D-BAG OF THE DAY: SIRIUS XM DJ TERRY "MOTORMOUTH" YOUNG

I've written many times here about how important AM radio was to me as a kid growing up in the 1960s, how fun it was, how magical it seemed to be able to listen to all that amazing pop music and the cool DJs from near and far. My radio was my favorite toy, my constant companion, my closest friend. The DJs of the time, the men of the rapid-fire slang-swingin' platter patter, made everything seem so exciting. It was a huge loss to me when radio changed to formulaic bland AOR rock, and the personalities of the radio were drowned in robo-DJs and dull and/or creepy radio talk show pundits.

How grateful I have been for SIRIUS XM radio! I've been a subscriber since 2005 to the satellite radio service, and for a modest fee have access to so much great radio programming. As important as hearing music I love, SIRIUS XM has worked very hard to hire top-of-the-line DJs and personalities, and this really adds to the listening experience for me. I want to hear what they have to say. But as I was heading out today to pick up my son from school, one of those DJs lost me for good.

The "Douchebag of the Day" Award goes to "'60s On 6" SIRIUS XM DJ Terry "Motormouth" Young. At somewhere between 3:05PM and 3:15PM PST today, Young was in the middle of some song lead-in and started talking about the band Heart. In the midst of it all he mentioned that the band had two sisters in it, and then said,

"...which one was the fat one?"

I was instantly taken aback at the crude reference to vocalist Ann Wilson's long public struggle with obesity. What the hell? What a nasty, needless thing to throw in there on a radio channel that is upbeat and family-oriented -- '60s On 6 is not a haven for shock jocks to say the least. It's meant to be a throwback to the old AM radio days, and my kids can enjoy it while we are driving around in the car without having to navigate more adult-oriented language and humor that just isn't what they need to hear at this point in their lives.

This isn't the first time I've heard Mr. Young refer to women in demeaning, belittling terms. A red flag went up each time, and I figured, well, he's some old dude who must've gone through a bitter divorce and thinks he's being funny. But enough already. His comment about Ms. Wilson is pathetic and ugly. Am I a humor prude? HARDLY. Am I a huge fan of Heart? No, not really. Am I a fat-acceptance activist or a BBW fan? Nope; I believe that there is nothing to celebrate about being overweight, as it leads to all kinds of serious health complications. But there is no excuse for bullying or shaming anyone who is overweight. Mr Young revealed himself to be what I have suspected for quite some time: a thoughtless diarrheal buffoon. One hopes that senile dementia or substance abuse hasn't caused him to lose the social filters he should have as a representative of SIRIUS XM.

His stupid words were over in probably less than a second, but they were heard. I won't be tuning into his show again.

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VIDEO: "LA BREA TAR PITS" BY THE INTELLIGENCE

The La Brea Tar Pits, located in the heart of the bustling concrete jungle of Los Angeles is one of the fascinating and horrifying natural wonders that reminds us of the prehistoric power and black humor of our planet. Where else can you eat a $20 burger, wave at a limo containing a coked-out former child star, and then visit a methane-burping oily deathtrap? All the metaphors contained in this experience OVERWHELM ME. You can see a more-detailed account of my own experiences there when my family paid a visit to the Page Museum a few years ago right HERE.

Lars Finberg of the Intelligence wrote this song about his experiences at the Pits and/or Life and I made a lil' video for it. Miss Ten's comments on it were "What's up with the guitar??" and "Owls are creepy!" so I feel like this entire effort is a total WIN. You may find "La Brea Tar Pits" contained on the Intelligence's 2009 album "Crepuscule With Pacman" and may purchase it at Born Bad, iTunes, or ggnzla.

If you dress in a tuxedo and waltz into your local record store and try to pronounce the word "crepuscule," with a bird under your arm, I will send you a dollar and my endless admiration.

