Rock and roll music is not known for being all that socially acceptable. Sometimes it is downright offensive, even to people other than the Tipper Gores of the world and people who do not find the lyrics “smell my anal vapors” humorous. There are plenty of bands that set out to be rebellious or dangerous or to push social constraints. They mean to do it; they are musical trolls. This can be interesting and provocative, or pathetic, or in a worse-case scenario, boring.

Sometimes with hindsight, one wonders how on earth some things in pop music EVER made it out to the public without a stoning or at least SOMEONE saying, “Ya know, this is really darn creepy.” At least that is how someone in Wisconsin would say it. What instantly comes to my mind is the run of hits from the ‘60s soft-rock band Gary Puckett and The Union Gap. These guys had MASSIVE hits in the latter part of that decade. However, DID NO ONE REALLY LISTEN TO THE LYRICS?? One would think not, as their biggest hits seem to be based upon convincing an UNDERAGE GIRL TO HAVE SEX. Again, this is not really the most unusual thing in rock music, but there is something about having a balladeer sing these lyrics over AM radio, on the Ed Sullivan Show, at Disneyland, and the WHITE HOUSE, to grandmas and little girls LIKE ME, that is especially icky.

Oh, I got the message, all right. I remember these songs REAL DAMN WELL, because I was all OOOOOOOOOH, an OLDER ROCK STAR GUY was LOSING HIS SHIT over a LITTLE GIRL! OOOOOOOOH! It was BAAAAD, and therefore OOOOOHHHH. It played into my little girl fantasies, which were of course nothing more than holding hands and making goo-goo eyes and maybe a tin-foil ring at some point. BUT. Who else was listening to these songs? GOD! So wrong, it’s laughable. READ:

“Young Girl”

Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run, girl
You're much too young, girl

With all the charms of a woman
You've kept the secret of your youth
You led me to believe
You're old enough
To give me Love
And now it hurts to know the truth

Beneath your perfume and make-up
You're just a baby in disguise
And though you know
That it's wrong to be
Alone with me
That come on look is in your eyes

So hurry home to your Mama
I'm sure she wonders where you are
Get out of here
Before I have the time
To change my mind
'Cause I'm afraid we'll go too far.

YA FREAK! Hey, blame it on her “come on look.” Oh, he might just be overcome, fooled by Cover Girl and Love’s Baby Soft. KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS, MISTER!

“Lady Willpower”

Lady Willpower, it's now or never.
Give your love to me and I'll shower
Your heart with tenderness endlessly.
I know you want to see me but you're afraid
Of what I might have on my mind.
One thing you can be sure of
I'll take good care of your love
If you will let me give you mine.
Lady Willpower, it's now or never.
Give your love to me and I'll shower
Your heart with tenderness endlessly.
Did no one ever tell you the facts of life?
Well there's so much you have to learn.
And I would gladly teach you if I could only reach you
And get your lovin' in return.

BOOO! BOOOO! Someone get the rotten fruit and vegetables! Run this bastard out of town with his pressure tactics! BOOOOO!

“This Girl Is A Woman Now”

This girl walked in dreams
Playing in a world of her own
This girl was a child
Existing in a playground of stone
Then one night her world was changed
Her life and dreams were rearranged
And she would never be the same again

This girl is a woman now
She's learned how to give
This girl is a woman now
She's found out what it's all about
And she's learning to live

This girl tasted love
As tender as the gentle dawn
She cried a single tear
A teardrop that was sweet and warm
Our hearts told us we were right
And on that sweet and velvet night
A child had died
A woman had been born.

OH SHIT! TOO LATE! “She’s found out what it’s all about!” Yes, it was ALL ABOUT YOUR WANG, YOU NASTY PIECE OF WORK! CALL JOE FRIDAY!

Ya know, the Wisconsin girl in me says now, that’s ain’t right. Inhaling a fart from some metal dude seems pretty innocuous in comparison.