I hate seeing Oscar award winners stumble over their acceptance speeches. There's just no need for it. Because I am thoughtful and wish to forever remove this time-wasting awkwardness for all of us, I have composed a boilerplate 20-30 second speech which may be used by ANY Oscar winner in the future:

Oh, wow. This is amaaaaaaazing! I can't believe it!

I just want to say how blessed I feel to have been nominated in the same company as all these other amazing people. They all inspire me so much. I feel so humbled just to be here tonight and grateful to be working in this industry.

Thank you to all the amazing team members involved in this film - without your talents, I would not be here. Thank you to my family for being so supportive -- I love you so much. And thank you, Academy, for this amaaaaazing honor. I will never forget this night!

There. No need to do anything else. This will leave far more time for everyone there to get smashed and provide fodder for the Star and People the next day, and more time for us to do almost anything more useful.

To conclude, my dear friend Kellie by request has made this instructional video for us, showing how to spell out "EFF THE OSCARS!" in sign language! Please to enjoy!

EFF THE OSCARS in Sign Language