would extend to an entire LP of "20 Great Hits!"

Oh, man...I hope "look for the silver lining" in this case isn't in the same boat as "lie back and think of England."


Peter looks like he'd play you a little song and then eat your face.

In retrospect, I find the last name of "Slaughter" to be unfortunate.

And finally, I hope Santa brings you somewhere in your Christmas stocking the required paperwork so that you, too, may someday have the name E. POWER BIGGS!