A FEW PHILOSOPHICAL REFLECTIONS FROM MY MOM ON HER 86TH BIRTHDAY

My mom is 86 years old today! I asked her for a few reflections on the day.

How lucky can you be? I can follow my interests. I can see, so I can read. I can walk and get around and do things by myself! 

As much as this big house is a burden and not appropriate for someone my age, it's like I live in a park, with beautiful pines and oaks. I made chicken soup the other day, and threw the extra stuff out into the side yard and watchied a little red squirrel bring some chicken skin to his mother, avoiding nasty crows and bluejays. I have my new little herd of 15 wild turkeys that come by! There's deer and herons!

My birthday is full of gifts and I am always remembered my children  I don’t dare mention anything I like, because poof! There's an Amazon box! I'm going to get to use my favorite tool in the world, the box cutter!

You learn not to sweat the small stuff at my age. You don’t linger on small mistakes or get embarrassed. People are more forgiving when you are older because they say, "Oh, she's old," which is great! It isn’t all bad, it isn't all rust. 

I look at the lottery winners and wonder, "Well, do you have the whole package?" Do you have people in your life that like you, that love you, that are there for you when you need a helping hand? We are surrounded by images of bad crummy stuff, but then a perfect stranger comes  along and does something nice like gives you a seat. It doesn’t have to be a big thing. I don’t know very many people luckier than I am.

I don't know many people luckier than I am. Happy birthday, Mom. 

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I'VE ASKED FOR THIS FOR 50 YEARS FOR CHRISTMAS, & I WILL ASK FOR ANOTHER 50

I exaggerate only slightly in my title here -- I would guess that the real number of years I've wanted this is more like 47 or so BUT IF I COULD'VE ASKED EARLIER, I would have! This is the coolest thing EVER. That is what I think. It makes my brain go all sparky and drooly, and fills my face with grins. I would play with it all day every day if I owned it, which is one of the reasons that I think I have never received this as a gift -- you'd never get me away from it. I've also never received it as a gift because it's difficult to find and very heavy and painfully expensive, like if I asked for an Indian Elephant or something, and also like an elephant you have to maintain it and feed it stuff.

I have come to truly accept that the chances I will ever be surprised on Christmas Morn with this item are about zilch. It's one of those things you where you really must have scads of disposable income, a financial condition I am not burdened with. But will I ever remove it from my Wish List? NO! You never know, maybe someday I will look outside my window on December 25th and see an Indian Elephant with this strapped to its mighty back with several fine-looking strong men to lift it from the beast and install it into my home. I can see it in my mind right now. Yes. Ahhh.

WHAT IS IT, YOU ASK?

The 1962 AMI Continental 2 Jukebox!

Sigh. Love.

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THREE HOLIDAY-THEMED CONVERSATIONS FROM THE DISCOUNT STORE TODAY

It's less than three weeks until Christmas, and as usual despite all my efforts, OF COURSE I AM BEHIND in getting all the shopping done. For instance, I realized that HOURS OF MY DAY was taken up by trying to find the best EGG COOKER. How does this happen? There's hardly any damn difference between them! They are plastic and metal and they COOK EGGS! AIEEE!

Letting that go unfinished, I decided to pop into one of the local discount stores after I dropped Mr14 off at martial arts tonight to see if I could find some small gift items. It was a prettay, prettay sad selection of stuff -- not good enough to buy as actual presents, not bad enough to buy as joke presents. Everything looked tired and bland, and everyone in the store looked tired and bland. Awful pop-country Christmas songs played over the PA, and I started to feel as woebegone as the overburdened ass that good ol' 'bout-to-pop Mother Mary rode into the smelly, cold, dark stable. Fortunately, my fellow fail-shoppers were funny. I have stolen their overheard words for you.

HOLIDAY CONVERSATION #1

Sweet Elder Lady 1: (holding up a tiny baby onesie with a Santa on it) Oh, I should get this for my grandbaby! I think it's the right size?

Sweet Elder Lady 2: (nodding) Oh ya, you can't have enough onesies for them. They piss through everything.

HOLIDAY CONVERSATION #2

Clerk 1: (referring to Clerk 3) Where is she? Did she go home?

Clerk 2: No, she's still in the back. She's been sick all day!

Clerk 1: Well, Jesus on a plate, tell her to go home already! I ain't happy about it, but I'm here anyway, whatever, right!

(Clerk 3 comes out bundled like she is going to Siberia. She looks the tiredest and blandest of us all.)

Clerk 1: Go home, rest up! You can figure out your schedule for Sunday when you get home.

Clerk 3: (whispering into her scarf, unheard by Clerks 1 or 2) Shit.

HOLIDAY CONVERSATION #3

Wife: (to husband, slightly peeved) Did you look in the toy aisle for ducks?

Husband: (sheepishly) Yeah...there were a couple...I dunno, I didn't like 'em that much.

Wife: (more peeved) It doesn't MATTER if YOU like them! SHE likes ducks! We need ducks!

Husband: (joining in on peeved) She has so many already! We don't have room!

Wife: (raising her voice) She will CRY! You want crying on Christmas?? GET A DUCK!

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I MADE YOU EVEN MORE CHRISTMAS CARDS THIS YEAR

 

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MY FAVORITE SHOP AT SEATTLE'S URBAN CRAFT UPRISING WINTER 2012 SHOW WAS...

