Here we are at last, you damn punks, at the third and final day of Pizza Fest 7 coverage! After rocking out very, very hard on Day One and Day Two, those hardy souls who make it to Day Three were heartily rewarded with more incredible performances by beloved locals and national touring fiends/friends, and the infamous and highly-anticipated Pizza Eating Contest! That we all survived the Pizza Eating Contest, even as viewers, is something to be commended. Anyway, hold on to your pepperoni-pep-pep-perroni and let's GO! (Remember, kids, click on the photos to see them in their enlarged full glory, and click on the Flickr set links for that and more!)
"Foodie" culture in 2016 is ubiquitous. Everywhere you look -- on Instagram, Pinterest, Pinstagram, Instainterest, whatever -- there are beautiful photos of scrumptious-looking cuisine, making us feel awed, intrigued, hungry, and complete domestic failures for not plating such edible elegance in our own homes. The bar was not set so high when I was a youth, I might add. Sure, every so often Mom might get inspired to copy the standing rib roast from the local supper club, but in general we ate a lot of casseroles with Campbell's cream-of-something soup dumped in, and cheap ground meat concoctions. Home cooks of the mid-20th Century were encouraged to take full advantage of "time-saving" pre-packaged processed foods. Presentation of a meal, to judge now in hindsight, was designed and implemented by drunk marmosets.
This brings me to share these images from a 1966 pamphlet called, "Woman's Weekly Dairy Cookbook," offered to us by The National Dairy Council. You can see already what we're in for, with a cover dessert featuring so much whipped cream that we might assume the berries were instead layered with fire extinguisher blasts or fluffy attic insulation. How does one begin to eat that?
Food, to me, is one of the great pleasures in life. When I really like a food, MAN ON MAN, I like it. I savor, I swoon, I make every last morsel last the longest I can, which invariably leaves me the last at the table, flirting with a creamy Brie or juicy mango slice. So, since I'm a big fan of food, I do remember a lot about the things I liked especially when I was little and growing up in Wisconsin, and I thought I'd share (or confess) some of the weirder things I used to consume, with recipes if you'd like to indulge. Please to enjoy!
1. CANNIBAL SANDWICHES You need: Cocktail rye bread, raw lean ground beef, sliced raw onion, salt, pepper
This was my favorite treat for years and years, and my dad's favorite. It is also fairly insane, as eating raw beef is a bad idea. Oh, but it was SO GOOD! The key, my mom said, was buying the best fresh custom-ground sirloin and consuming it immediately, and pouring on so much salt and pepper that your blood pressure would explode your vessels.
Do I still eat this?: No. I am not insane. But I sure do miss them.
2. MIRACLE WHIP SANDWICHES You need: Two slices of Wonder Bread, Miracle Whip Salad Dressing
Slather on the Miracle Whip onto the squooshiest white bread you can find; consume. I liked these because they were fast.
Do I still eat this?: No. I now like fiber and flavor in my bread, and buy actual mayo.
We never had candy around the house, so the day I improvised this calorie-fest to approximate a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup I figured I was a straight-up genius. The Hershey's gave it kind of a bitter, processed flavor, but WHO CARES? CANDY SANDWICH!
Do I still eat this?: No. I'd weigh 5000 pounds by now and would be forced to have a reality show.
4. CANNED MAC & CHEESE + COTTAGE CHEESE
You need: 1 can Franco-American Macaroni and Cheese, 1/2 cup cottage cheese
You're lucky I couldn't find a photo of this mixture, because it looks like puke. The choice of this particular canned mac n' cheese was crucial, with its pale yellow fat long noodles, which were unnaturally slippery, in a salty, weird cheesy sauce. The addition of the cottage cheese boosted the salty cheesiness to another level. This was comfort food for me, but it grosses absolutely everyone else out.
Do I still eat this?: About once a year. JUDGE ME, I DON'T CARE!
5. COLD SAUERKRAUT BOWL You need: leftover cooked refrigerated sauerkraut with caraway seeds
If my mom had cooked pork roast or chops during the week, you can be sure she served sauerkraut with it, and if there were leftovers, they were MINE. This was one of my favorite Saturday day morning cartoon-watching snacks, complete with sauerkraut juice that I'd lap up from the bottom of the bowl. This also grossed out everyone, especially my friends who might be sleeping over. I did not care.
