BLOTTER 10

Oh my goodness, have we a jam-packed HUUUUUGE police blotter for you this month! Loaded with character, surrealism, and stupidity, is our America! Enjoy!FACEBOOKEDBurglary: A 27-year-old Kirkland man was disturbed by being unfriended via Facebook by another Kirkland man and came to that man's house, punched him in the face, and broke into the residence. The suspect then destroyed the inside of the residence and was charged with burglary, assault...

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I HAVE A (DAY)DREAM

I have this frequent daydream, common to harried nerd moms the world over. Sometimes I allow myself to close my eyes for a moment and I imagine myself in a charming tiny cottage by the ocean in a sunny and sparsely-populated funky beach town – maybe Florida, maybe California, maybe somewhere I’ve never been before. It’s warm, but not blisteringly so, the soft breeze off the water gently blows through the cottage windows just enough to move the curtains....

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DON'T MENTION THE WAR!

The best thing, I think, to any given day are the little surprises that come my way – the good ones, not the crappy ones like a tax audit or a tsunami. Today’s unexpected fun came from some Twitter banter, which turned into @Gbowdish tossing some rather mind-boggling German advertising my way. I usually count on Japan for the inexplicable and peculiar in almost any medium, but today I am going to pass along a few of these ads, some completely bizarre,...

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NATIONAL POETRY MONTH: GET IT WHILE YOU CAN!

Because I'm swift and such, I am reminding you that April is National Poetry Month here in the ol' U.S. of A., with only a few days left in said month. I do realize that it's likely most people find poetry a bit, well, snoooootaaayyy; it can seem impenetrably dense, overly grand, silly, simple, pretentious, academic, not for the regular folk. But I am going to stick up for poetry here, even though I myself don't write a lot of it, unless you count funny haikus or drippy teenage song lyric laments. Poetry is both a very disciplined art as well as...

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TWEETY BLURRED

I guess the most fascinating thing about the internet for me is the opportunity to instantly just drop into different cultures with a single click. It’s the ultimate fly-on-the-wall experience. It is something that completely did not exist prior to the series of those electronical tubes being constructed along the Alaskan Pipeline, running all the way to the North Pole, where Santa’s Elves act as online customer service agents for Comcast on the...

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INSTYLE, SNARKED

I like InStyle magazine, I really do. It’s the only fashion mag I buy on a regular basis because it’s got a great visual style, has lots of usable and up-to-date info, and doesn’t fill out the magazine with slimy sex articles or anything at all to do with Oprah. But forgive me sometimes if I take their suggestions my way. These, from stylist Nicole Chavez, are the ten things she thinks all women should own. Hmm, I said. Hmmm.Black blazer"A tailored...

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HA 29

Best laugh of the day, courtesy bannedinhollywood, a very amusing pla...

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MY CONVERSATION WITH THE STATE OF ARIZONA

Me: Welcome to Popthomology, Arizona. I’m so glad you could be here today. I know you’ve been very busy recently.The State Of Arizona: That is very true. We’re not really used to all this media attention down here. You know, no one even really lived here until air-conditioning was developed. And by “no one” I mean “regular normal” Americans, like our John McCain and our Steve Allen and our Wayne Newton. You know what I’m sayin’.Me: Oh, indeed I do,...

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FAREWELL, CRAP BLOG

The time has come.Diarrhea Island will be no more.I'm saying goodbye to my fecal friend, my crap companion, my bowel-y buddy, with a little tear in my eye and a cramp in my gut.WAIT! DON'T HANG YOURSELF! HOLD ON! LET ME FINISH HERE!I'm just re-naming the blog. HA HA, like I'd stop writing shit.After two years and almost a thousand posts in, it's time for a change. The name "Diarrhea Island" still makes ME laugh and other folks too, but other people...

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HOW TO FIX YOUR ENTIRE LIFE: SOME INTERNET PERSON’S ADVICE

I’m crabby because I am getting the family viral illness, so earlier in the day I was considering posting nothing but old Anacin commercials with screaming housewives just to cheer myself up. But lucky lucky you, instead I decided to go ahead and write my semi-annual Unwanted Advice rant. This time, I am going to break down to the very nib the things you need to do to fix most of the chronic crap in your life that makes you whine and cry and sigh and punch walls and stare at a TV set blankly for 6 hours a night. I could have parsed this out for...

