I stopped watching television some time ago. This seems to put me into a rather tiny segment of the population, which also consists of media snobs, Idaho survivalist psychos, religious noodleheads, and the deceased. I am none of these things, and do not expect to become any of them in the future except dead, and I don’t even really believe that. But there is definitely something wrong with me, because I choose, choose!, to watch two shows a year, and they are of the same shameful ilk and from the same evil production company: American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance. My confession here is brave and I hope you appreciate the strength it took to admit this in a public forum.

I first must tell you flat out that I am not a 14-year-old girl. I was, but that was when television was even worse. Laverne & Shirley, my fucking god. Anyway, no, I am a grown woman, and I watch this crap. I also will tell you that I do not at all enjoy the music on American Idol. Nothing that any of the contestants have ever done has been anything that I would ever listen to again nor purchase. Actually, I am actively offended at almost every moment of each broadcast and roll my eyes and laugh derisively and curse and wish to throw things at my otherwise nice television. Do I enjoy hearing the tired format of quietsing-quietsing-builditup-THENGOFORTHEBIGNOTEYEAH!!!! No, no, I do not. Do I enjoy hearing screeching thin high notes and pitch misery and the utter PAIN of ANYTHING that comes out of the tiny brains of the industry whore judges? Nope, it hurts me. Do I think in any way this is some kind of real competition? Give me a break. Do I come away feeling better for having watched this crap again? Never.

WHY do I watch it? WHY? WHY? Out of all the shows, including a few that might actually be well-written and something I would like, WHY do I only watch THIS? At least the dance show has some appreciable and obvious physical talent, not to mention damn hot bodies to ogle. But AI? Aw, man. Man.

I think I know why I watch. That show represents the end of the old-style music business to me, all in one shiny awful package. It’s the last bastion of big sales and artist/audience manipulation. It is not at all about getting unheard talent out there – most of the contestants have been working pros in one way or the other. It is all about MONEY and how to wrest the last remaining bucks out of a public who will buy what is shoved in their faces most. I watch because it is part of this long history of music industry opportunism, which riles me. I watch to know what it is and where it is coming from now. Know your enemy, maybe. I ain’t got no stake in the game, but you can bet I am going to keep an eye on it.

I also enjoy laughing at voices cracking on live television and people falling down. That shit never gets old, HA HA, yessssssss!