Do I still eat this?: I still love sauerkraut (and caraway seeds are VITAL), but the big cold bowl of it is beyond what I can process in my dotage.
6. FRIZZLEBURGERS You need: 1 lb. hamburger, 1 medium onion, chopped, several dashes Worcestershire sauce, salt and pepper, hamburger buns or rye bread
This was my mom's recipe, and one of my dad's favorite lunches. You'd cook the hamburger down into well-done crumbles that resembled tiny carbon rocks, with translucent, extremely-caramelized onions, dashes of Lee & Perrins, and plenty of salt and pepper. Served loose on a bun or rye, it was tasty as heck, ya.
Do I still eat this?: Yes! And the kids love it, too.
In my house, all sandwiches came with butter. ALL. So I didn't realize this was kinda weird until I was an adult. But, I must say, the addition of the butter to the peanut butter highlights the salt and fat in a most-pleasing way,
Do I still eat this?: No, it seems indulgent. But I remember it with taste fondness.
8. MARASCHINO CHERRY JUICE You need: a jar of maraschino cherries
This got me in trouble a lot. We always had a jar of maraschino cherries in the fridge for my dad's cocktails, and we were verboten to eat them, which was awful because they were DELICIOUS. It was all I knew of cherries until I got to be around 10 and had a real cherry, which of course I thought was sour and hideous in comparison to this over-sweetened probably-toxic fruit thing. Anyway, I rationalized that, OK, if I couldn't eat the cherries, I could drink the juice from the jar, right?
Do I still eat this?: That would be really bizarre. No.
9. COLD HOT DOG SANDWICHES You need: cold cooked hot dogs, sliced into bite-sized circles, butter, 2 slices Wonder Bread
This sandwich was like a more-satisfying version of the classic baloney-on-white sandwich. Yes, the hot dog circles would sometimes fall out of the sandwich as you tried to eat it, but it was a challenge I was up to.
Do I still eat this?: I haven't had one in decades, but would like to revisit it once.
10. ZOTZ
You need: Zotz candy
Zotz! I hope you have experienced Zotz in your lifetime, people. It was created in Italy in the late '60s, and remains my favorite candy because IT IS FUNNY. Food + humor = YES. You start out sucking on the fruity hard candy shell, right? Then you get bored and bite into it. THEN A GIANT SOUR FOAM IS RELEASED AND SLAMS YOUR MOUTH! HA HA! Oh, I love it so. I used to trade hoarded Halloween chocolate for these if my friends had some.
Do I still eat this?: In my 40s, I took the Zotz Challenge on a dare, and stuffed as many Zotz into my mouth as I could and then chewed. The resultant explosion blew out of my mouth while I laughed myself into tears. So, there's your answer.
This lady is trying just one Zot for the first time. HA HA! Strange for some people, is just strange.
Miss Eleven and I, worn out and hungry from some productive evening discount shopping tonight, decided to hit one of the local conveyor belt sushi joints we frequent. All the seats circle the belt; no booths, so if it's busy you are seated next to other diners and it can be kinda close quarters. Well, GUESS WHAT? I got seated next to MR. SUSHI tonight. You may not be able to intuit my dripping sarcasm here, so I will detail my experience for you.
You know sometimes when you go into a restaurant and there's some loudmouth guy (it's always a guy...sorry, guys) who will CONSTANTLY be doing and saying things to get attention from everyone around him, like he's friggin' LORD of the place just because he goes there maybe once a week? Oh, man. Like most people, I just want to eat my meal in peace, but here's this huge dude next to me and his thigh keeps banging into mine, and he keeps calling out the name of the restaurant's owner like, "Hey Jack, hey! Hey, man, ah ha ha, hey! Hey, look at Jack, ha ha! Look at him! That guy, he's somethin' else! You da MAN, Jack!" while stuffing his maw with raw fish and dribbling miso soup into his unkempt beard. Mr. Jack for the most part ignored him, but gave a tight smile and nod every so often.
The WORST is that the guy is tried to impress his gal pal next to him (and I guess US ALL) by loudly talking about all the different kinds of sushi that passed by us on the belt, using OF COURSE the proper Japanese names for the fish and rolls EXCEPT that he mispronounced ALL OF THEM. Unagi (freshwater eel roasted with teriyaki sauce) became "UHN-ayyyy-gee," toro (fatty tuna) became "taro," and I nearly imploded in my seat when I heard him ask his companion if she wanted a "Cali Quad," which is the most painful way to reference a 4-piece California Roll that I have ever had the displeasure to hear. I winced, and Miss Eleven poorly stifled a giggle.
