Me: Welcome to Popthomology, Arizona. I’m so glad you could be here today. I know you’ve been very busy recently.

The State Of Arizona: That is very true. We’re not really used to all this media attention down here. You know, no one even really lived here until air-conditioning was developed. And by “no one” I mean “regular normal” Americans, like our John McCain and our Steve Allen and our Wayne Newton. You know what I’m sayin’.

Me: Oh, indeed I do, Arizona, indeed I do. Let’s talk about this immigration bill controversy that’s going on. Can you explain a little bit about it for the readers here?

AZ: Of course. We have too many Mexicans here. They need to go home.

Me: Excuse me?

AZ: Mexicans. You can’t drive down the street without hitting a few of ‘em anymore. Can’t use bear traps. Can’t napalm no one no more. Gotta do something; they’re fast breeders.

Me: Oh, my. May I remind you that a third of your population is of Hispanic descent and that until the mid-1800s, Arizona belonged to the Indian natives, the Spanish, and Mexico?

AZ: What’s your point, sister?

Me: My point is that Uncle Sam’s 15-million-dollar payout to force-purchase Arizona from Mexico back in the day doesn’t at all change that fact that the state’s very foundation is based on native and Hispanic culture, with roots that thrive even in the desolation of the place.

AZ: Desolation! We’re known for our lush golf courses here, I’ll have you know!

Me: Don’t get me started. Nobody should really live in a place that has no water, where the sun broils the skulls of its residents for half the year, and where you might find a scorpion in the baby’s breakfast cereal.

AZ: My rattlesnake boots are sweet.

Me: I bet, Howdy Doody.

AZ: Well, you’re one to talk, Miss High-And-Whitey. You lived here.

Me: Yes, I did. I also chose to move away after 18 months.

AZ: You can’t tell me that you didn’t see some of the problems we are facing. Those illegals are draining all our resources, they bring in crime and poverty and all the headaches that a transient population makes. They take and take and take and pay no taxes. It’s wrong!

Me: Let me guess: the guys that do your landscaping are not Irish, and that you haven’t exactly asked what their immigration status is because they do nice work for cheap.

AZ: Well, OK. Those guys are cool. The rest of them gotta go. The police are finally going to get their rightful authority to kick these leeches out!

Me: I’m just going to go out on a limb here and guess that not every member of Arizona law enforcement has border-crosser super detection radar powers, because that is what it will take to determine an illegal person of Hispanic descent from a legal person of Hispanic descent. When you have identifiable visual qualities to a group of people, how can you ever claim you won’t be racial profiling? It’s impossible.


Me: A border state has different problems than other states, especially when the country it borders has a great deal of problems. I understand that. People want to protect what they perceive as their country, their morals, their rights. They worry that there isn’t enough to go around.

AZ: Now you’re coming around. Want to come to a Tea Party meeting with me? It’s close to ASU so there’s lots of hot dumb chicks around to ogle.

Me: No, thanks. I’m good.

AZ: Let me tell you how it is. The reason we passed this law is so someone would finally pay attention to us down here. We knew it was going to go straight into a court fight, and that’s exactly what we wanted. We want to make the Fed finally pay to shut down our border once and for all. They are supposed to be supporting us, and they do nothing. Plus, while this law stands, all of those Hispanics are going to get the idea that Arizona doesn’t want them. The illegals will not want the increased risk, and the legals will get tired of making sure they have perfect documentation every time they go out of their homes. We’re sending a message to the world. They aren’t wanted, they aren’t valuable, they aren’t respected, and we are going to do everything we can to make them know it.

Me: That’s pretty hardcore racism, Arizona.

AZ: Nothing you can do about it, baby.

Me: You think?