HORRIBLE THINGS FROM WARDS & SEARS 1979/1980

I'm never going to forgive the 1970s for making me live a fully-cognizant life through them. What a lousy-looking and horrible-sounding decade. If you weren't around then, let me give you a little taste of what your average American was buying at the end of the decade via my old Montgomery Wards and Sears catalogs. If you were there, sit here and cry with me. Oy.

THE HOME

Of course, the main color schemes of the '70s were rotted orange, avocado green, harvest gold, crap brown, and deadly-dull beige. All of these home furnishing to me look like they belong in a serial killer's mountain cabin, where something just doesn't smell right.

You have your choices in decorating. For the bathroom, a lovely brown moth motif...

"Shag carpeting 'n the look of stained glass..."

Or the whole pee/poop colors thing, as you Calgon-take-me-away in the bathtub thinking, apparently, about toilet seats.

In the bedroom, an "authentic" British Military theme, which seems to include a furry animal print bedspread, or go full-on GROOVY with your plush bed with a STEREO 8-TRACK PLAYER BUILT IN!!!

You can't forget the wall decor. Nothing says class like a stock photo wall clock.

Truthfully, upon first glance I thought this wall rug said "The Lord Is My Shithead." Sorry, man.

"Ring Ring! Ring Ring! It's an ugly damn phone calling!"

This makes me want to throw up. Cutesy mushrooms are just gross.

HEALTH, FITNESS, & SPORTS

"One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn't belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?"

This is the creepiest pool ever.

This is the worst treadmill ever. I suggest to you that it would not stay together for three minutes.

Speaking of rickety crap, I'd keep Chubs off the rings there, kiddies.

"Kill instantly." That period at the end of that sentence means business.

No, this doesn't look disturbing. No, not at all. Just your average, everyday jolly hunter there, right?

KIDS & FAMILY

The Portable Baby Coffin is so helpful.

It's entirely possible that you work right next to this guy, now all grown-up and no longer a child bedwetter model. Ask!

Lesley, you dumbass, why do you have a backbox instead of a backpack?

Nothing would make Mom happier on her special day than receiving a gold-tone charm bracelet with the devil's horns hand sign.

I can't think of a much sadder event than Family Game Night with a knock-off Simon.

These two little bastards got the real Simon. Nice hair, Plaid One and Plaid Two.

TECHNOLOGICAL WONDERS!

Make your life easier with a PERSONAL COMPUTER! MADE OF STRUCTURAL FOAM!

If you really want to be high-falutin' and put Plaid One and Plaid Two in their snotty little places, upgrade to this sweet Atari:

Look at these awesome guitars. I bet Jack White would pay through the nose for one of these babies now.

8-TRACK AND CASSETTE??? WHOA! And available in "Mediterranean-style credenza-type?" WHOA WHOA!

We don't want Dad to be left out. Give him this awesome new car computer so he can be futzing around with it while he's driving and plow into a tree.

Betavision! Only NINE HUNDRED EIGHTY-FIVE DOLLARS!!!!!

And finally...with no further commentary needed...

THE MEN OF SEARS... IN SHORTS

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NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA...BATLAW!

According to the ABA Journal, legendary crimefighter Bruce Wayne, otherwise known as Batman, may be a graduate of Yale Law:

Was Batman a Yale Law grad as well as a world-renowned crime fighter?
Perhaps. In 1974, the caped crusader was displaying a law diploma granted by “Yale University at Gotham,” according to the Yale Law Library Rare Books Blog.
The diploma appears on a wall of Bruce Wayne’s study on page 16 of Detective Comics no. 439 from March 1974. The comic is on display as part of a law library exhibit at the school called “Superheroes in Court: Lawyers, Law and Comic Books.”

Once again, with a little intrepid research, we can find the answer.

Clue #1: Here's Batman in 1966 outside the Supreme Court with Princeton lawyer John Doar and Justice Thurgood Marshall. Ivy Leaguers stick together, you know.

Clue #2: A few years later, we find Batman with Yale lawyer Catherine Roraback and members of the Bat Panther Party.

Clue #3: Finally, Wayne relaxing at Stately Wayne Manor, clearly holding a Yale Law diploma and sporting a matching ascot/pocket handkerchief with the Yale Law Shield:

A close-up of the Yale Law Shield:

(If you as the Great Unwashed were unaware of the significance of the icons on the shield, that's the Izod alligator, official Yale Law mascot Alastair the Disdainful Well-Bred Greyhound, and metal croquet hoops.)

Batman's a Yalie, eh? Holy Clarence Thomas!

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YOU'RE A GOOD FAN, CHARLIE BROWN

The "Peanuts" comic strip and its cast of wonderful neurotic characters is now 60 years old. Creator Charles Schulz has been gone now for ten years, but Charlie Brown and his anti-pals are still beloved and enjoyed around the world, and I suspect they shall be far past my own passing too.