At the end of a meal in belt sushi places, the server comes over and counts up your different-colored little plates, each color representing a different price level for the sushi portion on it. They are always extremely fast and efficient at this, because they do it FOR A LIVING. But Mr. Sushi had to get in there as the server was trying to keep her figures straight by blurting, "Yeah, that's 5 orange, 3 purple, 4 dark blue, 3 light blue...NO NO NO, 2 light blue AH HA HA, 1 red, 2 black, and 2 soups and 2 "SAP-per-oh" beers. The server nodded, gave that same tight smile like Jack's, and silently re-counted for herself.
When Mr. Sushi and his beer-giddy paramour got up to leave, he slammed into my arm, causing me to drop my salmon into my soy sauce bowl, which splashed up and made a stain on my shirt. He bumbled away unknowing as I growled and mopped up.
I ate my sesame seed red bean paste balls dessert that I do not know the proper Japanese name for, stayed silent while the server totaled our plates, then walked over and gave Jack the ticket at the register to pay. I said, "Thank you," and did not call him by name.
Speaking as a bo-nah-fied Amurrican myself, I think it's not until you get a chance to leave the United States that you can get an idea of how pervasive American culture and influence is across the globe -- welcomed or not by our brethren abroad. We are somehow larger than life, with all our good and bad points hyper-accentuated. Japanese brewers/distillers Suntory decided to harness the powerful Euro-American image to sell alkie-haul back in the 1970s, and began to feature non-Asian celebs in their commercials. The paychecks were tremendous and exposure limited to Japan (remember, this was pre-internet and pre-cable, so what was made in Japan, stayed in Japan). Some notables that wouldn't be caught dead flogging products in the U.S. could safely sell out in Asia and rest on a nicely-yen-stuffed futon for awhile, rather than taking on the role of Lt. Professor Chud Broadbacke in "Revenge of the Planet Of The Ape-Like Things That Are Not Apes" to pay the mortgage on that Sunset Boulevard party palace. If you've seen the film "Lost In Translation," you may already be familiar with the concept.
Today, I will bring you a few of these Suntory commercials featuring some quite famous folks. Some that aren't even quite American, too. Please to enjoy.
This is my favorite, because it's Sammy Davis, Jr. and The Sam Man rules. I miss him.
Of course, the Japanese are infamous for creating some of the weirdest commercials ever made, and this one featuring Duran Duran has got to be one of them. The band is made to look like giant bobble-heads performing to the creepiest doll audience ever. I have no idea how this sells whiskey to anyone. Maybe the Japanese porcelain doll collector/Duranny subsection of the population really loves whiskey.
Back in the era when I made a sincere-if-ultimately-misguided attempt at Classical Suburban Mom Domesticity, I got into Holiday Gift Treat Making. Each year, I would try to make something new, or would combine tried-and-true favorites in a cavalcade of Christmas food overload, all tied up in bows and ribbons. Twenty pounds of carefully-baked Chex Mix? Three different kinds of fudge (peppermint, rocky road, walnut)? Giant pretzel sticks dipped in melted chocolate and then rolled in either shredded coconut, red and green sprinkles, or chopped Heath bar bits? Check, check, and check. But that on top of creating, writing, addressing, and sending out over 100 Christmas cards, and all the present selection, buying, and shipping, and all the holiday stuff at school and work parties and charity stuff AND AND AND AND caused me to have a December meltdown of sorts. I just couldn't do it anymore; remember, the only class I ever flunked in school was Home Ec. I don't have the temperament to be Martha Stewart-perfect, but at least I can say I tried, and also that I never made food that killed anyone... I believe.
In genial honor of my seasonal failures, today I bring you a few ideas for holiday treat gift-giving that won't stress you out, break your bank, or cause Krampus to burst through your toilet and take you away to Mars, or whatever it is that he does to evil kiddies at Christmastime. Please to enjoy!
1. Dump a cup of white sugar in a ziplock bag. On the outside of the bag in red Sharpie write "FROSTY SNOW CRYSTALS" and instruct the recipient to enjoy with a spoon at their home or even on-the-go!
