I always wanted to have my own newspaper advice column when I was a kid. What could be better? People ask you stuff and you answer them and they say thank you very much even if you have no idea what you are talking about and you get paid real money. It would be ideal for me because I am chatty and opinionated and helpful and have moderate leanings toward omniscience. Anyway, I came across this article today on CNN's international site: "Love In Japan - 20 Ways Japanese Men Mystify Japanese Women," which identifies the top twenty questions raised by a survey of 1159 Japanese women about men. In a quick look-over, the questions are hardly country-specific. I'd be glad to help the women of the world out with their puzzlements surrounding the testosterone bunch, so I will attempt to answer them here and now.

Top 20 things Japanese men do that mystify Japanese women
1.     Why do they try their hardest to reel us in, but then lose interest once they land us?
Try to see it through the male lizard brain: you are prey. Lizard brain loves to hunt, chase, take down, and consume. That’s their fuel, to varying degrees, but THE fuel nonetheless. It’s not you they get bored with so much as needing to be in some kind of game they can WIN. Although you also might be boring.

2.     Why are they under the impression that women who can cook are dependable and level-headed?
It shows you can follow simple directions and not burn things down. These are qualities associated with dependability and level-headedness.

3.     Why do they think it’s all over when they marry?
Because you are always going to be making them do stuff they don’t wanna do, just like Mom did. Pick up socks, go to work, stop farting at the dinner table, don’t pick up transvestite hookers, that kinda stuff.

4.     Even when they have a partner why do they participate in go-kon dating parties just to enjoy the party?
So they can pretend they don’t have a partner.

5.     When they are with their friends why does their tough-talking increase?
Because it works. Tough-Talk Man often wins the game on bluff alone. They also like to pretend they are superheroes or Hell’s Angels.

6.     When they think they can meet us any time why does their priority for us over their friends drop?
See #1. You’re a known quantity. Their friends also might have some hot chicks with them to look at.

7.     Why do they want to show off their manliness by trying to eat huge platefuls of spicy food?
Because they think real men are so tough that they don’t show any discomfort while experiencing clearly uncomfortable things, because they are just that much more strong than some other guy. They are not quite so tough when they have explosive diarrhea and painful gas the next day, and whine to you non-stop about it.

8.     Because they don’t know the meaning of marriage, why do they insist on not marrying?
What? Guys who never get married either can’t get anyone to marry them, or believe that the next girl they meet is going to be even better.

9.     Why are they afraid to ask someone when they don't understand something?
Confusion = weakness, and weakness = some other dude getting your chick.

10.   Why do they ignore us by endlessly talking about themselves?
Some men think this is a sure-fire way to impress you. The exact opposite has the better result. Or, they just don’t give a crap about you.

11.   Why are they unconcerned when a girl they like has them twisted around her finger so much?
Because it’s drama. Men are the real drama queens of the world, I tell you. It’s also part of the game that they think they still have a chance to win someday.

12.   Why do they hardly ever reply to casual emails?
They have better shit to do, including online porn and wastebasket basketball.

13.   Since thinning hair appeals less to women, why do they get touchy about the subject?
Self-answered question.

14.   Why do they find vulnerability cute thus like us with no make-up?
They don’t really find it cute. They just like to see what’s really doing there. Also, they don't want you looking too good, because it can bring on that pesky unwanted external male attention.

15.   Why do they always hate other guys looking at us when we wear skimpy clothing?
Competition for the female is a never-ending game. They worry you might like the attention from some other guy a bit too much, and end up leaving. They think this even if they are concurrently looking for a new female to pursue themselves.

16.   When they go out with other male friends, why do they really not want to take us along?
Because you’d get pissed off at all the lady-ogling and farting and talk that had nothing to do with you or your interests or feelings.

17.   Why do they feel reluctant to do things they don’t like thus never tidy up?
They are human, you know.

18.   Why do they not say words of love simply because it’s embarrassing?
When you are in love, you are vulnerable. When you are vulnerable, you can get hurt. When you are hurt, some other vulture dude swoops in and takes your chick. A guy may be in love, but just can’t let that junk out to the public. Women are the public, by the way.

19.   Why do their eyes always end up on pretty girls?
The women of Japan cannot be this stupid.

20.   Why do they like slightly less attractive girls rather than sexy or pretty ones?
Because they think they can GET them, thereby WINNING. See #1.

Don't call me cynical, people. Unless you want to pay me for this, then call me whatever the hell you want!