I've been waiting a long time to do this -- 43 years, in fact, since I first heard and LOATHED Bobby Goldsboro's #1 hit, "Honey" on my little red transistor radio. To be fair, Goldsboro didn't write the song -- a guy named Bobby Russell did -- but Goldsboro, it's on you today, man. "Honey" is one of those wildly over-the-top emo pop/country story songs that suck people in and down with it, in the same way as when people rubberneck at horrific accidents or watch Dr. Phil. The laughably-sexist lyrics combined with Goldsboro's goat-with-a-seizure-disorder vibrato was and is still enough to send me into rant territory.

Let's get the baseline established. I apologize in advance for forcing you to listen to this.

Bobby Goldsboro, "Honey"

I'm a bottom-line kind of person, so let's just get to the real meaning of the lyrics here.

See the tree, how big it's grown
But friend, it hasn't been too long it wasn't big

I laughed at her and she got mad
The first day that she planted it was just a twig

OK, so right off the bat, we realize that the singer is a giant d-bag, laughing at his wife planting a baby tree. "HAW HAW HAW, you LOSER, that thing ain't never gonna grow, HAW HAW HAW!" And, importantly, anyone you don't know who calls you "friend" is particularly NEVER to be trusted. Think of TV preachers and Nigerian bank officers.

Then the first snow came and she ran
Out to brush the snow away so it wouldn't die
Came runnin' in all excited
Slipped and almost hurt herself, I laughed 'til I cried

It's true that people falling on snow is hilarious, but again, this guy is making fun of his SOULMATE trying to save her tree from dying, then pees himself giggling when she wipes out. I am 100% sure he would have also crapped himself laughing if she'd been gravely injured. Dick!

She was always young at heart
Kinda dumb and kinda smart and I loved her so
I surprised her with a puppy
Kept me up all Christmas Eve two years ago

There's really only one assumption to make here: Honey is working with an IQ of about 45. Or...maybe she's just a WOMAN! That's it! After cruelly mocking her, you can always get in your wife's good graces if you bring home a PUPPY! Those bitches will fall for anything cute that they have to clean up after, like puppies and kittens and babies and d-bags!

And it would sure embarrass her when
I came home from working late 'cause I would know
That she'd been sittin' there cryin'
Over some sad and silly late, late show

Bitches also cry over silly crap, sings Bobby, and you should humiliate them for their stupid emotions whenever you get a chance! Bobby would never cry at a movie, because he's a WORKIN' LATE and HATIN' WOMEN kinda guy!

And honey, I miss you and I'm being good
And I'd love to be with you if only I could

You're being good? What does that mean? Picking up your skid undies off the floor for a change or putting the toilet seat down? What a saint!

She wrecked the car and she was sad
And so afraid that I'd be mad but what the heck
Though I pretended hard to be
Guess you could say, she saw through me and hugged my neck

WOMEN DRIVERS! RIGHT, GUYS? AM I RIGHT? Damn right she shoulda been scared! But hey...women are dumb and emotional and retarded like puppies and little kids so you just gotta laugh and not beat them too badly when they mess up!

I came home unexpectedly
And found her crying needlessly in middle of the day
And it was in the early spring
When flowers bloom and robins sing, she went away

Needlessly? If I were poor Honey and living with YOU, I'd even cry in my sleep. Can we hope Honey finally grabbed the Last Train To Clarksville and started life over as a horticultural scientist?

And honey, I miss you and I'm being good
And I'd love to be with you if only I could

There was probably a game on, huh?

Yes, one day while I wasn't home
While she was there and all alone, the angels came
Now all I have is memories of Honey
And I wake up nights and call her name

Uh-oh. Poor dense Honey has either died martyr-like from an unspoken disease or she couldn't stand being married to such a jerk for one more day and she up and offed herself. Does anyone really think there's any other reason this guy would be calling out her name, WHICH IS PROBABLY NOT EVEN HONEY, than to have her get him a beer in bed? Aw, no more beer in bed for Bobby! Waaah!

Now my life's an empty stage
Where Honey lived and Honey played and love grew up
A small cloud passes overhead
And cries down in the flower bed that Honey loved

Oh. Love grew up, eh, buddy? I hope that cloud delivers a lightning bolt to your head that causes you to become fertilizer for the flowers. Dick!

See the tree, how big it's grown...


43 years later, I feel better now. Ahhhhhh.  RIP, Honey.