2. Find an old wine bottle with a twist cap (like you have wine with a cork anyway, lol), making sure it is empty. Take the old grapes you have left in the fridge and put them in your blender with a cup of white vinegar and 2 cups of store-brand lemon-lime soda that you have let go flat. After it is mixed, pour into wine bottle and replace cap. Use your printer to copy some fancy wine label (maybe a Chardonnay or something) and superglue it on the bottle. Tie red ribbon on bottle, and tell your giftee that it is from your family's "private collection."
3. Take 2 cups of stale Raisin Bran, mix in chopped up Halloween candy, put in Ziploc bag. Call it "REINDEER TRAIL MIX."
4. Take leftover meatloaf and stud it with chopped-up Gummi Bears and chill. Call it "GRANDMA'S SPECIAL FRUITCAKE." Don't worry about anyone figuring out it's meatloaf; everyone tosses out gift fruitcake right away, so no one will ever taste it.
5. Take three stale large marshmallows and stack them, secured internally by toothpicks. Chop up a couple of Xanax tablets and use the pieces to make a face on the top marshmallow. Call it "MOMMY'S LITTLE HELPER SNOWMAN" and give to an equally-agitated homemaker. Remind her to eat it at home after the kids are in bed, and to not die from eating the toothpicks.
Are you like me, friend? Are you already totally burnt-out and SO VERY OVER the holidays? Are you dreading the hundreds of cheerful and savior-like human interactions that you will be faced with in the next month or so? Is their nothing left in your decorative gourd of a skull to even begin to contemplate all the presents and meals and do-gooding you are responsible for? Well, put your feet up, my slothful compadre, because I'm going to save you a whole lotta work this Thursday by providing you with...
THE LAZIEST THANKSGIVING MENU EVER!
You don't even have to battle the crowds at the grocery store! My thoughtful menu is cutting you a break by relying on items you already probably have in your home. You should be able to whip this whole holiday spread out on the table in just a few minutes, which gets you back to staring at a football game or hiding from your guests in your bedroom even faster! Let's begin to not prep!
1. Turkey: Take last week's leftover Safeway rotisserie chicken carcass from your fridge, quickly hack/pull any remaining meat off off it, and heat on HIGH in your microwave for six minutes, just to make sure it's nice and dry. If someone at the table gives you the stinkeye and says, "Hey...this turkey tastes like chicken," you should reply offhandedly, "Everything tastes like chicken." If you don't have enough carcass meat, embellish with cold cuts, and repeat that it is, of course, turkey.
2. Mashed potatoes: Go to your car. In the back seat, there are many crumpled-up McDonald's food bags. Gather all of them and bring into kitchen. Shake out all the old french fries remaining at the bottom of all the bags, and place in bowl. Smush them up with your hands and then microwave on HIGH for 2-3 minutes. If anyone at the table complains about their texture, color, or taste, inform the guests that this is a "rustic" preparation.
3. Sweet potatoes: Take half the McDonald's fries "mashed potatoes," whip with orange food coloring and several packets of Sweet 'n Low. Toss in some old Halloween candy, chopped, and microwave on HIGH for 2-3 minutes. Tell your guest proactively this is a Paula Deen recipe.
4. Cranberry sauce: Dig out all the half-eaten little boxes of raisins that your kids have left in the pantry; rehydrate with hot water for 1 minute. Mix with red food coloring and applesauce. Serve.
5. Stuffing: Take all the old, dried-out bread heels you have in the pantry and form it into small lumpen bites. Mix with a can of the matzo ball soup you've held onto for six years, all the leftover spices you have, that thing in the fridge that might be a half of a cut onion and might not be, a glob of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, and microwaved bacon. Repeat, "Everybody likes bacon!" to yourself.
6. Dinner rolls: Take the open packet of flour tortillas from your fridge and fold them into little square packets. Toast in toaster on medium setting. Serve as "Heritage Rolls."
7. Gravy. Boil several cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer with Bisquick and a crumbled leftover hamburger patty from one of the McDonald's bags until thickened.
8. Pumpkin pie: Press Pop Tarts into a pie pan. Grab all the kids' Snak Pak puddings (any flavor) and mix with orange food coloring; pour into Pop Tart crust and refrigerate. Tell guests one of the kids made it so they can't complain about it.
Needless to say, serve as much as you can on paper plates and guilt your guests into cleaning up your kitchen for you when you are done eating. Enjoy!
