As I am sure you fans of best-selling homey sagacity are aware, author Robert Fulghum’s book, “All I Ever Really Needed To Know I Learned In Kindergarten,” published in 1988 and oft-quoted still, offered simple observations on life and living well. Fulghum’s take on the Golden Rule began and ended at the basic instructions one receives when entering school in Kindergarten and are sensible and sweet. But I feel that there are more lessons to be learned when one moves on, therefore I’m updating a few of Fulghum’s observations because I have only fifteen minutes to write today.

“Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned in Kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school.

And in that sandbox? Feral cat poop, reminding you how you will feel after completing grad school, and you still make ten bucks an hour.

“These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work some every day.”

Most of the time when you share stuff, you will never get it back or it will come back all screwed up and never work right again. Fair? HAHAHA. Hit people if they are pummeling you in the face. Put your things back and LOCK THAT SHIT UP. Clean up your mess unless you can get someone else to do it. Don’t take things that aren’t yours unless a court of law tells you that you can. Say you are sorry but only if you mean it because it’s, like, SOOO obvious when you don’t care. Who cares if you wash your hands before you eat – just wash them before you touch ME. Flush, unless you made some kind of comical monster turd that you want to share with your pals. Warm cookies and cold milk will contribute to our nation’s obesity epidemic; try a carrot, fatty. Live a balanced life and you will reach total boredom in no time. Learn, think, draw, paint, sing, dance, play, work, unless you are watching people fall down on YouTube. You aren’t going to do anything better than that.

“Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.

Nap every morning and afternoon, but still collect your paycheck. Don’t hold hands with anyone crossing the street because you already know that no one washes their hands. If you walk around being aware of wonder all the time, you’ll get arrested for loitering or be the next Double-Rainbow Guy. The seed in the plastic cup has to be re-planted or it dies, know that. And science does have a pretty good idea why and how things grow. There are college courses about it.

“Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup - they all die. So do we.”

Thank god, right?

“And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation, ecology and politics and sane living.”

Yeah. LOOK ain’t covering Osama bin Laden, huh? Or your car keys.

“Think of what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other nations to always put things back where we found them and clean up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.”