IF YOU ASK MY MOM TO MAKE YOU AN EGG SANDWICH…

…you’re going to have to answer a lot of questions.

This is verbatim from this morning.

Mom: What would you like for breakfast?

Me: How about an egg sandwich?

Mom: Sure! We’ve got cereal, too! Do you want cereal, too?

Me: No, the sandwich is fine, thanks.

Mom: OK! Do you want one egg or two?

Me: Um…two, please.

Mom: Do you want the yolks broken or not?

Me: Um…broken, please.

Mom: Do you want it fried until it’s crispy? Your dad liked that. Or not so crispy?

Me: Not so crispy.

Mom: Do you want cheese on top?

Me: Yup.

Mom: What kind? (digging around in the fridge) We’ve got Muenster, Colby, Monterey Jack, sharp Cheddar…

Me: Sharp cheddar, please.

Mom: Excellent choice. Oh! We have shredded cheddar…

Me: The sharp is fine.

Mom: Do you want it melted just a little or a lot?

Me: Um…I…I guess medium?

Mom: Do you want some ham on it?

Me: No, not this time.

Mom: Salami?

Me: Um…no. Just cheese.

Mom: OK! What kind of bread do you want? There’s potato, 12-grain…

Me: 12-grain, please.

Mom: There are hamburger buns. You could have it on a bun.

Me: The 12-grain is fine, Mom.

Mom: Do you want the bread toasted or plain?

Me: Toasted, please.

Mom: How dark do you want the toast to be? Your dad liked his toast just about burnt.

Me: Not “just about.” He liked it blackened.

Mom: That’s true. I wonder why that was?

Me: I’ll just have it…light brown.

Mom: Like on 3? Or 4? The toaster setting, I mean.

Me: (slightly exasperated) Mom. Either. Either will be fine, I’m sure.

Mom: Do you want any lettuce on it?

Me: No, thank you.

Mom: What about tomato?

Me: No, not today.

Mom: Do you want me to cut it in half? Or not cut it at all?

Me: Half is fine.

Mom: I could cut it in quarters. You liked that when you were little.

Me: HALF IS FINE.

Mom: What do you want on it? Mayo? Miracle Whip? Mustard?

Me: How about just some ketchup?

Mom: Hunt’s or Heinz?

Me: (laughing) Seriously? Heinz!

Mom: I also have some leftover ketchup packets from McDonald’s! Do you want those?

Me: (smiling) Sure! Why not use them up?

Mom: Right! (pauses) Are you sure you don’t want cereal? Fruit?

Me: No, this will be FINE.

Mom: What do you want to drink? Milk? Juice? We have orange juice, tomato…

Me: I have coffee, thank you.

Mom: Do you need cream or sugar?

Me: I am good. Thank you.

Mom: Oh, that’s good.

Me: (smiling) Yes.

Mom: Can I get you anything else?

Me: (smiling) No.