It is holiday catalog deluge season. People Want Us To Buy Things To Save The Crap Economy. Well, OK, I will, but sometimes the Free Market asks too much of me. Recently, I received a catalog from "Bits and Pieces," which apparently refers to the fact that their offerings to the public are made up of the most crappy crap you could find on a pirate-laden container ship from an foreign country where their design/production labor-bot-humans have been raised in solitary holes in the ground and fed only expired sweets laden with rat-cancer-causing saccharine.

Do not buy me these. I mean it. DON'T DO IT.

1. The Wooden Dragon Puzzle. I am fairly sure that I could never rebuild this, and if I did, some kind of activation signal would go out and I would be sold into a Chinese sex-slave supermarket.

2. The Meowing/Barking Coffee Mugs. There's nothing more I could wish for, in my sleepy confusion of the morning as I am fumbling to achieve consciousness with caffeine, than to be assaulted with the computer-chip-captured sounds of adorable kitties and doggies EVERY SINGLE TIME I RAISE THE DAMN CUP.

3. The Talking Toilet Paper Roller: On a related note to #2, I also feel so lonely in the bathroom that the comfort of a comical poop-wiper-holder would really enhance my daily adventures in peristalsis.

4. The Monkey Stomach Clock With The Ticking Tail: Why.

5. The Vibrant Horse Light: I'm not sure how you would explain this to anyone visiting your home, other than you were a huge fan of LSD or Hell.

6. The Pug In A Mug Ornament: This is so overwhelmingly sweet it could be used in hospital emergency rooms across the country as an emetic agent.

7. Money Soap: Inside this bar of soap, there resides a real rolled-up piece of American currency; you don't know if it's a $1, $5, $10, $20, or $50 until you maniacally scrub yourself clean with filthy lucre or just smash the hell out of it with a hammer on Christmas morn so you can buy crack.

Sayin'. DON'T DO IT!