DATING

Oh ...

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DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR

Well.Bob Dylan is releasing an album of Christmas music, as I mentioned here recently. I have now heard some of it, and now so will you.I understand that Bob has made this record to benefit a very worthy charity, Feeding America, and applaud his generosity wholeheartedly and I hope it sells very well.I also hope it sells well because I am perverse and enjoy thinking about people listening to these very traditional backing tracks that could have been...

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HA 16

Couch Teen nicely agreed to make his sick mother, Me, a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup last night. It was tasty and comforting.However, I perhaps have not made this rule clear to him: WHEN YOU ARE COOKING WITH AN OPEN GAS FLAME, MAKE SURE THINGS THAT BURN ARE NOT TOO CLOSE BY:Goodbye, Free Red Pen. We hardly knew ...

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SOTO: FOOD

Oddly enough, I am going to write about food today, even though with this cold I have I am not hungry at all. It probably is for the best because writing about yummy things usually makes me want to eat yummy things and I am of course always watching my girlish figure. Not really. It’s not all that girlish, and I’m not watching it because I avoid mirrors unless they are skinny mirrors, in which case you have to pull me away from them, embarrassed for me AND by me. But back to the subject at hand, and what I want to say about it, which is THIS:FRESH...

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HA 15

As I sat in my car this afternoon, unable to drive further because the driving rain with hail prevented me to safely do so, completely and utterly soaked to the skin from the 50-ft. run from the parking lot to the school and back to the car again, with a fever and a dripping runny nose, this comes on the car radio:MissSeven: AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH! DO YOU HEAR THAT??? AHAHAHAHAHA! IT'S LIKE THE CAR CAN SEE YOU!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! LOOK AT YOU, MOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAH! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!This...

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THE SHOW MUST GO ON

My body has a sick sense of humor. I mean this as a rather literal interpretation in that it seems it knows just how to quickly level a dose of illness to me immediately before or after some major event for me. I don’t know how many times I have come down with a cold, flu, strep or whatever the day before I am set to go on vacation or the day I get back. It’s like my body says, “OHHHH, so you were thinking about having some FUN, EH? Here is the common cold! Enjoy THE HELL out of it!” So today I sit semi-morose with a razory throat, stuffy nose,...

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SEVEN

(Sunday, 6:21AM)MissSeven: (opening door to my bedroom) Mom, my leg hurts right here by the top of it.Me: Mmphhff...hmmfhhf[h. Oh. Happy birthday!MissSeven: Thank you! (kisses my hand) Thank you for borning me!Me: (smiles) Sure.MissSeven: Goodnight! (leaves room and shuts door)Me: 'Nite, sweet...

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GOAT 5

I sat here and laughed until I cried over this. HAHAHAHAHAHAH! The hell. HAHAHHAHAH...

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HAPPY HOUR

Tonight, I went to my very first Happy Hour. Yes, it is true! I am not much of a drinker at all, so in all these years I have seen no particular need to participate in a Happy Hour, because I am usually fairly Happy anyway, do not need to consume less-expensive alcohol, and am only moderately social. But my friend called me and asked me to go, and I like to consider all invitations as an opportunity to see things in a different way. So I went, dressed...

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NUKULAR

This is funny anyway, but funnier in Germ...

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PROGRAMMING NOTE

TO: Little Steven Van ZandtRE: "Underground Garage" (SIRIUS XM RADIO)Dear Little,As a long-time listener and fan of your station, I would like share an observation.Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band (put your finger up high so we can see you, sir, thank yewwww)Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukesand FOR GOD'S SAKE, ENUFF Z'NUFFhave nothing to do with "underground" nor "garage."Your pal in grit,Maria...

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CONFESS 3

Oh, brother. Another serial confessor has hit the media yet again, and it's a real extra-special winner this time: class act and toothsome drug addict Mackenzie Phillips.Known primarily for her role as the not-attractive daughter on the '70s sitcom "One Day At a Time," she is also the daughter of pop-folk music legend and drug addict John Phillips.Ms. Phillips arranged herself on an Oprah couch this week to pimp her new autobiography, which I will...

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GOSIRGO

As I am in my car, at the stop sign turning right to go up my long and gently-sloping road, a grey-haired man who must be no less that 65 years old, passes in front of me wearing a helmet, knee and elbow pads, riding a longboard down the hill, smili...

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GOOD WILL BUNTING

Imaginary conversation between my daughter and me, a few hours after she is born:Me: Hey! How’s it going over there in the isolette?MissZero: I am wrapped like a burrito and have silver nitrate jammed in my eyes and have this hard plastic thing clamping the place where my umbilical cord was CUT OFF. How do you think I’m doing, dummy?Me: Oh, I hear ya. I just had a giant screaming burrito come out of my lady place. Tough day, huh?MissZero: Well, it...

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LUNCH

I met a girlfriend today for lunch at a restaurant on the Eastside, one of surprisingly few right on Lake Washington. It was hot and sunny, and the lake sparkled, all calm and placid, save for some small ripples caused by some YACHT coming into the dock. I dressed up for the occasion, mainly because I don’t have many opportunities to do so and this place takes everyone from shorts to suits. To go along with that, I used the valet instead of the complicated...