The Intelligence, "La Brea Tar Pits"

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FIFTEEN OF MY FAVORITE SONGS ABOUT TELEPHONES

As human beings, we live to communicate with our fellow jackholes, therefore the invention of the telephone was a truly wondrous thing. Imagine! Being able to hear a loved one's voice bitch at you from down the road or across oceans -- WILD! This then issued in whole new topics for songwriters to explore: calling up your baby to ask for a date, calling up your baby after the date to go "woo woo woo baby baby baby," calling up up your baby and having an unknown person answer at 3AM, calling up your baby and loudly breaking up, etc. The telephone issued in a vast, new, and instant way for us to communicate...but we are still jackholes, all.

There are probably songs about texting, I suppose, but they've got to suck. I don't even want to know.

Here are a few of my favorite songs from my personal music stash about telephones, telephone calls, and the delight, boredom, misery, confusion, or lovesick sighing that may await on the other end of the magic wire.

Let's start out with the best from the West with X! "Your Phone's Off the Hook But You're Not" is a great line, is it not? Double MEGABONUS here in the video from a couple years ago here at the Moore Theater is that you can see YOURS TRULY, ME in front of  guitarist Billy Zoom workin' with mah big ass camera!

X - "Your Phone's Off The Hook, But You're Not"



Mick Jagger is still not satisfied -- he's got a pick-up problem, too.

Rolling Stones, "Off The Hook"



There's a audio processing effect on Garage Band on my Mac called "Telephone Wires" that sounds just like the guitar on this song, so I'm probably incorrect confident that was the inspiration for this even if professional wrestler professional composer Haystack Calhoon Lars Finberg refutes it.

I can't explain the random photos used to make this video. I should do a new one for it, eh.

The Intelligence, "Telephone Wires"



If this song by Al Green doesn't make you melt into a total pile of butter, you are a robot or dead. Come on, Butter...pick up the phone. Myyyyyyy goodness!

Al Green, "Call Me (Come On Home)"



"Call Me" by Reigning Sound is sweet, soul-tinged reference to another era...like when people had landlines.

Reigning Sound, "Call Me"



You are undoubtedly most familiar with '60s baroque-pop band the Left Banke for their mega-hit "Walk Away Renee," but every single song on their first album was a gem, like this.

The Left Banke, "She May Call You Up Tonight"



I bought this song on a split-pea-soup-green-label 45 when it came out, always kinda of a sucker for a song with a little story/mystery to it, a fine melody, and a strange minor piano riff thrown in there. I remember thinking that "Marianne" wasn't anywhere as cool of a name as "Rikki," but I didn't get why they pronounced it "Reek-y."

Steely Dan, "Rikki, Don't Lose That Number"



Speaking of songs I have owned FOREVER, here's another one. For the longest time, this was my favorite song off of the Kinks' brilliant "Face To Face" album, because I thought it was very silly and jaunty and great, and I love Dave Davies' funny voice. I fully understand that many of you will have no idea what a "party line" was. Google it, lazeballs.

The Kinks, "Party Line"



I want to make this CLEAR: I truly HATE this next song. I am including it here only as yet another example of how the 1970s TORTURED ME. Why don't YOU be 15 years old and stuck on a damn schoolbus for HOURS while this climbed the charts and the bus driver would turn the radio UP when it came on?!!  It is seriously a wonder that I didn't SNAP.

Meri Wilson, "Telephone Man"



This song was so over-wrought with pathos some feel it was a novelty record, but when I was a kid I was really hoping Sylvia would knock the phone out of her mother's grip and get back together with that lovelorn desperate dude who didn't even have enough money to stay on the stupid pay phone. I am a hopeless romantic.

Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show, "Sylvia's Mother"



You want a real weeper? The Carter Family's got it down. Man.

The Carter Family, "No Telephone In Heaven"



This is SO '80s and I was never a DANZE KLUB kid then, but Pete Shelley knows how to write really catchy songs. I bought it.

