It occurred to me today: I would really like to see David Bowie fix a leaky kitchen sink. Now, I cannot say why this thought came to me, other than that random amusing stuff pops into my head every few seconds, but it caught me for awhile and I began to imagine exactly what this would look like, and whether or not I thought it was preposterous. Should it be? David Bowie strikes me as a very intelligent and capable man, and from everything I have read or heard anecdotally, he is not a giant diva or a jerk, has a good sense of humor and can chat it up with the regular folk. But does that translate into plumbing ability and/or desire to plumb? I am just not sure. I would definitely watch a television show devoted to answering this question.

The look into the daily lives of celebrities has long been a subject of fascination, and has for the most part been played out to its end, it seems. When you are mining people as useless, crass, and chunky as the Kardashians, there seems little left of the genre. None of them could or ever would fix a sink. It is possible that none knows how to turn a faucet on and off; the simple twisting motion might actually overload the Kardashian brains to such a degree that their asses would explode. I feel like Paul McCartney could and would fix a faucet; he lived on a farm for many years and although I am quite sure he had help there, living in a remote Scottish pasture would have to make you more handy by default. I wonder if there is such a thing as vegan haggis. Hmm.

I think Beyonce could fix a sink, but would try not to. I think P. Diddy could, but would panic and just stuff a pile of Sean John t-shirts around it as a stop-gap while calling Timbaland for advice. Little David Archuleta would give it go, mainly I think because he would be afraid his dad would be mad if he didn’t. Joan Rivers would as soon drown in a sea of kitchen sink filth water as try to fix it, and Perez Hilton would join her in a last-minute attempt to escape by making a raft out of Botox syringes lashed together with the stolen collagen of young Nicaraguan virgins. I think Ryan Seacrest would surprise us all and fix the leak, but Simon Cowell would just try to sneer it into submission. Catch a ride with Joan and Perez, buddy.

It still comes down to the question, now eternal for me: COULD and WOULD David Bowie fix a leaky kitchen sink, all by himself, no one else? I love the vision of him rolling up his fashionable sleeves, getting out an immaculate and stylish set of precision German tools, sussing up the situation, and getting right down to it, spray and spew and all. David, if you want to go halfsies with me on this for a show pitch, call me. I’ll just be here mucking around on the island.