I have written this blog several times on an airplane, but this will be the very first time I have posted it from an airplane. It makes no difference to you the reader, of course, but it does make me feel all technological and important and such. Adding to my grandiosity is my $99 upgrade to Business Class, and the over-attention from the tight-smiled flight attendant. As a matter of fact, since no one is sitting next to me, it's like I have TWO business class seats! I feel like I should take better advantage of this very-rare situation and attempt to lie down or spread magazines all over the second seat or demand double beverages and cookies or set up a small but highly-successful business here in the two seats for the duration of the flight. Hey, I figure -- this has been a tough couple of weeks, this is a 4-hour flight, and the 99 bucks seems to be buying me a lot of cheap thrills and comfortable leg room right now. VISA bill be damned. The food in the rehab hospital was really inexpensive; there's another justification.

As seems to always be the case, I woke up about an hour too early this morning at the riveting hour of 4:30AM CDT. Useless to try to go back to sleep, I lie there in the dark listening to the sounds of a few birds, a few cars going by, and a few boat motors on the lake outside my bedroom window. I sort of doze or at least relax for the hour until it is time to rise and see what damage I have to correct with my pots and vials of makeup. Ah. The PUFFY EYES morning. Lovely. At least my hair isn't a total grease pile. Some pink blush seems to give me the outward illusion of vibrancy, so that is something of a win, and I finish packing the last of my things.

I'd like to break in and give you a real-time report here that my laptop battery is now at 71% and that the news is reporting that everyone seems to be upset with President Obama and the stupid officers quip. Oops, 70%. Stupid battery.

A quick cup of coffee is downed, the shuttle arrives on time, and I am out the door with my two stupid heavy bags to check and my one ridiculously-overstuffed laptop bag. I do recommend Timbuk2 bags ( as they are very sturdy and fairly stylish and have not yet complained or ripped in spite of my severe abuse of said bag. This is mine:

Here is my bag RIGHT NOW on the second business class seat:

I am going to order it a coffee all its own just to fuck with the flight attendant.

Battery update: 64%.

The ride to the airport with two other silent shuttle passengers is pretty swift as is check-in. When I get to the security check, the TSA agent, a gray-haired buzzcutted guy in his 50s looks at my ID and boarding pass, then at my face, then winks at me and says, "You are good to go but you don't have to get on the plane if you want to wait for my shift to end." Ha ha, sir, try and stop me. Well, he could I suppose if he wanted to complain about my six silver bracelets on my right arm or that I don't look much like my driver's license anymore. That picture looks like Helga the Fat Blonde Swiss Miss. Like I should be somewhere toting milk buckets and wearing a dirndl. I cringe and laugh at it regularly. It's good to have a sense of humor, I hear.

Battery: 56%. Thing sucks.

I appreciate that the area right beyond the C-Concourse security has a large sign that says "Recombobulation Area."


I find an Alterra coffee kiosk and get a latte and a breakfast sandwich, both yummy. I browse through a People magazine quickly, as I am having trouble caring about anyone in it and they are light on Bradley Cooper pix.

A check at the gate counter gets me my upgrade seat and then I am on the plane. More reading of magazines. I find a dense two-page article on the history and application of red lipstick to be ponderous and am glad I was never assigned such a silly writing task. I also wonder how Gwen Stefani can walk in 5" heels and confidently carry an infant. That is bold, skilled, or stupid.

Speaking of stupid: 51%. I guess I should get a new battery or a new computer. GUESS WHICH ONE IS THE MORE FUN CHOICE? Heh.

This flight attendant has asked me TOO MANY TIMES if I need or want anything. DUDE, I WILL LET YOU KNOW. RELAX. My $99 should also buy me not having to say NO THANK YOU I AM FINE every 10 minutes. Maybe he could go pee for me. I hate airplane toilets, and I have to go.

So I will.