Pete Shelley, "Telephone Operator"



This is so early-Beatles (with an exquisite Hollies-style break) that I expect to see Ed Sullivan announcing it. So cute. Have you noticed that the main lyrical theme to these songs is that NO ONE PICKS UP THE DAMN PHONE?

The Black Angels, "Telephone"




This is a fave from the Maharajahs, again with the Beatles thing going on, with a lil' Stones and Monkees thrown in for good measure. I, too, am mildly irritated when people call and don't leave a message, other than if they were the Grim Reaper or Donald Trump.

The Maharajas, "Please Leave A Message For Me"



And finally, not a song about a telephone and not even a song, but a TELEPHONE. It's NSFW or for the kiddies, and if you are my kiddies reading this, go call your Grandma or something.

Cursing Baby Toy

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JOEY HEATHERTON, VERY SEXY PERSON OF THE '60S

It's so weird how you learn about the world, really, and the perceptions you come away with that you may never discuss with a single soul during the course of your entire life. One of those things you have to process when you are a kid is the whole concept of "sexy." I was a lil' sponge in the '60s when this came up, and that, we can all agree, was a super-sexy time: long hair on guys, miniskirts, Cleopatra eye makeup, and general go-go/hippie abandon. But I led a sheltered life, and had no idea at all what "sex" was, and no one was bursting to tell me either, fortunately. So I had to figure out what on earth it meant when someone like Dean Martin or Don Rickles or Thurston Howell III meant when they called a woman "sexy" on TV. WHAT WAS SEXY?

Hmmmmmm, said tiny me, "sexy" seems to be "pretty," but hmmmm...it doesn't seem like...every pretty girl...is "sexy." "Sexy" seems to be a good thing, but there also seems to be something...hmmm...mysterious about it. Like there's something the adults are REFERRING TO that I DON'T UNDERSTAND as much as I WOULD LIKE TO. This was extremely irritating to me, when I didn't understand adult stuff, because DAMMIT, I thought of myself as just as VALID as any adult and HEY I'M SMART, YOU CAN'T FOOL ME! I worked harder at figuring out what "sexy" might be, and was just smart enough to figure out that it was highly likely my parents would not appreciate their preschooler asking about sexiness.

So, who helped me figure it out, or at least make my way towards nodding knowingly years later? I think, upon refection, in part it was actress/singer/dancer Joey Heatherton. If you are much younger than I am, you might not recognize her name at all; she's been pretty much out of the spotlight since the '70s. But in the mid-'60s, she arguably reigned as the decade's Queen of All Sex Kittens. Still a teenager when she began making the rounds on TV variety shows, she worked sexy like no one else, with her just-out-of-bed blonde hair, pouty pale lips, smoky, heavy-lidded, world-weary eyes, and a body that could make men (and hey, probably more than a few women) weep in frustration.

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FIVE TERRIBLE ATTEMPTS AT COVERING AEROSMITH'S "DREAM ON"

There are some classic rock songs that are so strongly performed in their original form that it's really difficult for other musicians to do them any kind of sonic justice, especially when trying to stay true to the arrangement and style. Think of it like those funny home videos where a kitten is trying to catch a laser pointer dot wiggling on a wall, leaps valiantly into the air, and falls behind the sofa. The attempt is sincere and passionate, yet the failure is complete. One of these songs that almost always cannot be done well by anyone else, IMHO, is Aerosmith's "Dream On," from 1973. Steven Tyler's vocals are so grand and identifiable in the song, and he takes GREAT big crazy leaps and jumps all over the place in true rock god style. It's not for the faint-of-heart or small-of-balls vocalist. Yes, not everyone can pull this off, but today we will celebrate those human laser kittens who tried with all their might. Please to enjoy...and remember, the vocals at the end to this song = BEST PART!

Oh, dear. Here we have "Anastacia," who looks like she just stumbled out of "Real Housewives of Reno" and sounds like a pissed-off nosejob trying to break its way out of her fish-lipped face. In the YouTube comments to this video, she angrily asserts there is no autotune on her voice here. She is a big silly Liar McLiarberg. I rename her "Autotunia" forevermore.