Our Supermarket Sushi, which art in Safeway, Aiight be thy Name. Thy Sushi Chefs come. Thy California Rolls be done in the deli As it is in a OK restaurant. Give us this day our daily soy sauce packets And forgive us our culinary compromises, As we forgive them that undercook rice against us. And lead us not into the Kung Pao Chicken, But deliver us from microbial infections. For thine is the convenience,
Miss Ten and I went out after school today to buy her some new clothes and shoes. We found out that she is now wearing adult-sized shoes, she doesn't like glitter or shiny stuff on her clothes, loves anything purple or teal, and will accidentally ram our shopping cart into my heels approximately every 20 minutes. After all this learning and pain, we decided to recharge our batteries by stopping by one of our favorite conveyor-belt (Kaiten) sushi restaurants. I am always a little surprised to find out how many people don't know about the glories of kaiten sushi, as it is especially great for families. You sit down at a booth or counter and BAM! Your food choices are RIGHT THERE in yo' face, coming by one small plate at a time on the conveyor belt. You just pick the ones you like or you can also order directly from the wait person or the sushi chef. It's delicious, healthy, fast, and fun. Here is a video from the YouTubes showing you what it is, what it be:
If you have never had sushi, man, are you missing out. Great sushi -- even good sushi -- is one of the planet's finest foods. I know some folks are a little freaked by the whole idea of raw fish (don't worry; I have a cruelly-sensitive gut and I have never gotten ill from sushi in 30 years) and maybe are also intimidated about how to order and how to eat it. There's a video for that, too:
These days, I very rarely drink any kind of soda, sticking more to coffee, water, and beer, but in days past I had a pretty obsessive relationship with both Pepsi Light and Fresca. I think I actually burned myself out on soda. I don't enjoy it as much now, which is just as well because I don't think it's good for ya. Anyway, probably not very many of you are with me here; the carbonated beverage market shows no signs of slowing down here in good ol' 'Merica, even if New York City's Mayor Bloomberg is trying his best.
Soda was a treat when I was growing up, something that we didn't have in the house unless we were having a party or had company. When I could get my hands on a bottle (yes, a BOTTLE) of Coca-Cola or Fresca or Pepsi-Cola or Orange Crush or Dr. Pepper or even a Diet Rite or a Tab, my day was made. But there was one soda that was particularly HOT when I was a little kid in the '60s, and that was Mountain Dew. It was first made in 1940 in Tennessee, but wasn't available nationwide until the Pepsi folks bought the brand in 1964. I can remember the ad campaign well, sort of linking it in my mind with "The Beverly Hillbillies" TV show. I can't tell you how many times we kids ran around yelling "YAHOO! MOUNTAIN DEW!" for no reason.
My tiny tastebuds then honestly couldn't distinguish one cola brand from another, Sprite from 7-UP, or Fresca from Squirt. But Mountain Dew was unique. It was an almost-fluorescent green-yellow color, with a dense, sweet-sour taste. It almost felt like you were scandalously drinking actual moonshine in a way, which of course was what the term "Mountain Dew" meant originally. I love Grandpa Jones.
So here's where the first question of mine came up: HOLY CRAP, WHY DO I FEEL SO WEIRD AFTER DRINKING MOUNTAIN DEW??? No joke, even as a soda-starved CHILD I eventually self-selected off drinking Mountain Dew because it made me feel jittery and dizzy and wired and upset my stomach, which no other soda ever did. Well, here's WHY: Mountain Dew is loaded with caffeine, 54 mgs as opposed to Coke's 34mgs (and I'll bet Mountain Dew used to have even MORE back inna day). That's a lot of caffeine for a little body. BUT, when you add in Mountain Dew's Yellow Dye #5 (tartrazine), guess what? EXTRA CRAY! A recent scientific study showed that children with and without ADHD who ingested tartrazine showed an increase in ADHD-like symptoms. Yikes! So all the kids I knew who would slam down the Dew cramming for tests...probably didn't do so well, huh?
Many, many years later as an adult I decided to try Mountain Dew again, just for nostalgia's sake. I was very disappointed to find that it just didn't taste the same at all -- it was far more generic-citrus, and I didn't like it. Which brings us to the answer to my second question: WHY DINT IT TASTE SAME? Because in the '90s, the company decided to replace the original recipe's sugar with the very evil HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP. I guess I wasn't the only person who thought that was lousy, because eventually they decided to produce "Mountain Dew Throwback," using sugar.
