What is sex appeal? If I had the definitive, universal answer you may trust that I would attempt to form some kind of exploitative artist management agency or at least produce an infomercial hawking a book called "HEY! SEXY! I'M TALKING TO YOU! YES, YOU!: HOW TO BE ADMIRED BY A DISTURBING RANGE OF PEOPLE IN SIX EASY LESSONS!" People Like To Feel Attractive, usually, and most spend at least some part of their lives grooming and dressing and making kissy faces in their mirrors to try to make at least one poor sucker think they are hot. But what is sexy is far more than looks; it is personality and attitude and some kind of indefinable "it" factor that is probably a combination of pheromones, confidence, humor, and giving the impression that one might actually have sex rather than watch TV all night, eat buckets of Chunky Monkey ice cream and read People magazine.

Which brings me to People's annual "Sexiest Man Alive" pick for 2009. And no, I barely watch television and do not often indulge in ice cream. Jerks. Anyway, for the second time in this decade actor Johnny Depp is on the cover.

I am sorry, People, I am not once again feeling your choice here. Scrubby, goat-like facial hair, greased back Prince Valiant locks, and intentional nerd glasses don't do it for me. I mean, even when the guy was on "21 Jump Street" (no, I didn't watch that either, JERKS), he was cute, sure, but sexy? Nah, not to me. I dunno. He kinda seems to try too hard to be cool, what with the cigars and slobbering over Keith Richards and the skinny French girlfriend. Trying too hard negates sexy. You know what I mean. When I see some woman uncomfortably tottering around on nasty tall spiky sex shoes, I don't think "ooh, hot," I think, "she is going to fall down at some point." Falling off your sex shoes is not sexy, and trying too hard to be European when you are in fact from Kentucky is not sexy.

People Magazine's Other Sexy Mans For 2009 is as follows:

Ryan Reynolds: Never heard of him; looks entirely beige.

Jake Gyllenhaal: Cute face, hot bod; seems terribly nice but not sexy.

Bradley Cooper: DING DING DING DING! YASSSSS. Cute face, hot bod, and OWNS IT without (yet) seeming like a self-absorbed prat. That scene in "The Hangover" where he walks out in the all-black suit? Memorable. Heh.

Robert Downey, Jr.: I can see it. Not so much in this photo, though.

David Beckham: Someone who never smiles and has a wife who never seems to smile negates the sexy.

Gilles Marini: Don't know who he is, but fish lips surrounded by black stubble is not such a great look, IMHO. Nice bod, though.

Nick Cannon: Hawt, knows it a bit too much.

Adam Lambert: Oh, Christ.

John Cho: He seems...tiny.

Chris Daughtry: A regular dude making regular music is not all that appealing to me.

Jerry O'Connell: Definite possibilities there. His body looks quite nice after having twin daughters a year ago, don't you think?

John Legend: Handsome, but sort of cold. Would make a smokin' accountant.

Robert Pattinson: A child with a fur-face. No.

If I were an editor at People, I would annoy my fellow editors so much over the Sexiest Man Alive issue that I believe I would either get fired or get into an epic catfight, which would be incredibly sexy. But in the end, it is marvelous that we all think differently about what is sexy or most everyone by default would be doing the ice cream/TV/pop culture rag thing, not having sex, but maybe reading more blogs.