I try not to be too cynical. Conan O’Brien doesn’t like cynics, and I like Conan, so I do try not to be too rolleyes and hopelessly grim. The Supreme Court of our dear United States of AAAA-murrrica on January 21st in CITIZENS UNITED v. FEDERAL ELECTION COMMISSION, however, wrenches the cynic out of my core. If you are unfamiliar with this major reversal in legal precedent, here is the short version: corporations and unions can now spend all the money they would like to on American political elections. My immediate thought upon hearing this decision was, oh great, now they can just go above board rather than under the table, whoopee, big deal. It’s been a long time now that our political process has been all about who has the most money, the most influential backers, the most connections, the best catch phrases, and the nicest teeth. You’d have to be a fool to think there aren’t constant deals being made by the big players who want and need things from our government. No one gets to prominence by standing alone. It isn’t possible. But in this decision, the Court has just given the key to the candy store to the kids with the most money, and you can be quite sure those kids will buy up every last gumdrop there is to be had.

It’s depressing. Common sense would tell anyone, I would think, that when you give more power to the powerful, the inevitable outcome is corruption and steam-rolling. In a country that is supposed to protect the rights of all its citizens, to have all voices be heard and count for something, this decision will essentially snuff out the sound of anyone who doesn’t have the money to play the game, even more than it was like this already. Unions and Big Biz know very well how to influence the masses – it’s their specialty, after all – and they know that most people won’t be looking at their pretty ad campaigns with a skeptic’s eye. It’s not enough to have their money, you’ve got to own their votes, too. Then you’ve locked this place up, huh?

Right-wingers will say waaa waaa waaa, about time you liberals stopped infringing on the rights of businesses to participate in elections as they wish, to assert their positions in any way they like. It’s a capitalist country, free speech, First Amendment, yadda yadda. Well, sorry, even a 1st grader on the playground knows that if you give the 4th grade bully unlimited and unrestricted access to the nerdy kids, the bully is going to have a beat-down festival every day, all day, until there are no nerds left, access is curtailed, or the nerds organize a mutiny. COMMON SENSE.

I like that Obama had the guts to call out the 5 SCOTUS turds who voted for this idiocy in his State of the Union speech. Samuel Alito may have shook his head and mumbled at the president’s audacity, which I also like. Why pretend to all get along, and that everything is A-OK? This is a huge ugly misstep by the court, and someone in power should show anger about it, and right to their faces. You, yes YOU sitting RIGHT THERE, YOU FUCKED UP AND THE WORLD IS GONNA HEAR ABOUT IT. You sold out the last tiny bit of fairness in the election process there was, you agenda-led creeps, THANKS SO MUCH. I would have been completely thrilled if Obama and Alito had jumped up and had a fist fight over it. Best political moment ever, and the most honest. Hey, most powerful wins, huh? Isn’t that FAIR? Hmmmm?

Round One goes to Daddy Big Bucks. Round Two? Catch me on a less-cynical day.