I failed.

I tried, but I failed.

Yesterday, I ordered a pile of crap from Amazon, then today I went to Target and spent $528.73 just in case the pile of crap from Amazon doesn't arrive by Christmas because we are getting a snow EVENT now.

Fail fail fail fail fail.

The alternative non-commercial Christmas I envisioned was lost to a vote-down, procrastination, and weakened willpower. If you buy for one, you are in for all, so that is what it is again. Hooray. Maybe I will cheer up after I finish wrapping and tagging all these things, and don't have to worry about high winds smashing a giant pine tree into my bedroom as I sleep. FANTASTIC.

As we got closer to Target, my mood went screeching downwards, beaten and crabby, anticipating orange-carted showdowns, screeching infants,and hundreds of grim-faced shoppers like myself, throwing toasters and Hannah Montana brand tampons and iPod dock/toilet paper dispensers, and all manner of plastic toys that make ugly electronic sounds into their baskets. Sigh. I am sure I looked as dull-eyed and robotic as everyone else, sizing up each aisle, no smiles, thinking about if I have enough tape at home.

The snow started to fall in earnest, night setting in as I left, roads already slippery. A stop to get extra food at Safeway was nixed after I saw the checkout lines, all open, all extending as far back as I could see with people stocking up for the storm. Bah, I said. We have plenty of uncooked pasta and frozen dog poop to live on for a few days, fuck dat. I got a coffee and slid home.

I hope someday I can like Christmas again. I think I will, but maybe not for awhile.