1. Don't get eaten by a shark. It's a nasty way to die, and completely avoidable, you know.

2. Don't neglect the view from the rear. Spanx, spackel, eye bleach...whatever you have to do, do it, for god's sake.

3. Don't go to law school. I'm not kidding, and neither are these folks. I don't care WHAT you think about law or helping people or interesting work or making money. DON'T GO. EVER. If you do, I will personally kick your ass. Don't think I won't. NO.

4. Don't eat surstromming.

5. For that matter, don't eat anything labeled "Southern Snack." You're just asking for trouble.

6. Don't bother apologizing if you don't really mean it. You're not fooling anyone, you reprehensible  racist, sexist, drug-addled, college-dropout, multiple-marriage-failing, lying, money-whoring, hypocritical bloated hatemonger.

7. Don't be afraid to speak your mind. See #6.

8. Don't forget to order a huge martini glass full of fried food the next time you have a layover in LAX.

9. Don't forget -- when the lot says "Tow Zone 24/7," they probably mean it.

10. Don't forget to put your crown on in the morning. Everything goes better after that.