I have never fully understood how the Christian holiday of Easter morphed from the reverent and somber recalling of "The Crucifixion & Resurrection of Jesus," into a springtime mass intake of chocolate and jellybeans delivered by a rabbit, the coloring and painting of chicken eggs, and gathering for yet another gluttonous and wholly delicious meal, traditionally featuring a glazed ham. I'm all for it, though, because it is absurd and I am a Certified Absurdity Appreciator! Today, I thought I would share with you some very weird vintage Easter cards I dug up on the interhaps. I wish someone would have sent me one of these, but I am not umpti-billion years old.

Chick Soul Train Line! And what's the song? What else? -- the Funky Chicken!

Oh, look it's Stevie Nicks dancing in the moonlight with her bewitched minions!

I think these chicks are marching off to World War I.

Look at this smug cock. He's all struttin' down the lane with his kids in some fancy-schmantzy Italian stroller, probably on their way to a 60K-a-year Ivy-prep preschool! Huh!

I completely lost it when I saw this. "HAPPY XPUCMOCR BOCKPECE, EVERYONE!"

Is this the Easter Titanic?

This bunny looks PISSED to me, all "MY HAT, BITCHES, BACK OFF!"


"Oh, not much, just sittin' on an egg pulled by a rooster blowin' a horn and flappin' my wings. You?"

"Just hangin' out in my shell, bein' a prostitute! Have a nice day!" 

Ladies and gentlemen...please put your hands together for music sensations, The Mitch Easter Greetings!

 Insane Albino Bunny Lord demands more and more from Slave Chick.

Holy crap, I think this bunny has just murdered his boss and is painting the town in his blood!, I just don't know.

 Grocer Chick hates his job; Shopper Chicks think he's a shyster.

Ladies and gentlemen...please now welcome international tunesmiths, The Unstoppable Breeders!

Here's one to traumatize the kiddies! Yay!

After attending church on Easter, apparently it is the tradition to ride around in a dinosaur eggshell in a cart pulled by two bummed-out sheep that you whip with a branch.

There is clearly discrimination against chicks here. Look how she is forced by Old Man Golf Rabbit to carry his clubs!!

This actually looks normal to me after I've spent three hours driving in heavy rain.

Giant Stalker Albino Bunny IS COMING FOR YOU.

And finally, I think we can all agree that if we ever saw this, we would assume that we had taken complete leave of our senses or that our local water supply was topped off with some acid.