September 1963 really is a long-ass time ago, and the sexual social norms that were in place then seem at times now to be strangely quaint or horribly repressive, depending on your worldview. Today, I thought I would provide a a small snarky revisit to the past for those who cannot recall the days when women were expected to procure a husband as soon as possible after high school, quitting any employment outside the home or college to raise multiple children-- period. The Pill was available to some women, but never to unmarried women, and in some states no contraceptives were legally allowed at all, and of course abortion was still illegal. To have a child out-of-wedlock was a deep shame, and girls and women were often secretly banished to distant "unwed mothers" institutions during their pregnancies, their babies taken away immediately and adopted out, never to be seen again. Those women who by fate or choice or different sexual identification didn't get married were automatically labeled a "spinster" or "butch" and were pitied or ridiculed. Women, therefore, were raised to believe that early marriage and motherhood was the ultimate end-game, which was made more palatable by the romantic, idealistic songs and movies poured into the collective social consciousness.

So in that light, I'm going to deconstruct the lyrics of the Crystals' "Then He Kissed Me," released in September of 1963, and written by Phil Spector, Ellie Greenwich, and Jeff Barry, and tell you what they really meant, because you couldn't say that on the radio, either.

Well, he walked up to me and he asked me if I wanted to dance. (A guy thought I had nice boobs and wanted to cop a feel)
He looked kinda nice and so I said I might take a chance. (I thought he looked like he might have a decent job and wouldn't hit me)
When he danced he held me tight (He copped a feel)
And when he walked me home that night (He couldn't get his dad's car that night)
All the stars were shining bright (The better to see you with, my dear)
And then he kissed me. (Because that's the only thing we could do in public)
Each time I saw him I couldn't wait to see him again. (I think I hooked a fish)
I wanted to let him know that he was more than a friend. (Lock and load)
I didn't know just what to do (I'm not that good-looking, charming, or rich)
So I whispered I love you (Flashing the Batsignal)
And he said that he loved me too (Signal recognized)
And then he kissed me. (Moving forward)
He kissed me in a way that I've never been kissed before, (Oral)
He kissed me in a way that I wanna be kissed forever more. (Oral)
I knew that he was mine so I gave him all the love that I had (Intercourse)
And one day he took me home to meet his mon and his dad. (Making sure he's not disowned)
Then he asked me to be his bride (Because I got pregnant)
And always be right by his side. (Diaper duty, laundry, dishes, floors, ironing, vacuuming x 60 years)
I felt so happy I almost cried (But really I'm freaked out because I'm just a kid)
And then he kissed me. (Game over)

Then he asked me to be his bride
And always be right by his side.
I felt so happy I almost cried
And then he kissed me.
And then he kissed me.
And then he kissed me.