Anastacia, "Dream On"



This is "Kaveh." This is what he has to say:  "Watch in HD, A cover of the Aerosmith song "Dream On" which is one of my favourites of all time. Obviously took a few days to do both the audio, and then a week for the video. But I think this is visually as impressive, or even more impressive then the medley!"

It sure is. Lulzarama.

Kaveh, "Dream On"



I know this young man was only in 8th Grade here and clearly has some playing skills, but you know...TUNING IS GOOD. REAL GOOD. This could be the theme song to every Saturday afternoon in every Guitar Center everywhere. I am fascinated by the expressions on his classmates in the background.

An 8th Grader, "Dream On"



Oh, honey. No. No. No. No. No. No.

I think someone has a Eddie Vedder fixation here. Which is bad, because Eddie Vedder is a terrible singer. Although...maybe this is Eddie Vedder. It's kinda dark.

The scream part is sublime.

Eddie Vedder II, "Dream On"



And finally, my fave. Don't sue me if your dog goes crazy and bites Grandma while this is on.

Captain Hormone, "Dream On"

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GETTING BARACK'S BACK STARTS NOW: HERE'S WHY & WHAT YOU NEED TO DO

I honestly feared that he wouldn't be able to do it.

I expected to be facing today with a heavy heart learning that Barack Obama lost the presidential election to Mitt Romney. But that didn't happen, despite every last bitter effort from the GOP over the last four years to discredit and disenfranchise the President and his supporters. Barack Obama won the election, Romney conceded, and the worst of my fears were soothed.

But I am not celebrating. I am pleased about the outcome, relieved, but infinitely more somber than I was after Obama's 2008 win. His victory yesterday was hardly a mandate from the American people; almost half of them voted for a man who became best known for his remarkable facility to lie, conceal, dismiss, offend, and vacillate on his positions almost daily. Horror shows like Michelle Bachmann and Sheriff Joe Arpaio were retained, despite overwhelming evidence that Arpaio is a corrupt racist of the highest magnitude, and Bachmann is a feeble-minded zealot. The House remains in strong Republican control, and John Boehner already weighed in last night with a vow to never raise taxes; the obstructionist Congress with continue. The GOP added more governors to their ranks last night, leaving us with the bizarro world of places like my home state of Wisconsin, where voters didn't recall the Tea Party billionaire's batboy, Scott Walker, yet went blue for Obama.

Over one million American citizens voted for Missouri GOP Senate candidate Todd Akin, he of the fabulously, stunningly, horrifically ignorant "legitimate rape" position. One. Million. People. And once again, we see simple facts played out on a big red-and-blue patchwork map: the poorest, least-educated,  most religious, primarily rural areas overwhelmingly vote conservative and the wealthiest, most-educated, and least-religious areas with higher-density urban populations vote progressive.

We remain, today, still fundamentally divided, and no closer to working together as a functional democracy.

So, if you don't want four more years of the GOP spending all of their time and effort pandering to the richest and their pathetic money-hoarding, self-serving, morally-bankrupt agenda, trying to buy their way into heaven by pretending to care about babies, and smirking while every credible, non-oil-industry-paid-for scientist screams that we must act NOW to stave off more destruction to our planet, you have to step up. Not just at election time, but ALL the time. And not the other guy, either...YOU. It is YOU and YOU ALONE that can break the grip the ignorant and fearful and intolerant have on our country, and if you do not, we aren't gonna make it. Radicalism on both sides will become even more prevalent, and radicals often behave like they have nothing left to lose.