My two long-standing questions answered, my curiosity sated, I will now enjoy a long, cold, refreshing sip of store-brand bottled water.
I hope all of you out there who celebrated Thanksgiving today enjoyed a fine day of family, friends, and food. If you are like most Americans this evening, you will be laid out on on the couch right about now with a bloated stomach wondering why and how you jammed so much STUFF down your gullet, waiting a few moments until you can JAM down a hunk of pie with ice cream. Internally, your entire system is on full alert: "OVERLOAD! OVERLOAD! ALL SYSTEMS MAXIMUM TO GASTRO SYSTEM, STAT!" Which is why you now have the brain power of the turkey you just ate, and cannot think or move, other than maybe lift YET ANOTHER FORKFUL into your SALIVA SLOT.
Thoughtfully, I've hunted down these old Alka-Seltzer commercials for you to enjoy, before you spend the rest of the night in the bathroom. I really hated Speedy Alka-Seltzer, but hated that horrid Snuggle Fabric Softener bear even MORE, just for your information.
Ding Dongs, the company is dead, the big bad debt-choked company is dead.
After 82 years in business, Hostess Brands, makers of iconic sugar-laden packaged snacks like Twinkies, Ho Hos, Dolly Madison fruit pies, Snowballs, and the aforementioned Ding Dongs, as well as that texture-free staple of picky children everywhere, Wonder Bread, is no more. The company announced today that it was closing immediately and completely, and would be selling off its brands and remaining assets in bankruptcy proceedings. On the Hostess website, the company rather nastily blamed a current strike and demands by the baker's union for "crippling" Hostess and delivering the final nail in the company coffin. The union claims gross mismanagement by Hostess bigwigs (this is the second bankruptcy for Hostess in ten years) even after 100 million dollars in labor concessions at the bargaining table. The bottom line: 18K+ folks are out of work now, and Hostess will try to find someone to flog their nostalgic but irrelevant food to a more health-conscious public. After all, sure, I loved Hostess products when I was a kid, but I have never once fed them to my own kids, and I think that's really what the problem is -- changing times, changing tastes.
Anyway, Hostess may or may not resurrect again sometime, but in the meantime I can come to the rescue, via my mom! She makes her own "homemade Twinkies" that are SO SO SO SO much better than the packaged ones that if you miss them on the store shelves, try making this, and then you are SET FOR LIFE. They won't be in that little handheld tube shape, true, but you gotta give up something for freshness. Please to enjoy!
Mom’s Homemade "Twinkies"
Ingredients:
1 box yellow cake mix*
eggs vegetable oil
milk
flour
sugar
stick butter
shortening
salt
vanilla extract
Grease a 9” x 13” baking pan and then line with greased and
lightly floured wax paper. The wax paper should extend up 1” over all sides of
pan, to assist in lifting the cake from the pan once cooked and cooled.
Prepare cake mix as directed on the box in large bowl with eggs and vegetable oil. Pour
batter into greased and lined pan. Bake according to box, remove from oven, and
cool completely.
While cake is baking, prepare cake filling. Bring 1 cup milk and 5 level tbsps. of flour
to a boil in a small saucepan, stirring constantly with a whisk to avoid lumps. Turn off burner after it
comes to a boil and stir constantly while still on the burner until mixture is thickened
and smooth. Cool completely in refrigerator. In large mixing bowl, cream 1 cup
sugar, ½ cup stick butter (softened), ½
cup shortening, ½ tsp. salt, and 1 tsp. vanilla extract with a mixer. Add
cooled milk and flour mixture to creamed ingredients and beat until white and
fluffy.
Carefully flip cooled cake pan upside-down on large cookie
sheet and slowly remove the wax paper from cake and pan. Make extra sure cake is completely cooled
before cutting!
Slowly cut the cake in half lengthwise (try using a bread
knife). Slip the top layer to a second cookie sheet, supporting the layer very
carefully from underneath with both hands to avoid breakage.
Evenly spread the cake filing onto bottom layer of halved
cake using knife or spatula. Gently slide top layer of cake over and onto cake
filling. Refrigerate several hours before cutting into Twinkie size bars and
serving.