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WRITER'S CROCK

Last week, I was checking out a online travel essay site getting ready to launch later this year, thinking about submitting a piece or two. As I read the extremely-lengthy submission guidelines, I started shaking my head. Oh. It’s one of those places, where they want the wri-tahhhh with “I TOIL GRIMLY FOR MY ART” written on their precious, bulging, gifted foreheads. I kept reading, and even started chuckling to myself. The site's two editors were...

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PREFAIL CODE

You know.When you get a presale code for Ticketbastard.And wait patiently until 10AM to buy your very very very expensive show tickets.And then see through many page refreshes that your presale code only allows you to buy the WORST SEATS IN THE PLACE because they aren't even releasing the others, apparently.You wonder.You do.HAVE I ENTERED PRESALE BIZARRO WORLD?GRRR...

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FOR YOU BLUE (MONDAY)

(Blue Monday by New Order comes on the car radio. MissSeven reads the dash display.)MissSeven: HAHAHAHAHA! Blue Monday??? What does that mean? HAHAHAHA!Me: I dunno.MissSeven: A Monday can't be blue! What were these guys doing? HAHAHA! That's crazy! Were they crazy? HAAAA! (pause) It sounds cool, though.Me: (big smi...

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AUDIT THIS, BUDDY

Hey, Republican Tom Schweich, Tea Party Pal and candidate for Missouri State Auditor! I have a suggestion about WHERE SOME OF YOUR OWN MONEY SHOULD GO -- straight to The Dandy Warhols' pockets.It's bad enough that you ripped off their "Bohemian Like You" song for your painful right-wing "Gimme Back My Freedom" song and then deny it, but MY GOD YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER TRY TO SING AND YOU PLAY GUITAR LIKE A MONKEY WITH BOXING GLOVES ON.I don't know about you, Missouri, but I guess some qualities I would like in the person watching over my tax dollars...

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TEN PHRASES THAT SEND ME INTO APOPLEXY

FYI.1. "Well, I've never heard of that band/that song/that kind of music before, so it can't be any good."2. "It's time we take back America!"3. "I'm bored."4. "Oh, I could never do that -- what would everyone think?"5. "knowwhatImean?"6. "Things happen for a reason."7. "I'd like to have just a minute of your time to tell you about this great new offer."8. "One nation, under God."9. "I'm saving it for a special occasion."10. "Internet's dow...

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CLARO QUE NO

Of course not. Arizona, a very politically-odd state, is not going to get the “immigration problem” solved by its new ham-handed legislation, which now awaits the Governor’s signature to go into law. It will get signed, and then will immediately be challenged by any number of civil rights groups for what will likely be another long court mess. Fun in the sun!A summary: the new law will require all U.S. aliens to carry their registration papers on their person at all times, and mandates police to question any person they suspect might be in the...

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100TH AVENUE, N.E.

1.A young woman strides down the sidewalk, dolphin-grey tights on her long legs, her rich red coat billowing softly around her, unbuttoned, long baker’s-chocolate-brown hair bouncing with every step, all the colors deepened by the overcast skies. Post-War French Vogue, boarding school old-money, incongruous walking past the modern suburban public elementary.2. She has that orange-y home-bleached-blonde hair, so tightly pulled back into a bun that not a single strand falls to soften her aging face, her posture utterly upright, unusual in a very...

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COCO PUFFS: CONAN O'BRIEN IN SEATTLE

Like a starving feral cat on a fat juicy mouse, I pounced on my opportunity to get tickets to see TELEVISION’S VERY OWN pasty Irish beanpole, Conan O’Brien, as he made his way into Seattle on his “Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television” tour. If you are perusing this review, I know that you not only can read English at a high school level but also are likely to be aware of O’Brien’s recent trouble in TV land, hence the tour name. You...

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