Large-eyed professional winsomist Zooey Deschanel and (semi-) successful wooer and definitely-successful indie musician Ben Gibbard are calling it quits after two years of legal couple status. This effects me directly.  Let me tell you why.

When I found out that the (semi-) adorable couple were engaged and after a conversation with a fellow writer about how many dudes were into Zooey, I wrote a song. "If I Were Zooey Deschanel" has had a very interesting and very unexpected life of its own, especially considering that: 1. I am not a professional musician; 2. I sang and recorded all the instruments using the built-in mic on my Macbook, like, once, and; 3. I am spectacularly lazy. I worked with a friend making a funny little video for it, and that was that; a good and enjoyable project and a day's entry here on the blog. It wasn't until my oldest son said, "Hey, you know you could get that up on iTunes and Amazon yourself, right?" that I found out that, YES, I COULD, and then I DID, for no other reason than I COULD.

It got far more hilarious, to me anyway, when it started SELLING a few copies. Really? Really?? Then a few college radio stations started playing it and a British internet station had it on regular rotation for months. The outcome is, that with a cost of ZERO DOLLARS AND NO CENTS, that silly little song made me a few bucks at .63 per copy bought, at least enough to keep me in coffee for awhile! People, clearly, will buy almost anything.

But here's the problem: in the chorus, one of the lines goes, "She's quirky and cool and not at all snooty/'Cause she's marrying that guy from Death Cab For Cutie." Now what do I do? They've made my song a RELIC OF THE PAST! How dare they not stay together! I NEED MORE COFFEE, DAMMIT!

Oh, well...well...

"If I Were Zooey Deschanel" - Marianne