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THE LAST BITTERSWEET TIME

Good pop songwriters are often good thieves, taking inspiration from work that has come before them. But there's always the PESKY LAWSUIT problem. Let us look at the trajectory of one of my all-time favorite songs, and what happened to our friends, The Good Thieves.1. The Staple Singers: This May Be The Last Time (1955)Based on a "traditional" song, which means you don't have to pay anyone for using it. The Staple Singers are wonderful though, and it's hard to sue anyone when they are singing about god and stuff. Not to mention that "Traditional"...

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OH SNAP

I keep hearing a loud and persistent SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! sound from the family room that makes me think there is some kind of electrical disaster in the making.Me: Hey! What is that SOUND?MissSix: Poppin' bubble wrap, watchin' TV.Me: ...

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XXX

Once a year, it seems, I make it out to the further Seattle-ish suburb of Issaquah to the Triple XXX Drive-In. Oddly enough, it is not a porno drive-in theater; it is not really even a drive-in restaurant, as there is no car service, like at my beloved Kiltie in Oconomowoc. But I don't care at all that it has a misleading name -- it is a fun retro diner and there's always some cool cars around to ogle too. The Triple XXX is one of those places that...

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GARY PUCKETT, KING OF THE PEDOBALLAD

Rock and roll music is not known for being all that socially acceptable. Sometimes it is downright offensive, even to people other than the Tipper Gores of the world and people who do not find the lyrics “smell my anal vapors” humorous. There are plenty of bands that set out to be rebellious or dangerous or to push social constraints. They mean to do it; they are musical trolls. This can be interesting and provocative, or pathetic, or in a worse-case...

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HOLLYWOOD 10

I saw The Hollywoods again at the OOGCP! I am always so concerned that because they are advanced in years that one day they just won't come back. Mrs. Hollywood had on her favorite Pucci jumpsuit AGAIN. She really loves that thing. Mr. Hollywood was looking all natty as usual, with pressed khaki pleated pants, loafers, a button-down shirt, and a red sweater tied at his shoulders. They were admiring a doggie tied outside the coffeehouse. I bet you a million dollars they have a little tiny dog. I bet you a billion dollars.It has been some time since...

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HITTING HARDER

British session drummer Bobby Graham has died at age 69.Perhaps you are familiar with his work:I would keep going but this post would be simply too long with FIFTEEN THOUSAND YouTubes. He played on THAT MANY RECORDS. Oh, and let's not forget he played drums on almost every single Dave Clark Five hit you can think of, except Dave Clark is a egotistical creep who refuses to admit it. Who cares at this point, Dave, huh? Bobby Graham's hard-hitting drumming...

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OH HECK

Courtesy our dear Wikipedia:HECKLER: A heckler is a person who shouts a disparaging comment at a performance or event, or interrupting set-piece speeches, for example at a political meeting, with intent to disturb its performers or participants.Hecklers are in the news these days. Kanye West, Turd, grabbed the microphone from Taylor Swift, Infant, and gave the televised world his unwanted opinion that Beyonce made one of the greatest videos of all recorded time and space. Congressturd Joe Wilson forgot for a moment that he was an elected representative...

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DITTO

People Like Copies. Copies of things can be incredibly useful. People like to have more than one of the same thing, as in general we are gatherers and collectors and also severely lazy. By god, we even are compelled to copy ourselves. MissSix is pretty much a copy of me, except that for now she has escaped myopia and nerdism, which is an example of the Enhanced Copy: the same, but somehow better. It’s kind of like with modern copy machines – sometimes...

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YOINK

Jessica Simpson's dog was snatched by a coyote."Simpson, 29, has offered a reward to anyone who can reunite her with her 5-year-old, caramel-colored dog."I suggest that Daisy's color will remain in the caramel tones even after the coyote has digested her and reduced her essence to scat. May I still collect a reward if I put a rhinestone collar and leash on that? Would Jessica carry around the box of coyote waste to premiers and stuff, all cuddling...

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HAM 2

MissSix: You know that preschool friend of mine that moved to Ham?Me: Ham?MissSix: Yes, Ham.Me: HAM??MissSix: Turkey.Me: HAHAHAHAHA...

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IFIWERETAYLORSWIFT

Do you know what I would have done after this?I would have drank a gallon of water. I would have asked my personal assistant to obtain a photograph of Kanye West. When I returned to the stage, I then would have hiked up my sparkly gown in a racy yet modest way, and then peed out the entire gallon of water all over Mr. West's picture, or at least until security stepped in.I would totally have done it, I would have totally enjoyed it, and that's totally the tru...

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GODOGGO

I enjoyed a psychology-lite article on canine intelligence today on TIME.com, and I bet you might enjoy it as well, because you probably have a dog, like I do. People Like Dogs, and honestly I am a bit suspicious of people who don’t. It seems Un-American to not like at least some kind of dog. I mean, I’ve been bit by a dog and have had a few dogs scare the urine out of my bladder. I have had dogs drool great strings of glue-like spit on me, and I have had dogs fart noxious clouds of Alpo gas right in my face. I still like ‘em. Dogs like to be liked,...

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THE HOTEL

The rain fell, even and light, as they waited underneath the hotel’s broad awning. Every so often the wind would take a sharp shift and Charlie and Tess would get a sprayed slap of the rain, but they didn’t flinch or turn away. You didn’t even think about the rain anymore after living in England. They waited for the car to be brought around, watching the people pass by them, working people, tourists, children in school uniforms, some with umbrellas, some just walking steadily, heads down, avoiding puddles. Tess glanced over at Charlie as he scowled,...

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