I used to write one-sentence programming blurbs for Time-Warner cable. This was a strange freelance job I would do at home in one insane deadline-driven weekend a month, couriers bringing over stacks and stacks of material I had to very quickly read through and summarize in just a sentence or two per show or special event -- “stunt,” they called those. I realized pretty quickly after I started that no one was proofing my work; they were just sending it out to be printed for Cabletime as I wrote it. This was too tempting for me and I started writing stuff like “A Rambo Must-See Marathon For The Whole Family, WOW, don’t miss it, GONNA FLY NOWWWW!!” and “TBS proudly provides people popular pap!” Not bad for $75 an hour, huh? I was fired by letter about a year later. Three thousand other Time-Warner employees got canned the same day, so I am pretty sure they never did look at my writing. I have fond memories of madly typing away in my basement in a big red fluffy robe, quietly giggling while subverting the entertainment industry.

So in the holiday spirit, of which I have none, here are some very brief reviews of a few of the classic Christmas movies and TV specials that helped to form the character of people like me. If I had known I was getting fired, I would have written up the December Cabletime like this, for sure.

A Charlie Brown Christmas
: Charlie needs Prozac and his tree is shit, no want wants to stop dancing to jazz, Snoopy mocks Lucy, Linus sucks up to God.

How The Grinch Stole Christmas
: Bile-colored dumpy dude takes presents from weird-looking people in a valley, has a massive sack, commits animal cruelty, heart explodes when he sees people sing unintelligible song.

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer
: Gets inferiority complex when even his Dad thinks he’s ugly, runs away to chill with a gay elf, comes back to help Santa even though Santa was kind of a dick to him, gets a dumb deer girlfriend.

A Christmas Story
: A kid likes a gun, his Dad likes a lady lamp, a bully gets his ass kicked.

Home Alone
: Horrible large rich family forgets to take one of their kids with them on vacation , kid beats up robbers, family is never arrested for child neglect.

A Christmas Carol
: Crusty dude has a bizarre dream where he sees how he fucked up before, how’s he’s fucking up now, and how no one gives a shit about him in the future, and buys a turkey.

It’s A Wonderful Life
: Suicidal dude has a short old creepy guy show him how great he was and how things would be apocalyptically-bad without him; annoying child hears a bell.

Frosty The Snowman
: Happy Birthday, he dies.

The most entirely offensive Christmas show ever, A Charlie Brown Kwanzaa. Not Safe For Work, Children, Or Anyone. Please to enjoy.