I have never taken a redeye flight before.

I hope to never take one again.

I don’t know what kind of combination of drugs or deafness makes one able to sleep on a plane, but it was not happening for me last night as we took off from Seattle for Milwaukee at midnight. The flight was full of cheap-asses like me, nonstop-flight-liking-asses like me, many many many infants, two Russian dudes in jackets from 1983, and quite a few military personnel, going home for the July 4th holiday.

I bought one of those cheap Samsonite blowup neck pillows at the newsstand at the airport, felt a little silly blowing it up on the plane, put it behind my neck and frowned. It was too stiff and had a sharp plastic edge digging into my skin and made me feel like a dumbass. The plane was like an icebox as well, and I didn’t even have a cootie-covered airplane blanket to take off some of the chill. The babies all started wailing and complaining. The dude a few seats in front of me kept clicking his reading light on and off, the light bouncing off his white-hoodie-covered head and burning through my eyelids like, well, like an ANNOYING LIGHT. The flight attendant seemingly opened a can of Coke IN MY EAR – pshhhhhhhh! – and the sugary smell went up my nose and stayed there. I spent a few minutes looking at a magazine with photos of cellulite-ridden celebrities in bikinis, and spent at least a cumulative hour looking at my watch.

Cough cough cough. Cry cry cry. Pshhhhhhh pshhhhhh pshhhhhh. Snore snore snore. Fart fart fart. THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING; WE ARE NOW WAKING YOU UP TO TELL YOU WE ARE 50 MILES AWAY FROM MILWAUKEE. I wish you were waking me up, sir, but thank you for getting us there all not dead and stuff.

I looked over at one of the soldiers sitting near me, his fatigues immaculate, boots polished, fresh military haircut. Have a good holiday, man, you deserve it.

The wind pushes us across the country in record time, and at 5:05AM CDT, we land in Milwaukee with the sun coming up. A 24-hour day for me, but it’s just sleep and I will make it up sometime. Actually, that time is now, before everyone arrives to eat hot dogs and chat and point at the big herons on the lake and tell me that DAMN YOU LOOK TIRED.

Redeye jooooooleye sleeptime bye bye.