WELL RESPECTED MEN: VAMPIRE WEEKEND IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

The world of rock n’ roll is an endlessly entertaining landscape of characters, both real and lyrical. One way or another, the misfits, the defiant, and even a few heroes find their way there, delivered via anything from a filthy cigarette-smoke-filled tour van to a blinged-out Maybach, from a geeky nerd who can barely make eye contact with an audience to the dude who ended his 9th grade role as Romeo with a stage dive, making the devil horns sign on his way down. I love them all.

I started thinking about the mix of all these characters last night as I attended a concert by Vampire Weekend at the imposingly-American D.A.R. Constitution Hall in Washington, D.C. How perfect, really, that a group known for wryly writing about their rich kid, Ivy-League backgrounds performed at this grand venue, with four golden eagles standing guard at the ceiling and little white stars on every Federal Blue seat. I think of Vampire Weekend a bit like the grandsons of the dissolute, old-money privileged playboy of so many of Ray Davies’ songs -- think “A Well Respected Man,” “House In The Country,” “Most Exclusive Residence For Sale,” “Sunny Afternoon” – with a distinctly modern take on social class. Spinning it further, Vampire Weekend takes Grandfather’s Kinks 45’s, Great-Grandfather’s symphony long-players, Mother’s ‘80s British ska revival, new wave, and punk records, and Father’s world beat and bird call recordings, and makes something out of it all that is completely unique. Absolutely delightful character, out of what most would assume safety, blandness, and uniformity, with a wink of an eye and sparkling, silver-edged, soaring pop songs.





L.A.-based band Abe Vigoda opened the show, and were politely if not overly-enthusiastically received. I think this was not because of the formality of the venue, but that their songs didn’t really stand out. Especially for those of us who have seen more than a few style revivals, Abe Vigoda seemed like some nice young guys who love the ‘80s, do that little tippy-toes Big Country dance thing, have heard The Fall and Echo and the Bunnymen and such, have live drums that copy old Synsonics patterns, a few retro beeps and boops here and there…you know what I mean. They didn’t suck, but there was nothing to grab onto in their live set that was memorable or new, and I don’t know how you can survive long in indie land if you aren’t serving up great songs or great sounds or a great performance or some combo of the three.



All three great things belonged to Vampire Weekend last night, beginning with the opening song, “White Sky.” Honestly, I don’t know how Ezra Koenig hits those big swoopy falsetto notes so well, but he does. I do know how the band [Ezra Koenig (lead vocals, guitar), Rostam Batmanglij (keyboards, guitar, vocals, possessor of the world’s coolest last name), Chris Tomson (drums), and Chris Baio (bass guitar, vocals)] plays so, so well. They are all REALLY DAMN TALENTED, is how. Intelligent without being bores, powerful without bludgeoning force, sweet and fun without sugary soulless pop filler…such a clever mix of influences and getting the most out of each band member. The crowd knew every word to every song, and the people at the very back of the hall danced just as enthusiastically as those in front.







MissSeven sat by my side at her second concert ever (the first being the Soft Pack in January) and her spontaneous responses to Vampire Weekend made me smile – clapping, giddy smiles as she recognized her favorite songs, air drumming, head bopping, singing along, dancing. Our seats up on the side provided her with a good view. My small camera struggles at such range, but I got a few things for ya.







I wondered when the single “Cousins” was released if the band could accurately play it live at its breakneck pace. Answer: yes!



“A-Punk” was the first Vampire Weekend song I ever heard, and I was hooked. They know how to write songs that you want to sing along to and dance to, and that aren’t the sleaze-drip dance-pop that riddles the Top Ten with stank. So many people were dancing during “A-Punk” last night that the floor shook, and I had a little trouble holding the camera still for it. Fun!



Vampire Weekend, because of their whole Richie Rich, popped-collar prep vibe and take on African-style music, polarizes listeners. They have a slew of detractors who see them as spoiled brats co-opting music that they can’t possibly understand or feel, updating Paul Simon’s “Graceland” with skinny jeans and slightly-emo/geek haircuts, and that they are just relentlessly too white-bread. Those of us who love them though find something else, understanding that an image gets your collective band foot in the door, but your top-notch songs keep the door wide open. Take any Vampire Weekend song – any – and give it to another artist to interpret and they will stand up. I’ll say it a million times: a good song is a good song, no matter what.