It crossed my mind -- you never heard too much about what happened to the Peanuts gang as they got older. I was especially interested in the musical lives and interests of the characters, because I would be. In a remarkable coincidence, just today these photographs were unearthed, giving us rare insight into the amazing experiences of some of the group. Rolling Stone has nothing on me.

For instance, did you know that Snoopy was known as "The Fifth Ramone?" Well, OK, maybe there were other Fifth Ramones, sure, but none who played sax.

Schroeder signed on as a second pianist for Rufus Wainwright.

Linus was a natural to produce smart Christian indie artist Sufjan Stevens' Christmas set.

Also, did you know that Tegan and Sara were once Tegan and Sara and P. Patty? Patty left after a year to work as a lighting rigger for the Lilith Fair.

Charlie Brown and Marcie bonded over the music of Morrissey, both of them being intelligent, philosophical, and endlessly emo.

And, if you look reeeeeeeeally closely at the end of 'Til Tuesday's "Voices Carry" video, well...

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VIDEO: 24 ENGLISH ACCENTS

Another well-deserved viral video from a kid who has a superb ear for accents, and swears. Give this guy a job, Hollywood-or-someshit! (Although, no one in the U.S. uses the phrase "take the piss," just sayin'.)

Americans, take particular note: what with the recent government travel warnings for y'all in Europe, you may wish to practice along here as to help avoid frowns and explosions. I'm trying on the obscure-yet-frilly Welsh, because I am pretty sure al-Qaeda ain't gonna bother with Wales, right?

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TODDLER CRUSHES ON BETTY WHITE; WORLD SMILES

This video has been making the viral rounds, but I thought I would post it up in case you haven't seen it because this little guy is so damn adorable I'm plotzing.

I'd like to state that I would adopt him right this second, no questions asked, and that I would push Betty White down to do it, too. Sorry, lady.

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SPORTS BAR

This afternoon, I decided to do something I had never done before, solely for the purpose of doing something I had never done before: I went to a sports bar to watch a college football game. Now, if you read this site at all, you might have a pretty good idea that I am not really a sports kind of girl. I like to DO rather than WATCH if at all possible. I would much rather play a ragtag lame game of football in some empty field than watch the pros duke it out. Or used to; it's been an extremely long time since I've done that, and I now would probably throw my back out, break my glasses, and get sued within the 1st quarter. Despite all that, I really like people who are enthusiastic about stuff, and figured that anyone motivated to go to a bar in Seattle on a nice sunny day to watch a University of Colorado team play a University of Georgia team play is a bit nutty, so all good by me.

So I found myself at Sully's in the Queen Anne section of Seattle with other CU grads ('95 here), and settled in with a nice Oktoberfest bier and some noms, and watched the boys smash each other around and run back and forth.

A Georgia player made a spectacular leaping one-handed catch and a tiny CU player called Speedy gave hope to all short people like me. There were swears and cheers and fight songs from the assembled, and the Sully's folks were smiling right along and were attentive and very friendly. Everyone bonded.

It was a pretty close game the entire way through, and by the 4th quarter most everyone in the bar was standing, too nervous and pumped up to sit down. I cheered and yelled along, since I'm skilled in cheering and yelling from all my concert-going. Strangers gave me high-fives.

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!!

So...who won? Here's some video from the end of the 4th quarter.



Yessir...Georgia 27 -- Colorado 29.

It was fun, and kind of nice to see all these folks rootin' for their team. It was a good vibe. I don't think that I will end up painting my face black-and-gold or shaving the letters "C U" into my hair or buying a buffalo for the backyard, but it was fun. "See you next game!" one of the Buff fans called out to me, as he left to go over to the Paramount to see the Black Keys. I cursed my hesitation in getting tickets for that, got an apple tart and a latte instead, and went home.

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RADIO DAYS

I love my SIRIUS car radio.

(The Smashing Pumpkins “Today” is playing.)

MissEight: Do you like the Smashing Pumpkins?

Me: No.

MissEight: (after a moment) Please turn them off now.

(I turn the channel. “I’m Your Puppet” by Bobby and James Purify is on, but the dash display only reads,  “Bobby and James Pu--.”)

MissEight: BOBBY AND JAMES POO???

(We dissolve in uncontrolled waves of giggles.)

Me: “I’m Your POO-PET!”

(Another wave of loud snorts and giggles.)

(“TAOS” by Menomena comes on.)

MissEight: Do you like this band?

Me: Yes. Do you like this song?

MissEight: I don’t know. I’m busy playing with this piece of paper.


Mr12: (disdainfully) You don't need your ears to do that.

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