I had a dream when I was a child. For years, I hoped that one day, one fine and blessed day, I would become a person of great world renown. People would look to me as a sage, a deeply wise individual with special intellect and insight. They would sit at my feet, gazing up at me with awe and wonder, waiting for precious profundities to waft down from my mouth to their waiting ears, solving every riddle, conflict, and puzzle known to humankind. My every utterance would be recorded in silver Sharpie into a notebook make of pressed diamonds and scented with rare botanic essences. In this generous sacrifice of my natural magnificence, I would serve the world to my highest potential, bringing peace and happiness to billions.

Today, as a Klout-recognized person who is influential about "bacon, Saudi Arabia, Wisconsin, human rights, politics, Seattle, baseball, media, and  Bachmann," I review flavored mint water beverages. The dream lives! (If you don't know what Klout is, you can go to their site or read what I wrote here.) Let me explain.

Because I think it is damn funny that Klout thinks I have influence over anything whatsoever, not to mention bacon, I signed up for an account with them. Lo and behold, a couple weeks ago I received a notice that I had a "Klout Perk," which I could choose to accept or not accept. A sampler of Metromint water? Sure, why not? And look at what arrived, all free and such!

Full-size bottles they were, too. Now, I didn't have to do anything at all with these. I didn't have to go online or anywhere else and say that I liked them or didn't like them...I didn't even have to drink them. I do have to repost this:

"I was given a free product or sample because I'm a Klout influencer. I was under no obligation to receive the sample or talk about this company. I get no additional benefits for talking about the product or company."

But OF COURSE I will write about my mint water! I asked MissEight to sample the six flavors with me, solely because her favorite ice cream flavor is Mint Chocolate Chip. She's too young to be an important bacon influencer like her mom. So here's what we thought of Metromint water:

Orangemint: MissEight: “It’s interesting…it’s good. It’s very good. At first it didn’t taste good, but then if you wait a bit it tastes like orange…and mint. It sure smells like it.” Me: “It kind of tastes like fruity gum. The mint is quite strong, and stays in your throat a bit.”

Peppermint: M8: “It smells good! It tastes like Christmas. It’s pretty refreshing.” Me: “Refreshing, again with a mint-gum feeling. I’m wondering how this would go down after a long run on a hot day.”

Chocolatemint: M8: “It taste like a York patty with a little less mint. It tastes like chocolate gum. It’s the best one so far. It smells so good.” Me: “I agree – best one so far, and best blend of mint and flavoring. The mint seems less overpowering and artificial. Almost like a treat.”

Goodberrymint: M8: “Oh, that’s so good! You have to try this! I mostly taste the raspberry and the blueberry. It smells like berries, too.” Me: “This tastes exactly like a Pixie Stik.”

Lemonmint: M8: “I don’t taste the lemon, I only taste mint.” Me: “Mmm…this has kind of an old-fashioned, summery taste, kind of like sun tea. Lemon and mint are nicely balanced. Most refreshing of the bunch.”

Spearmint: M8: “You’re right. It tastes like gum.” Me: “Yeah.”

Bottom line? I'd try the Chocolatemint and Lemonmint again, best I think for a hot-weather treat. I'd be happier with the product overall with less of a mint flavor. A little goes a long way.

So take this sage and wise review into your collective hearts, Internet. If I somehow become influential about mint, I may burst in refreshing, delicious, and completely unearned pride.