I am a fortunate person. I have many, many awesome material items, my health is good, my children seem to be growing at the appropriate rates, and I don't need to toil under a merciless blazing sun picking grapes to be able to pay my cable bill. I abuse no substance, I require no adaptive equipment (oh, alright, the glasses then), I have no arrest record, and I have an expired United States passport with a really cute photo from 1987. My packaged hot cocoa even invites me to enjoy it while basking in warm chocolate memories:

I know what I have, and do appreciate it all. So another Christmas is here and because of the pre-described bounty above, there's really nothing I desperately need or want. I am pleased with the CD holder MissSeven made me in her woodworking class, some goodies in my stocking, and maybe that new mineral makeup that has a vibrating applicator brush. I already have my Dave Davies and Wilco and BRMC show tickets for 2010 even. That alone is huuuuuge! What I can tell you is what I DO NOT WANT. I am easily pleased, this is very true, but at the same time, don't tick me off with this godawful shit. Thank you in advance, Santa.


1. Snuggie: Man, I don't understand this at all. Why in the hell would I want a huge blanket I would WEAR? Don't you people GET UP AND MOVE AROUND? It should say on it "WOW, I AM SO LAZY AND PROBABLY FAT BUT YOU CAN'T TELL UNDER THIS THING." How about a sweater and turning up your DAMN HEAT? It would only get full of dog hair and food crumbs and smell bad. Gross.

2. Kindle: I realize the great function of this digital book device, but damn. Doesn't anyone want to FEEL a book anymore? It's kind of like when LPs were replaced by CDs, now replaced in large by invisible MP3's -- there's something cool about holding a real thing, rather than the digital representation of the real thing. Get off my lawn.

3. Perfume or Candles: They both give me a headache after a short amount of time and I am pretty sure that the combination would start a fire. A good-smelling fire, but still.

4. Earrings: These also give me a headache and I don't want to poke holes in my earlobes just to hang things that you can't ever see because my hair hangs down over them at all times. This seems sensible to me.

5. Any sort of cleaning or cooking device: Get out of here, unless it comes with someone else to run them too.

6. Any music on Billboard's Top 20 Albums: No Susan Boyle, Andrea Bocelli, Adam Lambert, Rhianna, Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, or Taylor Swift. No Carrie Underwood, Michael Jackson, John Mayer, Justin Bieber, Shakira, or NOW 32. No Casting Crowns, Michael Buble, or 50 Cent. No Norah Jones or the Twilight Moon soundtrack, because I already have those two. See, I'm not a total pop snob. But don't push me.

7. Candy or other holiday sweets: Dude. No. No, dude. No.

8. Any kind of small pet for the kids that I will end of having to clean poop from: Self-explanatory.

9. Puzzles or games: If I wanted more mental challenge, I'd get a Snuggie and watch the History Channel or something.

And finally...

10. A toad purse: Yes, this is made from REAL DEAD TOADS. I am breaking out in total skeeve just thinking about it. This doesn't need to exist.

So, then, maybe just get me a gift card to Safeway for some more Xanax-filled cocoa. Let's make it simple.