(You may cut individual slices, wrap with foil or saran wrap
and freeze for a lunch box treat which will thaw by lunchtime.)
Thanksgiving is coming up fast, and families all over America are making their travel plans to reunite with their loved ones, criss-crossing the country by car, plane, train, or god forbid, bus. The host and/or hostess of the feast must begin making preparations in order to purchase, prepare, cook, and serve the guests that have high expectations for a delicious meal. Because I am both thoughtful and practical, I thought I would help out the 40-70% of the population that experience holiday meal gathering with their terminally messed-up families as a nightmare on par with getting a root canal with no anesthesia or being forced to watch a Honey Boo Boo TV marathon while cradling a used adult diaper. Here are my suggestions for Dining With Dysfunction on Thanksgiving Day! Gobble gobble, one of us!
MENU
Appetizers
Several large bags Ruffles-brand potato chips, so your dad won't lose his shit again that you didn't buy Ruffles
Individual cups of Ranch dip, because the kids will whine about the "icky gross onions" in French Onion if you buy that, and germophobe Aunt Linda freaks out if she catches anyone double-dipping
Cheese-and-sausage plate for the dog to steal off the table at some point
Veggie plate so you can listen to a 45-minute intensely-detailed story from Grandma June about how broccoli really helps her bowel function
Coma-inducing amounts of red wine for the adults; cherry-flavored Kool-Aid for the kids (both make for superior carpet stains)
Main Meal
The largest possible turkey you can fit into your oven, so that it will take five hours longer to cook than you expected while everyone bitches that they are starving and close to death from hunger, and then will complain when you serve it that it's "a bit dry"
Several pounds potatoes to boil and then mash in a furious tension-venting rage
Five different kinds of stuffing because there's some bitter "best kind of stuffing" competition for 30 years between your mom and aunt and Grandma and uncle and sister-in-law, all of which taste strange and will end up thrown out into the backyard to be consumed by crows
Sweet potatoes and yams because Grandpa Carl insists one of them is a fruit and you need both
A bowl of kosher dill pickles because you have a weird four-year-old that won't eat anything else
Pan-made drippings gravy, which will be lumpy and burnt, and canned gravy, which will taste like a salt mine and a plastic animal
Homemade cranberry sauce from your sister Maureen with undercooked berries that are inedible, and canned cranberry jelly, because your spouse hates any texture in food
Cooked carrots, which Grandpa will mistake for "the most tasteless yams" he's ever had
Corn-on-the-cob, so your nephew Jayden can point it at your daughter and say, "this is really a spy gun and I'm going to blow your head off," making her cry and run from the table
Warmed dinner rolls to make everyone fatter than they already are
Dessert
Pumpkin pie purchased pre-cooked from the grocery store, because at this point just eff it all
Whipped cream from a pressurized can, which the kids earlier in the day will find and secretly consume in a great giggling fit in the basement, returning the can completely empty when you need it
Pecan pie for Grandma June, so you can hear her intensely-detailed story about how she once had the best piece of pecan pie she ever had in her life at a hotel in Altoona, PA. in 1961, and this sure doesn't come anywhere close to that, what a shame
Coffee, which will be spilled by your brother-in-law who has had too much red wine, causing a mild burn that requires him to stand up and take off his entire shirt at the table, revealing his hairy bloated gut
Cheese Course
Cancelled when everyone is completely grossed-out after the dog throws up the cheese-and-sausage appetizer plate all over the floor and then stress-poops on Grandma June's purse
Once again, I aim to bring you information designed to enhance your lives, especially in times of crisis, like the vicious wind-and-water cluster-eff that is currently battering The Side Of The Country With Old Buildings And Seinfeld And Monuments. Millions of you are going to be cooped up in your homes for days, probably without power or fresh water, and you are going to get very bored...and hungry. I've thoughtfully come up with some practical, easy-to-fix recipes for you to use in this scenario, made from items that you likely have in your pantry. Please to enjoy, and if you MUST go out, at least photobomb a news reporter kayaking down your flooded street.
Italian Dinner For One
1 jar Prego spaghetti sauce packet of stale saltine crackers garlic powder
Open jar of spaghetti sauce. Drink straight from jar. Sprinkle garlic power on saltines and eat along with sauce. Serve with leftover bottle of red wine from last week that you didn't enjoy at all.