If you want the gridlock to end, you must become your government representative's NEW BEST FRIEND. If you don't know the names, phone numbers, websites, and email addresses of ALL your state and federal reps, do it TODAY. Post them where you can see them every day. Then tell them, often and with steely resolve, that you expect far more from them now. Tell then you are aware that many in Congress will be up for another term in a year or so, and that you and all your pals enjoy voting. Tell them they have to work together to serve ALL the people, not just those with the deepest pockets. And I cannot stress this one enough: pay VERY VERY close attention to what happens as Supreme Court vacancies come up and the nomination process begins. This will be the real legacy of Obama's presidency, and it is crucial that the very finest legal minds with characters that cannot be corrupted into making more devastating democracy-destroying decisions like Citizens United are selected to serve.

You must let your representatives know that you DEMAND transparency and equality, or you won't get it. And I include President Obama in that demand, for he too must answer for the NDAA, Guantanamo, drone warfare, and doing more to protect us from insidious "states' rights" horseshit that is so effective in achieving voter suppression, cutting off access to legal reproductive choice, and changing public school policies to promote religious-right beliefs.

No one man, and no one political party can do it alone. You voted, and I thank you. Now the real work starts. Take the momentum from today and keep running, or we will have learned very little from the last four years.

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MY ELECTION DAY CONVERSATION WITH MISS TEN

My daughter jumped in the car today after school, her hair whipping around in the fall wind that swooshed in as she opened the door, threw her backpack on the seat next to her, closed the door, and fastened her seatbelt. As we moved out of the pickup line, she began to talk with an intensity usually reserved for trying to arrange a sleepover or to convince me to give up the last ear of corn-on-the-cob.

Miss Ten: Mom, is it true that Mitt Romney once held a boy down and cut off his hair because the boy was gay?

Me: I don't know at all if the boy in question was gay, but yes, Romney and some other boys did do that. It was during the time when long hair on boys was seen by some people as antisocial and wrong.

M10: What does that matter?? It's a terrible thing to do!

Me: Yes, it is.

M10: Is it true too that he used to pretend he was a policeman?

Me: Yes.

M10: What???? Isn't that illegal?

Me: Oh, yes, it certainly is.

M10: Mom! What kind of person does things like this?? Why?

Me: I think...I think it tells you something about that person's character, how they were raised, how they think.

M10: Why didn't he ever get in trouble? Why didn't he go to jail?

Me: (sighing) Sometimes...things aren't fair.

M10: He was a bully. That's a bully.

Me: Yes.

M10: Oh, Mom.

Me: I know.

M10: I feel like crying.

Me: Don't! Remember, no matter what happens today or any other day, there are good, fair, and honest people who will always be working as hard as they can to do the right things. All we can do is try our best to be kind, and call out bullies when we see them. It's just something we have to do all our lives. It's part of our responsibility to ourselves and the rest of the world.

M10: Don't you ever get sad?

Me: Sure. But I've been through a lot of elections now, and some where I felt really terrible about who won. I just can tell you that there's always a chance for us to make things better, at some point.

She went silent for the rest of the trip home, jumped out of the car when we got home, and turned on the TV to watch the election results. I looked at her and saw myself 40 years ago, laying on my stomach in front of the TV, never thinking for a minute "my" candidate wouldn't win.

The journey uphill never ends, but I'll walk with her as far as I can go.

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THE DAY BEFORE THE ELECTION, ME 'N WOODY G. WEIGH IN

A reminder that:

FREEDOM is something we can lose in a heartbeat

and, that even in my lifetime, in the United States of America,

citizens have DIED for their right to VOTE.

You must not give up. You must not give in to apathy and cynicism and hopelessness. You must not let those who act out of fear and ignorance drown your voice. You must not let those who are intolerant of others and allow hatred to spread like cancer make the rules of the game. You must step up for all of those whose lives will be deeply affected by the outcome of this election; they are counting on you to care. You must vote to ensure that the dangerous extremism that has gridlocked our nation into a division so dysfunctional that we are at real risk of social and economic collapse is removed from power. You must think past your own self-interest to the welfare of your community, your nation, your world, for each choice we make, even the smallest one, impacts everyone else in some way.

