Cabin fever got the better of me today, and at 5PM I decided on a whim to leave the house and go out for a few hours of recreational discount shopping. I find this very relaxing; when I have no time constraints, the store isn't busy, and there's nothing in particular I am looking for, moseying through the racks at places like Ross or TJ Maxx or Marshall's calms me like a fruity drink at the beach.

It was really quiet today at the stores I went to, which was great. I think a lot of families are attempting to acquire some Vitamin D somewhere for spring break, which would account for the lack of screaming kids running around and snotty ineffectual teens at the registers. I mosey, and poke at clothes, and feel if sheet sets are soft enough to purchase, and remind myself that knick-knacks are the devil's work. I also listen to other shoppers talk, if they are already speaking loudly enough for me to hear. Why? So I can write them down quickly when I get into my car and then type them up for you.


Tired middle-aged mom: (speaking to middle-school aged pudgy blond daughter, who is holding up a red minidress) There's no way in HELL you are buying that. It makes you look like a slut!

Girl: Mom! It does NOT! God! You don't like ANYTHING I pick out! It's not fair!

Mom: We are not talking about fair. We are talking about a dress that makes you look like a hooker!

Girl: Mom!!! Allison has one just like this, and you told her you LIKED IT!

Mom: I was being polite. You could see everything

Girl: MOM!!! God!! Can I just go shopping with Dad next time?

Mom: Oh, HELL, no.


Young Dad: (speaking to his toddler son, holding up a colorful striped toy ball) Chase! What is this? What is this?

Chase: Poop!


(Two regular suburban girls in their early 20s are looking at some off-price designer shirts. I catch the conversation in progress.)

Girl 1: I know! She always dresses so well! She looks great. I wish I could dress like that.

Girl 2: I know, me too! Well, she has a husband, right?

Girl 1: No...I think she has a boyfriend who used to be gay or something but now is working at Nordstrom Rack.

Girl 2: (nodding knowingly) Ahhh...nice.