Mediterranean Tuna Salad For Cat Owners
1 pull-top can of albacore tuna, packed in oil 1 12 oz. can garbanzo beans 5 cocktail olives from a jar in the very very back of the fridge
Open can of tuna, drain. Give the tuna oil to cat that is going completely insane. Flake tuna into large bowl. Attempt to open can of garbanzo beans, but realize that you don't own a manual can opener and the power is out. Swear. Use screwdriver to force several holes into top of bean can until you can shake most of them out. Drain; pick out metal flakes, pour beans into bowl with tuna. Retrive olive jar from fridge. Scream when you turn around to put the olives in the bowl with the tuna and the beans and see the cat eating it. Decide to eat it anyway.
Melted Ham & Cheese Sandwich
2 slices hearty bread 3 slices deli ham meat 3 slices Cheddar, Swiss, or Gouda cheese mayonnaise
Cut mold off of bread slices, then generously slather one side of each piece with mayonnaise. Place ham and cheese slices on bread, and close sandwich. Using a tongs, heat over large emergency candle until bread is toasted and cheese just begins to melt. After eating, panic that the mayonnaise, ham, and cheese is all rancid from being in the fridge without power for three days. Throw up in toilet. Use saved fresh water you stored in bathtub to flush toilet.
Breakfast Cereal Pastiche
1 c. any boxed breakfast cereal 1/2 c. raisins 1/8 c. sliced almonds 1 six-pack beer
Combine dry ingredients in large bowl. Add beer until you don't care anymore about how bad it tastes. Serve promptly.
Peanut Butter Blowout
1 jar peanut butter, smooth or chunky
Open jar of peanut butter. Use spoon to eat from jar until you never want to see or smell peanut butter ever again.
I'm Marianne Spellman. I am in Seattle-ish. I like and make music and words and photos and videos and coffee and have crappy eyesight, like every other blogger. I do freelance thingies for cool people and places every so often.
How To Choose A Democrat Nominee For President in 2020: 1. Candidate Aligns With Your Personal Values 2. Candidate Is Personable and Well-Funded 3. Candidate Is Maybe Not An Old White Man 4. Candidate Is Of Fine Character 5. The Person Who Will Beat The Orange Moron So Thoroughly That He Will Deflate Into A Gooey Melted Circus Peanut
"Twenty Feet From Stardom" film (June 4, 2013 via Facebook): "We love this review!!"
Ko Melina, The Dirtbombs, SIRIUS XM Underground Garage DJ (September 6, 2012, via Twitter): "Awesome #Bumbershoot photos of the @DirtbombsBand by @mariannesp..."
Kathy Valentine, The Go-Gos (August 23, 2011, via Twitter):
"Cool blog review & candid concert pics that capture the day perfectly!"
Bill Oglesby , Saxophonist, "Coronado," Deerhunter, Halcyon Digest (February 16, 2011, via YouTube):
"Hi Marianne, I'm the sax player on this cut and I've been enjoying this wonderful video collage that you put together for months.
I consider it quite an honor that you chose Illinois Jacquet to represent me not that I would compare my playing to his in any way, but Jacquet was a real soul-cat.
Thank you."
Keith Gordon, Co-Star & WM BFF, "Winnebago Man" (July 11, 2010, via Facebook):
Without doubt, the BEST and only original music with 'Bago bytes remix ever done. So this is what I get to hear swirling around in my head for the next few days? Welcome aboard; I'm delighted!"
Joel Heller, Producer, "Winnebago Man" (July 11, 2010, via Facebook):
"We love your song Marianne."
Ira Robbins, Trouser Press (March 20, 2010, via Facebook):
"great piece of writing. i liked the film better and the band less, but no matter. this is top-notch cultural criticism. give this woman a job!"
Chris Walter (Feb. 15, 2010, via Diarrhea Island):
"Nice piece, thank you. And thanks to Graham. I think all the photographers had a great time up there, it is an excellent book and exhibition.
Thanks
Chris"
Graham Nash (Feb. 8, 2010, via Diarrhea Island):
"Thanks so much for your very perceptive review of the show at the EMP...... Let's not forget to give thanks to Paul Allen and the people of Seattle for supporting the arts....
Again, well done."
John Cleese (Nov. 4, 2009, via Facebook):
"Nice review of the show by a real person."
God (Aug. 28, 2009, via Twitter):
"Listen, honey, if you weren't a chick you would so be smote right now."
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