If you haven't yet voted, GET IN THE LINE AND DO NOT STEP OUT until you have finished voting -- it is FEDERAL LAW that if you are in line prior to the closing time that you MUST BE ALLOWED TO VOTE. DO NOT give your ballot to any party or person other than your official polling place or your post office. DOUBLE CHECK that you have all the ID and information that your state requires you to have to vote, and TRIPLE CHECK that you are going to the correct polling place. QUADRUPLE CHECK that you are correctly filling out every single piece of your ballot, including any signatures and dates. Help others to do the same. DOCUMENT ANY VOTING SHENANIGANS YOU MAY SEE. Remember, you are allowed to photograph or videotape on public property to your heart's content; that's also the law.

You must not give up, ever. If you feel outnumbered, if you feel intimidated, if you feel alone when you go to vote, I will stand by you and hold your hand, even if it's just in spirit.

“I hate a song that makes you think that you are not any good. I hate a song that makes you think that you are just born to lose. Bound to lose. No good to nobody. No good for nothing. Because you are too old or too young or too fat or too slim or too ugly or too this or do that. Songs that run you down or poke fun at you on account of your bad luck or hard travelling. I am out to fight those songs to my very last breath of air and my last drop of blood. I am out to sing songs that will prove to you that this is your world and that if it has hit you pretty hard and knocked you for a dozen loops, no matter what color, what size you are, how you are built, I am out to sing the songs that make you take pride in yourself and in your work. And the songs that I sing are made up for the most part by all sorts of folks just about like you. I could hire out to the other side, the big money side, and get several dollars every week just to quit singing my own kind of songs and to sing the kind that knock you down still farther and the ones that poke fun at you even more and the ones that make you think that you've not got any sense at all. But I decided a long time ago that I'd starve to death before I'd sing any such songs as that. The radio waves and your movies and your jukeboxes and your songbooks are already loaded down and running over with such no good songs as that anyhow.” 
― Woody Guthrie

Woody Guthrie, "All You Fascists Bound To Lose" 

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GUEST POST & PHOTOS: RALLY FOR PRESIDENT OBAMA, HOLLYWOOD, FL. 11/4/12

(My wonderful friend Stacy Budowsky is my guest today, and she brings you photos of a few of the thousands of SoFla people who waited hours in line today to see President Barack Obama speak at a rally in her town of Hollywood, Florida. Some of her notes about today and how voting has gone in Florida are included as well. Thank you so much, Stacy, for catching an important moment in history!)

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VIDEO: "DANCE LIKE THIS" BY WIMPS

Time for a new YouTube ancient footage pilfer video!! Seattle's own garage punk trio wimps are the very delightful Rachel Ratner, Matt Nyce, and Dave Ramm, and this is the demo of their song "Dance Like This," because, you know, I like dancing and music and seeing ancient people from the past get hammered on beer and fall down. You can download this song and others by wimps RIGHT HERE FOR FREE, and watch for new recordings coming from them very soon.

Me, I'm going out ballroom dancing later with Snorky. Please to enjoy!

"Dance Like This" - wimps



wimps (Rachel Ratner), Neptune Theater, Seattle WA. 10/7/12 - photo taken by ME, PERSONALLY

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IPHONE PHOTO ROUNDUP: FALL IN JUANITA BAY PARK, KIRKLAND, WA.

My daughter often asks me as I pick her up from school in the afternoon if we can go to a local park for awhile. Almost always, I have to say no; there are errands to run, classes to attend, homework to do, dinners to cook. But today, as the rain took a break, I said yes. We pulled into Juanita Bay Park in Kirkland, WA. to find it mainly deserted, apart from a few joggers and dog walkers here and there. We walked around, marveling at the last of the fall leaves, the colors, the little spots of neon green grass growing the shade of a tremendous dark pine tree, and the peacefulness of it all. We talked about photography and kinds of moss and animals that might be living in an old hollow log. But most of all, we had a nice time just being together.

I took some photos along the way. Please to enjoy.

