I like InStyle magazine, I really do. It’s the only fashion mag I buy on a regular basis because it’s got a great visual style, has lots of usable and up-to-date info, and doesn’t fill out the magazine with slimy sex articles or anything at all to do with Oprah. But forgive me sometimes if I take their suggestions my way. These, from stylist Nicole Chavez, are the ten things she thinks all women should own. Hmm, I said. Hmmm.

Black blazer

"A tailored blazer is classic, feminine and looks great on all body types. Pair it with anything: jeans, little dresses, trousers, skirts. Make sure to find one that fits you well and accentuates your waist--you don't want it to look like it's swallowing you!"

I’ve had a lot of black blazers over the years – vintage, new, tailored, baggy, girly, butch. The common feeling I have when wearing all of them is that I am destined for an important funeral.

Leopard print scarf

"Even if you're wearing a basic T-shirt and jeans, use accessories like a printed scarf as the 'bright' piece to complete your look."

Nothing says “old bat covering up a crepe-y neck” faster than the leopard print scarf.

Red Flats

"Black is the obvious choice, but red flats provide a pop of color and work for every season. I love to pair them with a striped shirt and a trench coat."

Hey,Dorothy…save the Wizard of Oz fashion for Halloween. And the suggestion to wear red flats, a striped shirt, and a trenchcoat sounds like you should add in a baguette and a pencil mustache while you’re at it. Too obnoxiously French.

Striped Shirt

"This timeless classic is having a comeback. It looks great paired with brights or prints or peeking out from underneath a blazer.

Nothing says “I am trying to convince you I am not short and fat” more than vertical stripes. Horizontal shirt stripes are too ‘80s, taken from the mod ‘60s, taken from jail.

Statement Necklace

"I believe in having basics in your closet and playing with your accessories. The statement necklace can make a simple outfit look strong and feminine."

I believe no one should ever use the phrase “statement necklace.”

Little Black Dress

"Every woman knows she should have a little black dress, but it's important to invest in one that's special. Look for a dress with a detail--an interesting sleeve, an embellished belt--that makes it unique. And remember that finding the right fit is important!"

I have a little black dress. I broke it in by kicking some creep in the ‘nads at a concert a couple of years ago. Is that enough detail?

Black Opaque Tights

"A great pair of tights can make your legs look slimmer and help you get away with wearing a dress that's a little too short. Double them up for a more opaque look -- and to keep you warm in the winter!"

You know very well that underneath those black tights there’s 3 weeks of leg hair growth and spider veins. Black tights are the equivalent of wearing the Hat To Cover Your Greasy Hair Because You Didn’t Shower This Morning.

Oversize Watch

"A watch is as much an accessory as it is a timepiece. A gold watch is a great way to dress an outfit up -- try leaving it loose so it looks like a bracelet."

An oversized, gold watch. That doesn’t seem tacky, no.

Flared Jeans

"This is a flattering shape for most body types. Pair them with platforms or wedges to get extra height while keeping the look casual and comfortable."

If you’ve already been through the fashion cycle of flares with platforms, beware: you can’t just dig out the 35-year-old stuff you wore. On a 20-year-old it looks vintage cool. On you it looks like you never actually stopped wearing it and still have a Peter Frampton poster up in your bedroom. Yes, I am talking to myself here. Next.

Classic Trench

"Think of this as an investment piece -- you'll wear it forever, even if you fluctuate in size. Look for a classic A-line silhouette that will cinch you in at the waist and wear it over everything from suits to jeans."

Generally, the trench makes you look like a man. A fat man, hiding guns or selling oversized gold watches.

By the way, I own all of these things.