HORRIBLE THINGS FROM WARDS & SEARS 1979/1980

I'm never going to forgive the 1970s for making me live a fully-cognizant life through them. What a lousy-looking and horrible-sounding decade. If you weren't around then, let me give you a little taste of what your average American was buying at the end of the decade via my old Montgomery Wards and Sears catalogs. If you were there, sit here and cry with me. Oy.

THE HOME

Of course, the main color schemes of the '70s were rotted orange, avocado green, harvest gold, crap brown, and deadly-dull beige. All of these home furnishing to me look like they belong in a serial killer's mountain cabin, where something just doesn't smell right.


































You have your choices in decorating. For the bathroom, a lovely brown moth motif...






































"Shag carpeting 'n the look of stained glass..."






































Or the whole pee/poop colors thing, as you Calgon-take-me-away in the bathtub thinking, apparently, about toilet seats.











































In the bedroom, an "authentic" British Military theme, which seems to include a furry animal print bedspread, or go full-on GROOVY with your plush bed with a STEREO 8-TRACK PLAYER BUILT IN!!!




























You can't forget the wall decor. Nothing says class like a stock photo wall clock.







































Truthfully, upon first glance I thought this wall rug said "The Lord Is My Shithead." Sorry, man.





















"Ring Ring! Ring Ring! It's an ugly damn phone calling!"







































This makes me want to throw up. Cutesy mushrooms are just gross.

























HEALTH, FITNESS, & SPORTS

"One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn't belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?
"































This is the creepiest pool ever.

























This is the worst treadmill ever. I suggest to you that it would not stay together for three minutes.








































Speaking of rickety crap, I'd keep Chubs off the rings there, kiddies.

































"Kill instantly." That period at the end of that sentence means business.












No, this doesn't look disturbing. No, not at all. Just your average, everyday jolly hunter there, right?


























KIDS & FAMILY

The Portable Baby Coffin is so helpful.






























It's entirely possible that you work right next to this guy, now all grown-up and no longer a child bedwetter model. Ask!




































Lesley, you dumbass, why do you have a backbox instead of a backpack?







































Nothing would make Mom happier on her special day than receiving a gold-tone charm bracelet with the devil's horns hand sign.


I can't think of a much sadder event than Family Game Night with a knock-off Simon.



































These two little bastards got the real Simon. Nice hair, Plaid One and Plaid Two.







































TECHNOLOGICAL WONDERS!

Make your life easier with a PERSONAL COMPUTER! MADE OF STRUCTURAL FOAM!































If you really want to be high-falutin' and put Plaid One and Plaid Two in their snotty little places, upgrade to this sweet Atari:






























Look at these awesome guitars. I bet Jack White would pay through the nose for one of these babies now.







































8-TRACK AND CASSETTE??? WHOA! And available in "Mediterranean-style credenza-type?" WHOA WHOA!

























We don't want Dad to be left out. Give him this awesome new car computer so he can be futzing around with it while he's driving and plow into a tree.

































Betavision! Only NINE HUNDRED EIGHTY-FIVE DOLLARS!!!!!

























And finally...with no further commentary needed...

THE MEN OF SEARS... IN SHORTS