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MOVIE REVIEW: THE ROLLING STONES' "CHARLIE IS MY DARLING" - IRELAND 1965 (2012)

I don't think it is possible to be indifferent about the Rolling Stones, provided that you have had more than a cursory exposure to their music and celebrity over the last fifty years. Fifty years! Can this be true? I ask myself as I sit in the tiny darkened Northwest Film Forum in Seattle waiting to view, at last, "Charlie Is My Darling," and not indifferent at all to the passing of time nor to the Stones. Indeed so, fifty years, I think, as I notice that most of the people surrounding me in the theater have gray hair, even older than I am, out on a Thursday night to view a slice of rock n' roll history, excited.

If you are a Rolling Stones fan like I am, you have waited a long, long time to see "Charlie Is My Darling," a tour documentary directed by Peter Whitehead, shot at two concerts in Ireland in the Fall of 1965. Years of legal wrangling and hesitations over presentation combined with the need for the film to be completely scanned and restored left this document unseen by most until now, when it is released on DVD November 6th. Think of "Charlie Is My Darling" as the companion piece to the Beatles' "A Hard Day's Night" film except that that it's all real -- no scripts, no actors. It's an hour or so of what touring life was life for a white-hot band riding the crest of the British beat wave in that fleetingly-short time period before their fame led to isolation from any kind of normal lives at all, and the excesses and costs that went with it.

I spent most of the film smiling my face off, for "Charlie Is My Darling" turned out to be unexpectedly charming and just impossibly, ragingly cool. Seeing the Stones and manager/ boy Svengali Andrew Loog Oldham wedged in a hotel room working out the song that would become "Sitting On A Fence" is a fascinating glimpse into their creative process, and seeing Jagger and Richards bust out tipsy cover versions of Elvis, Fats Domino, and, yes, the Beatles, is hilarious. Those things alone would be amazing enough, but the live performances are simply jaw-dropping in the raw intensity of both band and fans. The restored sound quality for the concert scenes is pumped up and just sounds fantastic -- a thousand times better than any other early Stones live recordings I've ever heard -- and the band is just slamming away garage-punk style on songs like "The Last Time," "Down The Road Apiece," "Everybody Needs Somebody To Love," and of course, "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction." My gut reaction was to stand up and DANCE, but considering I was in a movie theater, I did not. But I really, really wanted to.

The baby-faced Irish teen fans of 1965 who were so shy and sweet on-camera in pre-show interviews turned into sweaty screaming maniac rioters, bodies tumbling and writhing in a desperate effort to get closer to the stage. Within ten minutes of each show, they succeeded, and one-by-one leapt up to tackle a Stone, kiss a Stone, dance next to a Stone, or grab the mic and yell in full, glorious, perfect rock n' roll insanity. All of them, I ponder, would be in their sixties or seventies now, if they are still alive. What a gas, gas, gas.

There are short interview pieces with each member of the band inset throughout the film, and it is a reminder how people truly are who they are throughout their lives. Charlie Watts and Bill Wyman are the regular sods, still a bit dazed and embarrassed by their new fame. Keith Richards is nearly all of the time doing something musical -- prettily playing on an acoustic guitar backstage, pounding out early rock songs on a found piano, singing harmonies and lyrics back to Jagger, honing new compositions. When a giggly young girl plucks out a hair off the back of his head as a souvenir, he just glares at her and walks away. Jagger opines thoughtfully on the state of the world and his place in it, and you can see the very-rapidly-forming persona that would become Mick Jagger within a year, curling around the gawky, skinny, not-all-that-cool Michael Jagger, student of economics. And then there is Brian Jones, with his perfect blond bowl hair, his suburban accent, and his artistic hopes/pretensions. He is asked about what he sees himself doing when the Stones are done, and he replies somberly that it worries him. He would have, at that time, less than four years of life left.

