The American Dream has changed from working hard to get what you want to not having to work at all for what you want.

You might not ever understand how lucky you are to be able to think about “dreams.”

Whether you like it or not, your life will be mostly spent applying for credit, paying off debt, eating, staring at other people’s work, and sleeping.

All your pets will die, and you will say you will never get another one, and then you will.

You will sleep for years on bad pillows, and then wonder why you didn’t just buy new pillows.

Sometime, you will eat one of your favorite foods and decide you don’t really like it anymore.

You will live beyond your means, beneath your ability, like you’re above it all, or behind the freeway.

You will develop a fear of sharks or food-borne illness.

People are basically good, and also inherently corrupt.

It’s never gonna be enough.

There will be no more paper newspapers soon. Many will lament, and then go back to reading their news on the internet, or playing online poker in lieu of news.

You will stop listening to any new music at all, and wonder why it all got so bad. Damn kids.

You will obsess about terrorism while the tire shop overcharges you by $254.87.

Your mother and sister will move in with you and your family, and never leave.

You’ll go up a half size in shoes, and it will always bug you.

You will make a complete idiot of yourself in Las Vegas, then do it again the day after, and the day after that, and proclaim it an “awesome weekend.”

You will want to do something, and you won’t.

You’ll do something nice, and no one will know.

You’ll do something terrible, and everyone will find out.

You’ll eat bad shellfish and call it the flu.

Your house smells worse than you think it does. So do you.

You’ll wonder how you ever missed the boat, or the bus, or the train.

You’ll pay for the privilege to donate to an unworthy cause.

At some point, all the clothes in your closet will be the same color.

You may actually forget how to ride a bicycle.

If they tax you to death, it makes a double certainty, and a quirky demise.

You will think you can’t, but you probably could, but want more to avoid fame or jail or both.

You’d look stupid in a sports car.

One will get away.

You won’t ever buy a whole pineapple or coconut, and that realization will be the last thought you have before you die and you will go, well, that was random, huh.