My dog sleeps nearby, blissful in her snoring, tic-y doggie dreams. She has no idea that she is just a soulless shell of meat covered in thick black fur, and shall not ascend to Heaven when The Rapture comes. I am also a soulless shell of meat, although very very thankfully not covered in thick black fur, and I too shall not ascend to Heaven when The Rapture comes because I am a comfortably committed atheist. My dog is an atheist because she is a dog; I am one because religion fails all my logic tests, and blind faith to me is a late ‘60s rock supergroup.

According to some Christian groups, the day will come when all those on Team Jesus will be scooped up from earth in a giant backhoe (or some other large hauling equipment) to chill for eternity with the Son of God and all other righteous souls. God’s Bouncer won’t let you or Fido up to this after-Earth-hours club unless you are saved, and Fido simply cannot be saved, because Fido doesn’t give a tree-pee. This is the essence of the concept of The Rapture. Everyone else gets to rot down on Earth – kind of like being stuck in a closed, windowless room with Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh having a Mexican-food fart contest while Jesus and Pals eat cake.

Eternal Earth-Bound Pets wants to help those people with their All-Access passes to the Forever Sweet Life in their struggle and guilt in having to leave their beloved pets behind when the Giant Divine Backhoe rumbles up to their homes. So, in their godless compassion and mercy, for a fee of $110 and The Rapture occurring within 10 years of your contract, EEBP guarantees that your dear Fido will be lovingly cared-for by an Earth-bound ATHEIST. No, I am not making this up…how could anyone make this up? Try wrestling this one down to any kind of reason at all, and you will end up exhausted and bruised, but over 100 Rapturists have already ponied up the dough. From their website:

“You've committed your life to Jesus. You know you're saved. But when the Rapture comes what's to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.

We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you've received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.

We are currently active in 22 states. Our representatives have been screened to ensure that they are atheists, animal lovers, are moral / ethical with no criminal background, have the ability and desire to rescue your pet and the means to retrieve them and ensure their care for your pet's natural life.”

Even Business Week has written about EEBP. You would think the whole EEBP would be a great piece from The Onion, but it’s legit. Are they scammers? Depends on your beliefs. They do toss over a couple hundred bucks per month from site ads to local food banks, so that’s…something.

I say, buyer beware, whether it’s buying peace of mind that Fido doesn’t go hungry while you are cake-ing it up in the clouds, or buying that you are going to be cake-ing it up in the clouds in the first place.

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
— Will Rogers