Oh, the Merry Month Of May in our great country of petty criminals, imbibers, lunatics, and rogue pets. Enjoy this month’s Police Blotter Round Up!


Questionable actions: A massage customer contacted Kirkland Police and notified them that while receiving a foot and neck massage she thought she felt the masseuse's erection on her back and shoulders. The customer told police that he/she felt uncomfortable and left the premises. The masseuse was contacted by police and denied having an erection or any sexual contact with the customer but did have a large wallet in his front pocket.

: Apparently unaware of any nearby jungle zones that needed clearing, a citizen wondered why the teenager was carrying a machete in the 5900 block of California Ave. SW. Concerns mounted after the teen was seen hiding the weapon in some bushes before he climbed onto a Metro bus. Officers found and confiscated the weapon, sending it to the evidence department for safekeeping.

Exposure: Someone was reportedly enjoying the Swan River Nature Trail while wearing no pants. Authorities could not locate the subject, who was clad only in a blue sweatshirt.

: A driver on Foys Lake Road called to report that another driver was following him and extending his middle finger. The caller was at the helm of a slow-moving tractor.

Questionable Actions
: Someone in Columbia Falls reports that three individuals have been prowling about next door. The caller also claims that the subjects “act like big shots.

: Several people yelled at one another on Montana Avenue in Whitefish, but no one involved would cooperate with authorities. No action was taken.

Questionable Actions: Someone on Caroline Point Road received a call from an unknown subject claiming that the reporting party had won $650 million and a car, and only needed to send $350 to claim their prize.

Complaint: A Garfield Elementary School student contacted police around 10:52 a.m. May 7, and said that he had been having a “rough” day so far with his teachers.


Warrant arrest: A 42-year-old Des Moines man was parked at Eastside Urology and told officers he was looking for lunch with his 19-year-old son. The son was arrested on a theft warrant out of Seattle. The father was found to have metal knuckles hidden in the visor.

Illegal substance: A 25-year-old Kirkland man was stopped for speeding and subsequently arrested for the 52.38 grams of marijuana in his lunch box.


DUI: The officer had a hunch he was following an impaired driver: Not only was the car swerving across the yellow line, but the gears kept grinding as the driver kept trying to put the car into reverse while driving at 40mph. After being pulled over, he claimed he wasn't familiar with the car (which belonged to his “very very intoxicated passenger”). Asked to step from the car for sobriety tests, the driver had trouble opening the car door. Finally managing to exit the vehicle, he staggered over to the officer and confided, “I hate walking in a new car.” He'll be walking into court soon to face DUI charges.

DUI: A 27-year-old was arrested for DUI after slamming into a parked car near 39th and Graham early Thursday. He readily admitted he had imbibed too much and nearly fell to the ground when he got out of the car. Back at the precinct, when signing paperwork for his breathalyzer test, he dropped the pen twice and almost fell over. His adventures continued on the courtesy ride home: The officer advised, “get into the patrol car butt first—and watch your head!” But the suspect “snagged his big, dangly, bulky earring on top of the back door” and hurriedly sat down--too impaired to notice that he had ripped a hole in his ear. The officer pointed out the injury and offered medics, but the suspect declined.

Failure To Pay
: A patron drank six servings of spiced rum at a Junction establishment on Saturday afternoon, mumbled that he didn't have any money with him but that he had a million dollars in the bank. Officers took him—along with the 57 cents in his pocket—to King County Jail.

Disorderly: An intoxicated man reports that kids were saying things to him and his girlfriend in Whitefish.

Missing Person: An intoxicated woman in Columbia Falls called to report that her husband had been missing for a half hour. Come to find out, the man had gone to work and was completely fine.

Domestic: An intoxicated Bigfork parolee reportedly threw a pillow at his wife. The man then called and claimed that his wife was on drugs.

Questionable Actions
: In Whitefish, a tipsy male subject threw up in a planter and then attempted to enter someone’s apartment.

Public Intoxication: Employees at Integrity Verification, on N. Court St., informed police that a man, who smelled of alcohol, had entered the business on May 6. Police spoke with the man, and he secured a ride home from the location.

Public Intoxication, Obscenity
: Patrol officers saw a man stumbling along; as he crossed East at Ogden, the report said, the man “extended both arms in the air and put up both middle fingers” at the officers, while yelling “F@&# YOU!” Police made a street stop of the man, who reportedly smelled of alcohol, called the officers “pigs” and stated he wanted to be “rebellious”. Juan C. Islas, 29, of Cicero, was charged with public intoxication and making obscene gestures.

Drunk and Disorderly; Property Damage: 12:41 AM. A 30-year-old man in the 2800 block of Cuyler called police to report his 50-year-old father had returned home intoxicated, argued with him, then threatened to “burn” the son’s vehicle, which was parked in the garage. Dad was unable to enter the locked garage; when police arrived, Dad agreed he was drunk but denied making the threat and agreed to leave for the night. 3:56 AM Or not. Dad returned and threw a brick at Mom’s car, scratching it. This time, the son signed a complaint.


Gun Threat: A 53-year-old Brunswick man threatened to shoot several individuals inside a W. Smith Rd. bar on May 16. Police arrived and arrested the man, charging him with inducing panic.


Animal Control: The Animal Control Officer is following up on a complaint that a mail delivery man had been bitten in the calf by a three legged black dog in the area of the 2200 block of H Avenue. The bite reportedly did not break the skin. A short time later, the same mail carrier was bit in the pant leg a second time by an unknown dog in the 1400 block of 19th Street. It was unknown where either dog lived.

Burglary: Police are investigating a burglary to the John and Cynthia Kopecky residence, 146 Maryknoll St., in which a DVD player and deer antler chandelier was stolen.

Theft: A 30” tall concrete lion statue, weighing 100 pounds, was reported stolen overnight from the yard of a house in the 6900 block of Riverside Drive.

Animal Neglect
: Horses and cows on Middle Road in Columbia Falls were reportedly being neglected. Although a horse was in fact nibbling on a fencepost, the animals were cared for properly.

Suspicious Person: Someone on Whitefish called to report that a dark-colored car drove twice around the block and made her dog bark.

Questionable Actions
: The reporting party said that oil had been dumped in Shady Lane Pond. He said “the fish are acting funny” because they wouldn’t bite his nightcrawler. After inspecting the pond and finding no sign of oil, deputies scrapped their top kill plan.

: Apparently, a 5-foot set of moose antlers was stolen from a residence on Lower Valley Road.

Threats Of Harm: A Dogwood Trail resident told police that a 22-year-old son persistently threatens to harm the family dog. No criminal charges were filed in the case.


Vandalism: Graffiti was found April 30 on a City of Oconomowoc utilities transformer at the southeast corner of Lisbon and Greenland roads. The graffiti, in black spray paint, read "even if you win the race, you're still a rat."

And my May fave…


Domestic Abuse: A Milwaukee man is facing possible charges after he quarreled with his girlfriend and allegedly hit the woman's mother with a football May 1.

According to the report, the 29-year-old man was at his girlfriend's residence on Millington Drive to confront the 26-year-old woman, who supposedly had just caught him cheating on her. The woman eventually came out of the house and confronted the man and after an alleged tussle the woman fell to the ground. The woman's 50-year-old mother came out of the house and was hit in the face by a football allegedly thrown by the man, the report said.

Police are recommending the Waukesha County District Attorney's Office charge the man with disorderly conduct/domestic abuse.