I had the feeling last night that I was lucky enough to see a band in top form, that golden little piece of time where everything is going right. They are only two albums into their career and I think are very excited by their progress as musicians, and know the directions to take to keep creatively growing. They are, in their very unexpected way, misfits – defiantly making the kind of music they enjoy despite some of the Polarization Bears, and that makes them all a touch heroic to me.

Rock on, you crazy kids. Can you loan me, like, ten grand, too? TIA.

BIRD BIRD PANDA: THE NATIONAL ZOO

Out and about in Washington today, we decided to go to the National Zoo, along with FIVE MILLION PEOPLE PUSHING BABY STROLLERS. Or more accurately, not pushing them at all and stopping them across the zoo pathways impeding my forward movement so 6-mo-old Dirkus Jr. can see the foot of a sleeping leopard. My feeling is that most often Dirkus Jr. would be happier hanging out at home until he's actually big enough to see anything besides a parade of other people's butts. Grumble grumble. The escalator was all broken on the Metro station too, and the walk down was so steep I got all dizzy and stomach upset, which may have affected my mood.



But no matter. The weather turned hazy warm, and we veered away from most of the IMPEDERS and spent most of our visit at the bird exhibits. I like birds. They are so...prehistoric and peculiar and beautiful. There were many fine specimens and I enjoyed taking their pictures. I can't tell you the names of them because, frankly, I don't care. I just like looking at them.







This guy looks like he's all sad to be pooping out a lovely colorful bird.



I like how they all get along. I wonder if birds gossip. Surely they do.














Beware!!! The Aggressive Crone! Oh, wait. Crane. Sorry.



Bird texture time! I get all excited about this sort of thing.
















Spring is in the air -- bird flirtation games!



Bird...bird...bird...bird... PANDA!



Thank you birds and panda of the National Zoo for improving my mood. I will leave you with some Zoo Zen.

EVERYBODY'S IN SHOWBIZ

Me: So, if you met Barack Obama walking down the street, what is the one question you would ask him?

MissSeven: "Can I be your manager?"

THE DEAL

I am, once again, flinging my way across the country inside of a large bouncing metal tube – this time, once again, to our nation’s capital. Washington, D.C. is not exactly known as the place for brave and honest expression of truth and opinion and such. It’s Deal Central, schmooze or lose. No one can afford to say what’s really on his or her blue-suited mind. I mean, look what happened when Obama snarked on SCOTUS recently. Alito and Roberts cried about it to the media as an “unprofessional” act. At what point exactly did saying what you really mean become taboo, for just about anyone in the public eye? When did everything have to become so PC and bland and careful and couched? It’s not a liberal thing – it’s a DEAL thing. Nobody seems to want to take any risk at all, lest someone with a little more deal and power and clout whack you in the money snout. Not to mention that if you look cross-eyed at someone these days they will sue you for leyeball. Forgive me for that last one. I can’t help it.

I was reminded of this again as I was reading the latest issue of SPIN magazine on the plane. I like SPIN; I think it tries very hard to be both literate and cool in covering popular music, with writers that know their ways around a descriptive phrase or two, but man…let me say this honestly and such: I am SO tired of reading music, movie, TV, and restaurant reviews where everything is 7 or 8 out of 10, or 4 out of 5 or something similarly “above-average.” It’s like everyone and everything went to live at Lake Wobegon. If you read a lot of reviews, pay attention to this “dumbing up/flattening out” phenomenon. All is well and solidly OK, DO NOT PANIC! Don’t get too excited either. It’s rare to see things get panned, and not very common to see things where reviewers are genuinely thrilled either. The bell curve has been skewed to EVERYTHING’S FINE, JUST FINE, THANK YOU. This means nobody’s feelings get hurt, whether for a criticism or just by someone else being lots better, and things that are deserving of extra praise or spotlight might not get it. It’s like it’s almost embarrassing to feel strongly about something.

