Are you like me, friend? Are you already totally burnt-out and SO VERY OVER the holidays? Are you dreading the hundreds of cheerful and savior-like human interactions that you will be faced with in the next month or so? Is their nothing left in your decorative gourd of a skull to even begin to contemplate all the presents and meals and do-gooding you are responsible for? Well, put your feet up, my slothful compadre, because I'm going to save you a whole lotta work this Thursday by providing you with...


You don't even have to battle the crowds at the grocery store! My thoughtful menu is cutting you a break by relying on items you already probably have in your home. You should be able to whip this whole holiday spread out on the table in just a few minutes, which gets you back to staring at a football game or hiding from your guests in your bedroom even faster! Let's begin to not prep!

1. Turkey: Take last week's leftover Safeway rotisserie chicken carcass from your fridge, quickly hack/pull any remaining meat off off it, and heat on HIGH in your microwave for six minutes, just to make sure it's nice and dry. If someone at the table gives you the stinkeye and says, "Hey...this turkey tastes like chicken," you should reply offhandedly, "Everything tastes like chicken." If you don't have enough carcass meat, embellish with cold cuts, and repeat that it is, of course, turkey.

2. Mashed potatoes: Go to your car. In the back seat, there are many crumpled-up McDonald's food bags. Gather all of them and bring into kitchen. Shake out all the old french fries remaining at the bottom of all the bags, and place in bowl. Smush them up with your hands and then microwave on HIGH for 2-3 minutes. If anyone at the table complains about their texture, color, or taste, inform the guests that this is a "rustic" preparation.

3. Sweet potatoes: Take half the McDonald's fries "mashed potatoes," whip with orange food coloring and several packets of Sweet 'n Low. Toss in some old Halloween candy, chopped, and microwave on HIGH for 2-3 minutes. Tell your guest proactively this is a Paula Deen recipe.

4. Cranberry sauce: Dig out all the half-eaten little boxes of raisins that your kids have left in the pantry; rehydrate with hot water for 1 minute. Mix with red food coloring and applesauce. Serve.

5. Stuffing: Take all the old, dried-out bread heels you have in the pantry and form it into small lumpen bites. Mix with a can of the matzo ball soup you've held onto for six years, all the leftover spices you have, that thing in the fridge that might be a half of a cut onion and might not be, a glob of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, and microwaved bacon. Repeat, "Everybody likes bacon!" to yourself. 

6. Dinner rolls: Take the open packet of flour tortillas from your fridge and fold them into little square packets. Toast in toaster on medium setting. Serve as "Heritage Rolls."

7. Gravy. Boil several cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer with Bisquick and a crumbled leftover hamburger patty from one of the McDonald's bags until thickened.

8. Pumpkin pie: Press Pop Tarts into a pie pan. Grab all the kids' Snak Pak puddings (any flavor) and mix with orange food coloring; pour into Pop Tart crust and refrigerate. Tell guests one of the kids made it so they can't complain about it.

Needless to say, serve as much as you can on paper plates and guilt your guests into cleaning up your kitchen for you when you are done eating. Enjoy!