As much as I enjoyed the blockbuster film "The Hangover," it was dead clear to me when I viewed the preview trailer a few months ago that "The Hangover II" was going to be a spectacularly cynical Hollywood sequel hack job, and apparently it is indeed. Most reviews coming in are as unflattering as Nick Schager's here for Slant. I will never understand, especially when you have MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of dollars to spend, why Hollywood time after time must default to the shittiest, cheapest options. They think so little of us, and we repay their disdain by continuing to buy tickets to bad movies.

So, why not just jump on the garbage truck to fame and fortune? I will now show you how to do it. First, spend one minute reading over the plot synopses of "The Hangover" and "The Hangover II."

"The Hangover"

rAjOo ( at imdb.comJust two days before his marriage with Tracy Garner, Doug Billings, in the company of two friends: Phil Wenneck and Stu Price; and Tracy's eccentric brother, Alan, head out to party in Vegas. Driving his father's Mercedez, they rent a pricey villa at Caesar's and head for the rooftop to have a good time. Three of them later wake up with a hangover, unable to re-collect what exactly happened. With the villa in a wreck, they find that they have a baby in the closet; a grown tiger in the bathroom; Stu has a missing tooth and a hooker for a bride; and Doug is missing. Hilarious chaos results as the trio head out to re-trace their steps as well as try to locate Doug and bring him home in one piece before the wedding. 

"The Hangover II"

Warner Bros. Official Synopsis: Comedy. In the follow-up to the record-breaking hit comedy “The Hangover,” Phil (Bradley Cooper), Stu (Ed Helms), Alan (Zach Galifianakis) and Doug (Justin Bartha) travel to exotic Thailand for Stu’s wedding. After the unforgettable bachelor party in Las Vegas, Stu is taking no chances and has opted for a safe, subdued pre-wedding brunch. However, things don’t always go as planned. What happens in Vegas may stay in Vegas, but what happens in Bangkok can’t even be imagined.

Priyanka Kapoor for ApunKaChoice: ...In this part, Stu the dentist, played by Ed Helms, is getting married to a woman from Thailand. Of course his gang -- the street smart guy Phil (played by the sexy Bradley Cooper) and the Man-kid Alan (played by Zach Galifianakis) -- follow him to Thailand. Stu does not want a bachelor party, but one beer on the beach turns their night into a nightmare. The next morning they wake up only to find that they can't recollect anything that happened the previous night. Stu has a tattoo on his face, his brother-in-law goes missing, Alan turns bald and they have a monkey (who smokes cigarettes) in their room! Unquestionably, now they try and solve the puzzle by joining all the pieces they have! 

Now you have seen everything you need to write up your pitch for "The Hangover III." Here's my example, leaving a few options in so the producers can justify their lives.

"The Hangover III" (proposed plot) 

MarianneSp for PopthomologyThe four buddies (Regular Guy, Hot Guy, Straight Man, Funny Man) travel to exotic (Siberia, the Vatican, the Moon) for (Funny Man’s wedding to Regular Girl). After the unforgettable bachelor party in (Las Vegas, Thailand), (Funny Man) decides to hold his (pre-wedding male event) at (a yurt, the Pope’s swimming pool, sunny side of the moon). However, things don’t go as planned. The four buddies ingest (a mind-altering substance, spoiled food, rubbing alcohol) and then (trash everything, have sex with everything, procure animals), not remembering the details afterward. (Straight Man) (is missing a limb, has unknowingly received DD breast implants, has a comical family of gerbils up his rear). (Marginal Innocent Cast Member) is missing, and the four buddies scour their location to find him or her. (Animal, Infant, Dwarf) joins the buddies in their quest and comically (poops, pees, vomits) at inopportune moments. (Regular Girl) is kept in the dark about everything in the entire movie and appears (once, twice, three). (Hot Guy) is shirtless at least 20% of the time. The four buddies make jokes about (angry fiancĂ©es, penises, Straight Man). (The Mafia, a gay Asian gangster, Neil Armstrong) threatens the four buddies over a misunderstanding. Pressure mounts, and the four buddies (sweat, get beat up, swear). Finally, the missing (Marginal Innocent Cast Member) is located,  the (Animal, Infant, Dwarf) is returned to a proper location, the four buddies rush to (Funny Guy and Regular Girl’s) wedding, and (fake penises, fake DD breast implants, fake gerbils) are shown over the ending credits. The four buddies take home massive paychecks, which go a long way to soothe lingering lame-film embarrassment.

See? Easy as pie! Rent your tux or gown for the Golden Globes now!