If you have landed here because you are suffering from diarrhea, first let me say that I am truly sorry for the painful watery clenching and spewing contractions of your bowels and anus. I also would like to commend you for being able to leave your commode for a moment to search internet blogs in hope of finding some relief to your embarrassing malady. The Internet knows everything; you know it and I know it and you know it and I know it. And, if in the course of researching your cure you must run back to your toilet, you don't even have to excuse yourself. The Internet is also forgiving and will wait patiently for your return. Isn't it the best?

But, really, I am being thoughtless. Here you are, in a dire circumstance, and you need help quickly. After all, you clicked on this site -- formerly called "Diarrhea Island" -- and you have every right to think that this should be the place from whence all diarrhea knowledge comes. Now, I am but a smug and opinionated writer and not a gastroenterologist or even a chiropractor, and I don't play one on TV or The Internet. But I have had plenty of diarrhea in my lifetime, so I am going to give you my best advice about what to do with your loose crap, as long as you are here anyway. There are two things to consider: 1. Where To Put It All And How, and; 2. How To Stop This Smelly Rancid Horror From Leaking Out Your Butt Already.

Let's say you had some warning that you were imminently going to have some intestinal distress -- that burbling in the gut, perhaps nausea, some sharp or aching pain. My first recommendation is GO TO THE BATHROOM. Don't wait until you have to run, unless you want to treat your co-workers to this very amusing sight. If you wait too long, you run the risk of crapping your pants which again is incredibly funny for others, but very very messy and distressing for you. I guess you have to weigh in your desire for comedic charity vs. dignity when making this decision. And if you are at home, running to the bathroom but failing to get there in time, do NOT count on the dog to clean it up. I know dogs often like to eat poop, but they enjoy their own, not yours. Don't even call him over. Sicko.

So, when you get to the bathroom the next most important thing to do is to locate several rolls of toilet paper. Don't think what's left on the roller thing is going to do it. You could be there for hours, or days, because like snot with a cold, this stuff sometimes seems to have no end and can keep coming and coming and coming. Be courteous and make sure you have plenty of paper so you don't have to whine for someone else to bring you more. Do consider training your dog to bring it, though. He actually likes the smell, too. There are probably Diarrhea Service Dogs somewhere, with little backpacks they wear that hold toilet paper and a plunger and Purell hand wash, and air freshener.

To hell with drought restrictions and a worldwide fresh water crisis -- KEEP COURTESY FLUSHING THE TOILET. This foul liquid steaming its way through your system is so olfactorily offensive that it can even upset you, and it came from you. Think of what it does to others. Plus, flushing reduces the chances that you will get the incredibly-disgusting Diarrhea Backsplash all over your butt. Remember to not force the toilet handle down. If you break the flushing mechanism, you are shit out of luck, pal.

Alright, already, I can hear you say with some urgency -- HOW CAN I GET THIS TO STOP?? HELP MEEEEEEEEEE!! You aren't going to like what I have to say. No, not at all.

You really should not stop it. Your body is telling you in a rather clear and forceful way that it has BAD JUNK in it which needs to GET OUT NOW. You can of course slow it or stop it for awhile with Immodium or Kaopectate or a wine bottle cork, but as long as the BAD is IN, it will be compelled to come back and GET OUT. I am sorry. You can possibly shorten your crapisode by following the BRAT diet (bananas, plain rice, applesauce, or dry toast, NOT bratwurst, silly) and drinking lots of clear fluids (water, Gatorade, NOT vodka). You will probably be awl betta in 1 to 3 days no matter what you do or don't do. If you are an incredibly-bright infant or very crusty elder reading this, go to your pediatrician/gerontologist instead of reading blogs. If you have a high fever, poop that looks like a Texas black oil well gusher, severe lasting pain, or the thrill of concurrent vomiting lasting more than half a day, get your infant or elder to take you along to the doctor.

My last piece of advice is that if you have found yourself here looking for diarrhea-themed pornography, you should either move to Germany or get into long-term analysis.

ANALysis. Heh.

Good luck with your fluid feces, weirdos.