This is my official statement on the Tiger Woods sex scandal: I JUST DON’T GIVE A SHIT. I don’t really get why anyone else does either. Let us review.

Tiger Woods is a sports celebrity. He has been pushed and driven all his life, by himself and his parents and others, to succeed at a very high level. He became very wealthy and well-known for his efforts, and gave the public the impression that he was an intelligent man of character and determination. He is still all of those things. He is also, as most very successful famous folks are, absolutely filled with ego and entitlement and a need for power. This does not fit in well with monogamous young family life.

WHY is anyone surprised that Tiger took advantage of what was sexually offered up to him on a daily basis? WHY is it shocking that he would be all into Skank City as well as his pretty, clean Scandinavian wife? HOW can anyone at all be so naïve as to believe that any kind of celebrity is some kind of hero? HOW can one not know the psychology of the very-highly-driven MUST include some kind of massive and unpalatable VENT? Those are the more interesting questions to me.

The ins-and outs of Tiger and Elin Woods’ marriage (sorry for that horrifying pun) is really no one’s business but theirs. He’s a golfer, folks. A GOLFER. He whacks tiny little balls with a long stick for a living. He’s not curing cancer. He clearly hurt his wife a great deal and that was scummy and cowardly, but again, why should anyone be shocked? This was a guy who never should have gotten married but did to have the perks of that while continuing to enjoy the perks of celeb single life. EGO SAYS: JUST DO IT. So that’s what he did. YOU WORK HARD, YOU DESERVE IT. LIFE IS TELLING YOU SO. LOOK AT ALL THOSE BOOBS AND STUFF. ALLLL FOR YOU. YOOOOOOOOOOO. Regular boundaries simply melt away after awhile.

The media seems to suggest that Elin Woods was blindsided by the discovery of Tiger’s infidelities. I would suggest that it is far more likely that he left a long trail of tiny little breadcrumbs for her to see, and she chose not to notice them. Running after a preschooler and an infant all day also tends to make it less likely that you want to face the fact that your dream marriage is not exactly what you signed up for, and that you have to make a decision what you want to do about that. His actions were never her fault, but to expect more out of him than he was likely able to stick to was either living in denial or youthful hope. Or maybe Elin just never really knew him at all.

So off Tiger went to sex rehab. Yes, I am so sure that all of a sudden the dude isn’t going to be into the nasty thrill of “bad boy” sex. Yeah, that’ll work. Sure. He’ll keep saying how sorry he is and how much he loves his family, and I bet that is all true. But he’s still going to be jonesing forever about the bad girls and the power trip he also gets off on by putting another notch on the ol’ 9-iron. He can possibly control the urges, but they aren’t going to go away. His vent might change, but I bet it isn’t going to be anything much better.

And yesterday, this new Nike commercial, a desperate move to keep Tiger’s endorsement deal viable.

Yes, folks, we now have an excellent new low in exploitation for cash. That’s the voice of Tiger Woods’ DEAD DAD speaking about character over the somber face of Tiger staring into the camera, with two Nike swooshes prominently displayed. I actually laughed aloud when I saw this, imagining the ad agency scramble: HOW THE HELL DO WE SPIN THIS HORN DOG THING TO MAKE SOME MONEY FOR US AGAIN?

Is ANYONE buying this? And again, why should WE give a shit? Tiger should either work on his issues totally in private or get a divorce and live the high life openly. He’d be lauded for either one, truthfully. In the end, I just can’t care about what bag he stores his clubs in. Why should you? To be a great athlete, or a great actor or great judge or great king or whatever is not dependent on individual sexual proclivities, is it? Watch Tiger Woods or don’t. Buy Nike or don’t. Not the first time, never the last. Welcome to the world, world.