1. Don’t type while eating a peanut butter sandwich. Excuse me a moment.
  2. OK. Where were we?
  3. How To Have a Smart Baby: Be smart yourself, breed with another smart person, and don’t talk to your baby like it’s a neurotic dense Chihuahua in a diaper.
  4. How To Drive Any Kind Of Vehicle: Don’t make any sudden moves, unless you might die if you don’t; pay attention.
  5. How To Have A Beautiful Garden: Hire a gardener.
  6. How To Look Good In A Swimsuit For Women: Buy something that doesn’t make your fat push out around the spandex, or hang so loosely it looks like a sad condom. Look for breast support, containment, and enhancement. Don’t wear a bikini unless perfect.
  7. How To Look Good In A Swimsuit For Men: Not too short and tight because no one needs to know, not too long and baggy because you look like Beach Gangsta. Avoid gut spillage over the waistband and ass-crack looseness.
  8. How To Stop A Case Of The Giggles At A Funeral: Quietly step over to a candle in the church and burn your hand with it until nothing is funny anymore.
  9. How To Stop Squirrels From Stealing All The Food From Your Birdfeeder: Shoot them.
  10. What To Wear To A Party Where You Know No One: An “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt.
  11. How To Buy A Car: Go to a U.S. Mint and look at what $40,000 really looks like. Then go to the dealership with the bottom-line figure you want to pay. Sit in the dealership office and text, file your nails, and fart until the manager essentially pays you to take the car and get out.
  12. How To Put Absolutely Everything In Perspective: Accept that all people, including you, are just a bunch of meatbags with thoughts. When the meatbag is used up, the thoughts stop. More meatbags with thoughts are born, more decay. Try to be a happy meatbag while you are cognizant of being a meatbag.
  13. Keep In Mind: If you own an airhorn or a gun, you are going to be compelled to use them at some point.
  14. The Vast Power Of The Smile: Can make people love you, or chill them to the bone. Or both.
  15. How Not To Clean The House: Sit and write for your blog.