I’m bored with the predictability of all this, from any forum. No one wants to be disliked, no one wants to get sued, can’t we all just get along? Bah! Now on the other hand, do not misunderstand me – I’m a big fan of manners, kindness, and reasonably civil behavior. That’s how I get to fly on airplanes without some kind of air marshall standing on my throat. And we all know that the internuts in particular is filled to the brim with faceless, gutless trolls who would pee their pants in fear if they tried to say their ugly crass reactionary comments face-to-face to anyone (and if they did, they are probably drunks, sociopaths, or Tea Bag Hags). No, what I miss seeing is truthful, elegant, incisive non-agenda-led critical analysis, with a decent sense of humor and priorities thrown in. All this fence-sitting has led to a world of wishy-washy wobbly Humpty Dumpties, never willing to take a fall and get scrambled. Bad becomes mediocre, mediocre becomes very good, and both vile and brilliant languish somewhere in the sea of oatmeal.

I wish I could start a magazine filled with the very honest, well-thought-out opinions of a wide range of people whom I admire for what they did or are doing or may will do in the future: Ben Franklin, Mark Twain, Charles Dickens, Charles Bukowski, Henry Rollins, Paul Williams, Nora Ephron, Spencer Tweedy, Lester Bangs, Barack Obama, Diablo Cody, Oscar Wilde, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Fred Schruers, Roger Ebert, Cameron Crowe, Pauline Kael, MissSeven, Graham Greene, Andrew Loog Oldham, Ira Robbins, Iggy Pop, Sarah Silverman, and any three-year-old, just for a start. I’d let them do their thing, fill up the visual space with wonderful photography and clever graphics, and call it THE DEAL. Like Consumer Reports, I would accept no ads, kickbacks, or freebies. I would entertain no feedback, positive or negative, in response to my dear writers. Write, take your $20 check from me before it bounces, and GET OUT and move on to the next thing you want to say or do, I would say. Be smart, be honest, and be fearless, I would say. Twenty bucks can buy you’re a decent amount of cheap beer or a muslin burka, I would say, gimme what you got. There will be readers who want to see what you have to say, because your words will feel like a cool tangy lemonade on a hot day, and you will be appreciated. Don't worry about the readers who will be appalled or threatened or offended or jealous, I would say. They suck.

But for today, THE DEAL must be shelved, as I have hungry children who now need to eat a pizza soaked in sweet, sweet justice. That’s what I am going to tell them is the extra-special ingredient in all D.C. food.

APRIL WHY DO FOOLS FALL IN LOVE DAY

WHY DO FOOLS FALL IN LOVE?

You want answers? WELL, DO YA PUNK?

‘K. I can do that.

Why do fools fall in love?


Fools primarily fall in love for the overwhelming biological mandate to produce children. Although fools are most likely to fall in love with another fool they have known for some time (see: propinquity), the primary driving forces in the beginning stages of love are attraction and lust. Psychologically, the fool brain also looks to receive the highly pleasurable emotions stoked by human intellectual connection, mutual admiration, and intimate acceptance. The hormones released during the initial phases of falling in love has been compared to crack cocaine in both its euphoric and addictive effects.

And lovers await the break of day?


The male fool usually awakes with an erection, a normal function of a healthy reproductive system. Testosterone levels are at their highest in the early morning hours.

Why do birds sing so gay?

Homosexual behavior has been observed in over 1500 species. In the avian world, this includes penguins, flamingos, and swans. Current research suggests that bird gayness is an expected natural variant of the avian population. It has not been determined if birdsong is effected by the judygarlandus effect.

Why does the rain fall from above?


When it is warm, air becomes saturated with water vapor coming up from our lakes, rivers, ponds, seas, canals, and oceans, forming clouds. Air becomes colder as it ascends, and the water vapor droplets within the rising clouds become heavier, and then fall to earth again as rain.

Why does my heart skip a crazy beat?

There may be several causes for heart arrhythmia, including stress, heart disease, fatigue, anxiety, anemia, low levels of oxygen, overuse of stimulants, hyperthyroidism, mitral valve prolapse, or fever. However, skipped beats are common even in structurally-normal hearts and the occasional crazy beat should not be a cause for unusual concern.

You're welcome.