CLAPTON

I am going to help Eric Clapton, extra-very-famous guitarist, come to an epiphany, right here, right now.From Rolling Stone, June 11, 2009:RS: You're in an interesting phase in your career. What's driving all these recent collaborations (note: BB King, JJ Cale, Jeff Beck, Steve Winwood, Cream)?EC: Believe it or not, at the age of 64, I still haven't made what I consider to be my best album or found the best live repertoire. I'm still scraping away...

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JOEJACKSON,SCUMBAG

Enough of you.You spent most of your life profiting from the creative ventures of your children. Your brand of verbal and physical "discipline" seems to have put every single one of them somewhere on the scale from odd/unhappy to completely insane.Three days after your son Michael died, you show up to the BET awards, and tell a CNN reporter that you are doing "great!" There is not a single shred of grief or sadness to you. You have a publicist read a statement for you instead of making an attempt to talk like a human being, and then haul out your...

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DEEPEND

“Marco!”“Polo!”“Marco!”“Polo!”My grandpa’s big in-ground pool was busy that summer day in 1965, filled with quite a good selection of his grandchildren. I was three years old and desperately wanted to hang out with my older cousins who were playing games in the pool, but I was too small and couldn’t swim at all. So I sat and pouted at the pool’s edge in my aqua-blue ruffled swimsuit, dangling my legs in the water, wishing I were older and taller and stronger, like I felt I was inside. My mother offered me a float ring shaped like a duck, and I...

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WTF 7

Um. Uh. Um. Uh.Again. The '60s. Apparently even WACKIER in OTHER LANDS. Thanks, Dena, for the vid find! Wh...

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IMAN 'N I

Ah, what a lovely day. Another afternoon of delicious sun and Underground Garage and cool bottled water , relaxing outside and reading the latest issue of InStyle magazine. I like InStyle, because they don’t make me feel crappy for not being a ubercoolsuperwoman – they just show me lots of cool clothes and beauty consumables on shiny slick paper. As Andrew Loog Oldham in Colombia via satellite radio reads me excerpts from a book about Allen Ginsburg...

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ROT

Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you 30-year Media Ho veteran, Johnny Rotten. He's richer and famous, but not younger nor prettier than y...

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HAPPY

Sometimes is it just this simp...

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DIARRHEA

If you have landed here because you are suffering from diarrhea, first let me say that I am truly sorry for the painful watery clenching and spewing contractions of your bowels and anus. I also would like to commend you for being able to leave your commode for a moment to search internet blogs in hope of finding some relief to your embarrassing malady. The Internet knows everything; you know it and I know it and you know it and I know it. And, if...

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BEATIT

Michael Jackson is dead.http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/Music/06/25/michael.jackson/index.htmlThe nice thing I can think of to say about him is that as a child performer in the late ‘60s and early ‘70s, he was a truly gifted singer and dancer, and had a natural charisma and showmanship that were remarkable. You can’t intimidate or beat that into someone, despite his father’s best and repeated efforts. No, he was a very talented little dude, who was used by everyone in his life, protected by no one, with no one ever addressing the very serious physical...

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DUDE 8

I felt somehow sorry for your dollar-store flip-flops because their cheap foam was nearly smashed paper-thin by your waddling bulk, Mr. Massive Sweaty Young Dude In Swim Trunks That Were Near-Eaten By Both Your Spilling Gut And Consumptive Ass Cra...

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GETAWAY

Oh, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, just taking off to Argentina for five days without telling anyone is a bit...eccentric:http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/06/24/south.carolina.governor/index.htmlPerhaps a change of career is in order, like flight attendant or hobo or International Tango Competition Dancer. I think the political one is probably a lil' rocky. Wife sounds pissed too. Major piece of jewelry buy time, call the lawyer first. I think...

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TRIUMPH

HA HA! Triumph The Insult Comic Dog at the recent Bonnaroo Festival, with another reminder of why I should continue to be wary of festivals.Courtesy Conan & EEEEHHNNNbeec...

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IRAN, IRAN SO FAR AWAAAAYAYYYAYYYYY

So, what is going to happen in Iran? Will the sham election stand? Will world pressure and the inflamed youth population bulk force a new and closely-monitored re-vote?HAHAHAHAHA!Excuse me.HAHAHAHAHA!History and 200,000 Revolutionary Guards tell me, NAH. There is NO WAY Ahmadinejad is going to allow that. And we (we being America, not me and the dog or anything) aren’t going to intervene either, and should not. The last thing we need is to meddle in another country that we don’t understand and perhaps cannot understand, and where the slogan “Death...

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WTF 6

Again, we can see another example of why I am a lunatic.Batman. Plus Paul Revere and the Raiders. Plus a belly dancer. Plus three tippling old ladies. Plus three go-go dancers. Plus The Penguin running for political office.I was just a LITTLE GIRL!!!!!! HOW TO MAKE SENSE OF THIS, OTHER THAN TO LIVE IT O...

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UPNORTH

In the Summer of ’69 (HA HA! Now you are thinking of that Bryan Adams song, nyah nyah) I was 7 years old, and we were invited to spend a week up at the lake house of a business friend of my dad’s in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Green Bay was “Up North” to us Southcentral Wisconsinites and was invariably referred to as such, unless you had a really strong accent in which case it was “Aaahp Nort.” Up North was where one would go deeeeer huntin’ an’ iiiiiice...