...for the second year in a row, the fabulously irrepressible, uniquely irreverent, and utterly affordable Shower Art! Seattle's Rosalie and Doug Gale have taken a simple idea -- small waterproof collage art pieces backed with suction cups that can be placed in the shower, on a bathroom mirror, etc. -- and infused it with a divine glittery weirdness that delights. Each piece is handmade, and FUNNY.

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VIDEO: "NO NO NO NOBODY BUT ME" BY THE HUMAN BEINZ (FEATURING NO NO NO CAT)

This is one of the sillier things I've done, and that says a LOT. It is a video mash-up of the great 1968 garage soul song "Nobody But Me" by the Human Beinz (from the Isley Brothers' 1963 original), assisted by a very very very very very very very freaked out Russian cat that I think is trying to puke up the world's biggest hairball. Please to enjoy!

The Human Beinz (Featuring No No No Cat), "No No No Nobody But Me"

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I MADE YOU CHRISTMAS CARDS THIS YEAR, TOO

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VIDEO: FIVE MINUTES OF DRUNKEN GUITARISTS + "DOG"

Quite simply, for your viewing pleasure this evening and for ALL TIME thereafter, I have made this nice little compilation from videos featuring self-identified drunken guitarists. I felt the addition of the "DOG" video meme was appropriate. This is not totally safe for work, but you should be working at work anyway, not watching this. HA HA, just kidding! Please to enjoy!

Five Minutes of Drunken Guitarists + "DOG"


("Drunk Guitarist," art by Erika Johnston, 2009)

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FUN WITH GOOGLE TRANSLATE: THE MUSIC REVIEW RE-TRANSLATED!

It is shamefully true that we Americans are well-known throughout the world for our general lack of fluency in languages other than English (and our English skills are pretty dubious, too, but that's another subject). Considering that we are hampered so in communicating, how wonderful it is that we have access to the interhaps, where we can find many free language translation sites. Just cut n' paste the text you need to understand or translate to another, and BINGO, it is done! You never need to make another call to your cranky Aunt Elbar from Yugovania to tell you how to say, "No, I cannot accept your thoughtful gift of a goat and one hundred pounds of manure, but thank you," to your Cousin Rehep.

Yet, the online language translation services are imperfect, and it may be the most prudent idea not to rely upon them for any translation that has any important use. Let us then perform a skill test on Google Translate, with a few sentences from an album review I did earlier in the year, "Track-By-Track: 'Everybody's Got It Easy But Me' by the Intelligence (2012)." I will show you a sentence composed in the English language that I use in composing all my thoughts, translate it into another language, and then take that and translate it back into English. I cannot WAIT!

"It's a great listen all the way through, catchy as hell, with a delicious undercurrent throughout of early-'60s California surf sweetness."

Google Translate Spanish: "Es un gran escuchar todo el camino a través de, pegadizo como el infierno, con un trasfondo en todo delicioso principios de los años 60 la dulzura de surf California."

GT Spanish-to-English: "It's a great listen all the way through, catchy as hell, with a background in all delicious early '60s California surf sweetness."

Hmm. Not bad! Shall we try more?

Arabic: "انها رائعة الاستماع على طول الطريق من خلال، جذاب كما الجحيم، بنكهة لذيذة في جميع أنحاء المبكر '60s حلاوة تصفح كاليفورنيا. "

Arabic-to-English: "It's great to hear all the way through, catchy as hell, delicious flavor throughout the early '60s sweetness browse California."

Slightly more strange, but still generally intact. More?

Russian: "Это большой слушать весь путь до конца, броские, как ад, с вкусной подводное течение ранних 60-х сладости серфинга Калифорнии".

Russian-to-English: "This is a great listen all the way through, catchy as hell, with a delicious undercurrent of early '60s California surf sweets."

I'm impressed that "catchy as hell" is working each time. I wonder what a "surf sweet" might be.

Chinese: “這是一個偉大的聽，一路過關斬將，琅琅上口的地獄，品嚐美味的暗流在整個60年代早期的加州衝浪甜頭。”

Chinese-To- English: "This is a great listen all the way through, catchy Hell taste delicious undercurrent throughout the early 1960s California surf sweetness."

I spoke too soon! 

Haitian Creole: "Li se yon gwo koute tout wout la nan, Hatian kòm lanfè, ak yon kouran enferyè bon gou nan tout nan bonè-'60s dous navige California."

Haitian Creole-to-English: "It is a great listen all the way through, alluring as hell, and a delicious undercurrent in all the early-'60s California surf sweet."

Ooh...alluring.

Hindi: "यह एक के माध्यम से महान सभी तरह सुनो, नरक के रूप में आकर्षक, जल्दी '60 के दशक कैलिफोर्निया सर्फ मिठास भर एक स्वादिष्ट अदेखा के साथ है."

Hindi-to-English: "This is a great all the way through, listen charming as hell, a delicious undercurrent throughout the early '60s California surf with sweetness."

I'm cocking my head a little.

Czech: "Je to skvělá poslouchat celou cestu, chytlavý jako peklo, s lahodnou podtext celé z počátku 60. let, surfovat po Kalifornii sladkosti."

Czech-to-English: "It's a great listen all the way, catchy as hell, with a delicious subtext throughout the early '60s, after California surf sweets."

Sort of more intellectual, and food-oriented.

And finally, I had a feeling this would be the best one, and I was correct.

Japanese: "これは初期の60年代カリフォルニアサーフ甘さの全体おいしい底流と、地獄のようにキャッチーを介してすべての道を聞くのは素晴らしいことだ。"。

Japanese-To-English: "This is delicious and the whole undercurrent of sweetness early '60s California surf, listening all the way through the catchy as hell would be great."

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