As the Rolling Stones celebrate their 50th Anniversary as a band this year, I can't think of any better tribute to them than "Charlie Is My Darling." See for yourself why we came out to the theater, and why I am endlessly, deeply, gushingly grateful to have been born in time to feel some of that kind of musical energy as it was happening. I just bet that my fellow movie patrons with the sensible shoes may have a stage jumping story or two, too.

"Charlie Is My Darling: Ireland 1965" movie trailer

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I HAVE, TODAY, FOUND THE GREATEST HOLIDAY GIFT EVER MADE

OH BOY, PEOPLE!!!

You see how big that is? That's because I'm EXCITED! Today, I just happened to come across this SPECTACULAR item for sale that is REAL and that you really MUST buy for someone on your holiday gift list this season.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Boys and girls...

From Solutionsthatstick.com, I bring you...

SUBTLE BUTT DISPOSABLE GAS NEUTRALIZERS!!!!!!

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SPAM POEMS 18

(Ahhh...it's been awhile since I've arranged a few of these for you! Verbatim from spam comments here, crap links removed,  just set in poetic form. Please to enjoy!)

1.

How the courtroom

what kind of holds about 400 families

turned out to be packed

which has lawmakers since

across the type of street

having Congress,

prominent attorneys,

major Obama administration officials,

and then those who paid others,

along with waited themselves

over the actual weekend for you to enjoy virtually any seat

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FIVE REAL-LIFE DESPERATION RECIPES FOR HURRICANE SANDY SHUT-INS

Once again, I aim to bring you information designed to enhance your lives, especially in times of crisis, like the vicious wind-and-water cluster-eff that is currently battering The Side Of The Country With Old Buildings And Seinfeld And Monuments. Millions of you are going to be cooped up in your homes for days, probably without power or fresh water, and you are going to get very bored...and hungry. I've thoughtfully come up with some practical, easy-to-fix recipes for you to use in this scenario, made from items that you likely have in your pantry. Please to enjoy, and if you MUST go out, at least photobomb a news reporter kayaking down your flooded street.

Italian Dinner For One

1 jar Prego spaghetti sauce
packet of stale saltine crackers
garlic powder

Open jar of spaghetti sauce. Drink straight from jar. Sprinkle garlic power on saltines and eat along with sauce. Serve with leftover bottle of red wine from last week that you didn't enjoy at all.

Mediterranean Tuna Salad For Cat Owners

1 pull-top can of albacore tuna, packed in oil
1 12 oz. can garbanzo beans
5 cocktail olives from a jar in the very very back of the fridge

Open can of tuna, drain. Give the tuna oil to cat that is going completely insane. Flake tuna into large bowl. Attempt to open can of garbanzo beans, but realize that you don't own a manual can opener and the power is out. Swear. Use screwdriver to force several holes into top of bean can until you can shake most of them out. Drain; pick out metal flakes, pour beans into bowl with tuna. Retrive olive jar from fridge. Scream when you turn around to put the olives in the bowl with the tuna and the beans and see the cat eating it. Decide to eat it anyway.

Melted Ham & Cheese Sandwich

2 slices hearty bread
3 slices deli ham meat
3 slices Cheddar, Swiss, or Gouda cheese 
mayonnaise

Cut mold off of bread slices, then generously slather one side of each piece with mayonnaise. Place ham and cheese slices on bread, and close sandwich. Using a tongs, heat over large emergency candle until bread is toasted and cheese just begins to melt. After eating, panic that the mayonnaise, ham, and cheese is all rancid from being in the fridge without power for three days. Throw up in toilet. Use saved fresh water you stored in bathtub to flush toilet.

Breakfast Cereal Pastiche

1 c. any boxed breakfast cereal
1/2 c. raisins
1/8 c. sliced almonds
1 six-pack beer

Combine dry ingredients in large bowl. Add beer until you don't care anymore about how bad it tastes. Serve promptly.

Peanut Butter Blowout

1 jar peanut butter, smooth or chunky

Open jar of peanut butter. Use spoon to eat from jar until you never want to see or smell peanut butter ever again.

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