As I was driving around today listening to the car radio, Josiah on SIRIUS XMU was wondering what this year's big "song of summer" was going to be. The Big Songs Of Summer usually suck, so my mind wandered off from whatever Josiah was saying and I began to think of songs about summer. It's a rich topic for songwriters, almost as much as writing about winter. (When you throw all the Christmas songs in there, Winter must be declared the winner.) Fall and Spring don't get a lot of attention in songs because transitional seasons just don't have the same emotional oomph; in summer, one is giddy with sand and sun and girls in bikinis, and in winter you pine morosely for sand and sun and girls in bikinis. And thus it shall ever be.

However, Summer Songwriters sometimes lose their minds and write songs that are giddily drunk on Coppertone. There's only so much happiness one can take, after all. Here are five songs that came into my head, UNWANTEDLY SO, that are unbearably Summeriffic.

1."Summer Nights" -- Olivia Newton-John, John Travolta and the cast of "Grease"

Oh, god, I hate this song. I want to pin it down to the floor and shoot it with a BB gun until it begs for mercy. I know people really, really, really love "Grease" and consider it a classic Broadway musical. I'd be OK with sending a BB or two their ways, too.

2. "Boys In The Summer" --Jessie James

This soul-destroying mess highlights everything that's wrong with pop music now. Listen to this woman's voice. It sounds like she's got several kinds of Autotuned amphibians living in her throat. This song exists only for you to watch her shake her cans. It is so generic and unmemorable that you forget it AS IT'S PLAYING. And trust me, YOU will never be one of Jessie's "Boys In The Summer," unless you are her gardener. Also, screw you, VEVO and your annoying ads. Thank you.

3. "Summer Night City" -- ABBA

I don't get the appeal of ABBA one tiny bit. Weak disco beats, appallingly-weak singing, with production that seems to have been pushed through the Blandinator with such force as to render the songs nearly sonically invisible. It is my belief that the four members of ABBA are actually space alien robots sent to consume human brains. I will not go to your "Summer Night City," ABBA!

4. "When Summer Comes Get A Chance With You" -- The Beach Boys (with Jan & Dean)

This is like pouring acid in my ears. I don't really like hearing men sing like flatulent, irritable chihuahuas. Sorry, boys, your singing and dimwitted song ensures NO CHANCE with me. NO. CHANCE. EVER.

5. "Summertime, Summertime" -- The Jamies

This may be the "summer" song I hate the most. It was a modest hit twice, the second time during the summer I was born. Unfortunately once you hear it, it lives in your brain like an evil snake winding in and out of your synapses, striking cruelly into your consciousness at inopportune moments, and in this case all moments would be classified as "inopportune." SUM SUM SUMMERTIME. MAKE IT STOP!

If I ever write a song about summer, I promise that it will not sound like an Autotuned robot chihuahua being consumed by a snake on Broadway. That's so a winter theme.