Once again, I aim to bring you information designed to enhance your lives, especially in times of crisis, like the vicious wind-and-water cluster-eff that is currently battering The Side Of The Country With Old Buildings And Seinfeld And Monuments. Millions of you are going to be cooped up in your homes for days, probably without power or fresh water, and you are going to get very bored...and hungry. I've thoughtfully come up with some practical, easy-to-fix recipes for you to use in this scenario, made from items that you likely have in your pantry. Please to enjoy, and if you MUST go out, at least photobomb a news reporter kayaking down your flooded street.

Italian Dinner For One

1 jar Prego spaghetti sauce
packet of stale saltine crackers
garlic powder

Open jar of spaghetti sauce. Drink straight from jar. Sprinkle garlic power on saltines and eat along with sauce. Serve with leftover bottle of red wine from last week that you didn't enjoy at all.

Mediterranean Tuna Salad For Cat Owners

1 pull-top can of albacore tuna, packed in oil
1 12 oz. can garbanzo beans
5 cocktail olives from a jar in the very very back of the fridge

Open can of tuna, drain. Give the tuna oil to cat that is going completely insane. Flake tuna into large bowl. Attempt to open can of garbanzo beans, but realize that you don't own a manual can opener and the power is out. Swear. Use screwdriver to force several holes into top of bean can until you can shake most of them out. Drain; pick out metal flakes, pour beans into bowl with tuna. Retrive olive jar from fridge. Scream when you turn around to put the olives in the bowl with the tuna and the beans and see the cat eating it. Decide to eat it anyway.

Melted Ham & Cheese Sandwich

2 slices hearty bread
3 slices deli ham meat
3 slices Cheddar, Swiss, or Gouda cheese 

Cut mold off of bread slices, then generously slather one side of each piece with mayonnaise. Place ham and cheese slices on bread, and close sandwich. Using a tongs, heat over large emergency candle until bread is toasted and cheese just begins to melt. After eating, panic that the mayonnaise, ham, and cheese is all rancid from being in the fridge without power for three days. Throw up in toilet. Use saved fresh water you stored in bathtub to flush toilet.

Breakfast Cereal Pastiche

1 c. any boxed breakfast cereal
1/2 c. raisins
1/8 c. sliced almonds
1 six-pack beer

Combine dry ingredients in large bowl. Add beer until you don't care anymore about how bad it tastes. Serve promptly.

Peanut Butter Blowout

1 jar peanut butter, smooth or chunky

Open jar of peanut butter. Use spoon to eat from jar until you never want to see or smell peanut butter ever again.