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DAD

It’s Father’s Day. I had 30 Father’s Days with my dad, and have had 16 without him. It is still an adjustment, somewhat, to go into the Hallmark store and not buy him a card, not think about what to get him. It is just an odd thing to have a parent, and then not have one. I guess you don’t stop having a dad; he is just no longer around. I don’t say that with a feeling of deep sorrow – it’s been 16 years after all – but still, death is the ultimate in finality, huh? He sure has missed a lot since he died, including two of his three grandchildren....

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NAILED 3

Another Optional Beauty Maintenance Saturday. I guess it is all optional, huh? Maybe I should just go all-natural and start wearing hemp shoes and stop using deodorant and go all Euro with the armpits.Nah.First stop was to see Sarah at the waxin’ shop. I like Sarah, because she is very nice and we yabber almost the entire time about our mutual love of music. I went OMGOMGOMGdidyouknowtheflamingLIPSarecomingtoMARYMOOR? and she went OMGOMGOMGOMGreally? and I went YAticketswentonsaletoday! We also discovered we will both be attending the same Death...

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THEKIDSAREALRIGHT

As rock n’ roll ages, it expands. It has so many genres and subgenres– I believe there are perhaps 8 MILLION different kinds of metal classifications – that “rock” seems now to be anything that doesn’t sound absolutely like what came before it. If you are NOT strict jazz, folk, Big Band, Swing, folk, classical, blues, gospel, country, pop (what on earth would you call “How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?”) then you are probably Rock. The inclusion categories increase, and so do the kinds of people making rock n’ roll. At its inception, rock...

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MOM 3

I enjoyed this opinion from my 82-year-old mother today. I might add that she does not own a computer:"Do you understand this Twitter phenomenon?? I sure don't! People writing their every thought every second in 14 words or something? WHO CARES?? WHO CARES!!!"I love my m...

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SURPRISESURPRISE

I know the unpredictability of life has its downsides -- a van plowing into your car as you are taking your child to class, an icy windstorm that almost cancels Christmas, the OOGCP being out of Hairbender coffee beans -- but still, that very unpredictability is really what keeps me going. I just am so thrilled with the idea that I DON'T KNOW what is coming my way on any given day. Today was one of those days where there were many things that surprised me, and every one of them in a good way:-- a nice journalist from a major women's magazine contacted...

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GIRLSTALK

I am a traitor. I am, and I will tell you why, even though it pains me. Women in rock n’ roll have, for the most part, disappointed me. Why is it so hard for women to produce great, classic, substantive, and OOMPHY rock music without the support of male players or producers/handlers? I do not want to think that women are unable simply because of their double X deal. But it is rather rare, is it not? Why?Let me clarify here: I am not thinking about solo artists or supporting/collaborative players like Bjork or Tina Weymouth or Dusty Springfield...

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CRAB V. CRAB

It never ends, does it? The young complain about the old, the old complain about the young. The Circle of Liiiiiiiiiiiife assures this pattern shall never end, as new asses are born everyday, ready to kick the old asses in their flattened saggy buttocks. It doesn’t mean the new asses are superior; they just are full of, well, their own assdom. I would like to take this opportunity to step into an argument, one of the classics: How Old People Can’t...

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BLOTTER

With all the big nasty issues going on in the world, headlines screaming about nuclear tests and rioting in Iran and an unstoppable flu pandemic and such, one forgets about the average, everyday, petty criminal. Not me, though. I love ‘em, just as long as they don’t bother me. There is nothing I enjoy more than picking up a small-town newspaper and reading the weekly Police Blotter. It gives you a feel for some of the work that police departments...

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GATES

The only homes I visited with gates when I was a kid were farms with those big wooden split rail ones that you would have to stop the car to push open, drive through, then stop again and pull and latch it shut, lest some errant cow or goat escape. Nobody else had a gate, unless it was a cute little decorative picket-fence thing. Nobody even had a fenced yard. But today we went to the home of a school friend of MissSix’s, and quite a home it was, and it did have a gate that was not a farm gate. To give you an idea of the scope of this property,...

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GRAYBOY

Guest Blogger: BradIn first grade there was a kid named Robby.Robby was gray, straight up gray. His skin was gray.So I called him Grayboy.On his birthday Grayboy's mom brought cupcakes for the class.Grayboy's mom was a white lady and disturbingly ugly.She was dirty and her hair was mussed.Now I really liked cupcakes, but imagining her dirt and nicotine stained fingers touching that cupcake batter and frosting made me shudder, and I refused her tiny cakes.--Brad, 1...

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HAIKU 2

I sang all todaySo again, you get nothingBut odd vid...

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ART 2

As a long-time professional parent, something you must learn to deal with is ART. Children, in their preschool and elementary years, bring home copious loads of ART to share with you, Their Art Appreciator. We are talking anything from some tornado-looking crayon scribbles on a scrap of construction paper (maybe even with a teacher-transcribed title like, “Fighter Rats Eating Super Guys”) to wobbly unidentifiable ceramic items to pasted pastel ponies...

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TRENTNESS

Trent Reznor says he isn’t going to be on Twitter or any of the other internet social networking sites now. He’s had enough:http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?9,731489Trent is the well-regarded musician behind Nine Inch Nails, best-known for 1994’s big-seller The Downward Spiral. He constructed an innovative sound that blended industrial, metal, and punk genres with enough of an accessible pop sensibility to get the band noticed. He is unafraid to try novel approaches to creating and distributing his music, which I applaud wholeheartedly. I’m a fan....

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