Oh, go ahead. Call me a snob. I don't care. Call me an elitist. I don't care. Call me over-sensitive and intolerant. I just don't care. I can't make myself watch the Grammys telecast, and haven't since I was a teenager. Why? Because I can tell you how it's going to go, without having any idea who the presenters, nominees, or musical performers will be in any given year.


1. Cheesy staging
2. Lots of very awkward bits and jokes
3. A winner will swear, streak, or make a completely inappropriate political statement at the podium
4. Lots of really shitty, forgettable pop music will be lauded, with marginal-at-best perfomances
5. Some awesome people will get awards, but they won't be deemed important or popular enough for the live telecast
6. The audience will be filled with lots of sour-faced, overdressed scene-makers, geeky entertainment critics, and porn actresses
7. A winner will thank God for winning a music award
8. A "legendary" musician or group will make a "very special appearance" and sound just terrible
9. There will be a hideous duet featuring two performers who have nothing at all in common other than they are alive
10. Ugly old-style music biz politics and soul-selling on sorry view the entire time

I do believe the last straw for me was in 1981, when Christopher Cross won Record of the Year for "Sailing." I ask you: would not a BALL OF DRYER LINT RUBBED BETWEEN MY PALMS SOUND MORE EXCITING??? COME ON!!!!!! RECORD OF THE YEAR??????? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Call me what you will, I saw enough of the Grammys to know how it goes. I like music too much to watch.

You can also call me a hypocrite, because I would have watched every second of it if CouchTeen had won those contest Grammy tickets.