The United States of America*, a rapidly-growing country of approximately 314,914,040, of which  169,000,000 are registered voters, is seeking highly-motivated, intelligent, team-oriented men and women to serve their nation in the high-profile, full-time, voter-renewable capacity of Congressperson. These positions are based in Washington, D.C., a vibrant, fast-paced city known for its many vital American institutions and landmarks and Power-Broker Happy Hours. The job provides the following benefits:

  • Annual salary of $174,200 (Majority and Minority Leaders receive $193,400; Speaker of the House receives $223,500) with an annual cost-of-living increase;
  • Pension and other Retirement benefits;
  • Health and Life Insurance benefits;
  • A Members' Representational Allowance (MRA) for personnel, office, and mail allowances, with an average allowance per member per year of $1,353,205;
  • Free federal building office space in Washington, D.C. and members' home states, ranging from 5000-8000 square feet, completely furnished, plus allowance for a Mobile Office Space;
  • Innumerable other perks, such a designated parking, dedicated underlings, and good restaurant seating.
In order to form a more perfect union, qualified candidates will:

  • Be able to read and write at a college level, be able to fully understand as well as draft complex legislative documents, and be able to speak at length about these documents;
  • Keep current with ongoing State, National, and World news;
  • Have a strong interest in protecting and providing for the overall well-being, safety, and human rights of all the citizens of their States, the Nation, and the World;
  • Will be able to transition successfully between roles as a flexible member of a team and a dynamic, persuasive leader;
  • Will be responsive to the issues and concerns of all of their constituents;
  • Will conduct themselves in a manner befitting a representative of of the people and the trust those people place therein, including the ability to completely avoid sex scandals, party-line sheep voting, media blocking, the necessity to attend a rehab facility, bloated progress-retarding filibusters, and hostile, ignorant, sexist, racist, homophobic, or vulgar expressions;
  • Will accept no illegal compensation of any kind, now or promised in the future, from powerful lobbyists, underhanded corporations, or deep-pocketed creepy campaign donors; must have unshakable and "un-buyable" personal integrity;
  • Will tell the truth to the American people, even though it may be received poorly, be unpopular, or may cost the Congressperson a second term in office;
  • Must be a person of determination, vision, strength and action in the face of endemic corruption and  extreme, constant political and personal pressure.
Interested candidates may visit your State's Republican, Democratic, or Independent headquarters to find out how to begin the process of rebuilding America's broken justice system. Apply today!

*The United States of America is an Equal Opportunity Employer. Ha ha, just kidding. Good luck, though!