Another Optional Beauty Maintenance Saturday. I guess it is all optional, huh? Maybe I should just go all-natural and start wearing hemp shoes and stop using deodorant and go all Euro with the armpits.


First stop was to see Sarah at the waxin’ shop. I like Sarah, because she is very nice and we yabber almost the entire time about our mutual love of music. I went OMGOMGOMGdidyouknowtheflamingLIPSarecomingtoMARYMOOR? and she went OMGOMGOMGOMGreally? and I went YAticketswentonsaletoday! We also discovered we will both be attending the same Death Cab For Cutie show there, and agreed that the addition of The New Pornographers to the bill was nothing but good. And before you know it I am done and I wave goodbye. See you, Sarah!

Lunch was at a small burger place close to the marina where the girl sitting in front of me had Even More Optional Beauty Procedures: an orange spray tan and poof lips. She also had some Chinese characters tattooed on her butt crack that I was in line to view. This is what I want to know: does she want me to ask “Hey, Slug Pout, what do those letters mean coming out from your butt? Do they have anything to do with butts or poop or anything like that, or does it say ‘insert spray tan nozzle here’ or something? Do you only want Chinese people or Chinese-language-schooled people to understand what your crack message is all about?” I didn’t do that though. I think about doing things, but then I don’t, and this saves me from jail and stuff.

After that I decided to pop into the nail salon for the maniped combo deal. I pick out my color, a hot hot pink with OPALESCENT SHIMMER, and look at the name on the bottom of the bottle: “Strawberry Fields.” Heh. As usual there, I am quiet and just listen to everyone else talk while they are getting their cuticles shoved down or their foot mange sloughed off. Someone wants to go out to dinner with Aunt Mary in Mill Creek and a 30 minute text storm ensues, with a play-by-play account of the action. Aunt Mary wants to go to PF Chang’s…no, too expensive…is the Maltby CafĂ© open for dinner?…no one knows…Aunt Mary needs a ride…Genevieve’s car is at the tire shop…why is it at the tire shop?…she’s getting an oil change…oh…and she can’t get it back now because they’ve closed up for the day…oh…well how about the Trellis restaurant in the hotel?…yes, they have a salad that is only two hours picked out of the ground!…hahahah this tickles my feet hahahah!…OK, see you soon. For all that I hope Aunt Mary enjoys her fancy newborn salad.

Waxed and nailed, it’s off to the OOGCP for a quick latte then back to the house again. $100 spent, and hair grows and nail polish chips after a week and sometimes it all seems silly. But I get home and MissSix gives me a hug and says, “Ooh! You smell so good!” and spends a few minutes admiring the incredible pinkness of my nails and then we watch those kid rock YouTube videos together, and she goes off to play piano. Her own nail polish on her teeny little nails is almost completely gone, save for a little flash of blue-green that catches the light from the window as she plays and I wonder what kind of Beauty Maintenance girl she will be someday. I am hoping the Chinese Ass Valley Tattoo is not on her menu. At least make it in English so I can read it, honey.