I had a pretty decent doll collection when I was little, which I enjoyed until a ripe old kid-age. I think everyone imagines little girls playing with dolls in two ways: mothering a baby doll or pretending to be a fashionable adult via Barbies. I certainly did both these things, but added in all kinds of other imaginative play. The dolls with ratty clothes were poor. Big dolls would sometimes go all Godzilla over small dolls. The G.I. Joes would leave Barbie to go to Vietnam, returning with a leg and his head missing and Barbie already moved on to Ken, who was classified 4F, while "Ruby, Don't Take Your Love To Town" played on the AM radio.

I thought today I would bring a fond remembrance of some of those dolls who were not completely lovable, but served a great purpose in the world of play, the Misfit Toys of Marianneville.

This is really skeevy enough, but imagine the inevitable day when the talk box and string get messed up. HELLO! NIGHTMARE CITY!

Baby Secret

If you set off Baby Laugh A Lot with Baby Secret, there's your horror movie right there.

Baby Laugh A Lot

Chatty Cathy had dead eyes. Shudder.

Chatty Cathy

I can see where this could go wrong really, really quickly, whenever Patty's human friend decides Big Ol' Patty is going to stand in for vented feelings over a sibling or peer. The temptation to punch Patty in the face after you get sent to your room for arguing with your little sister about the last of the Frosted Flakes cereal would be huge.

Patty Play Pal

There is no doubt at all that I would have had this Stepford Wives doll march herself right out of a second-story window or into a swimming pool.

Bonny Bride

I would have had this doll family bickering bitterly about their tradable clothes, and then made the dad and son wear dresses and go grocery shopping. Ideal Teen, git outta here.

Tammy, the Ideal Teen

And finally, the doll with the uncontrollable bladder problems, Betsey Wetsey. Who amongst us had not filled her up with water and then squeezed her stomach hard so she'd pee like a racehorse, making your friends dissolve in giggles? RIGHT?

Betsey Wetsey