I have a painting of a zebra in my house. I am staring at it RIGHT NOW, nicely lit as it is with an overhead halogen spotlight. It is a rather traditional sort of painting, and by painting I mean a print I got from Speigel, of a lone zebra standing inexplicably in a green forest. I was not aware there were any Forest Zebras, but there's the proof.

I do not remember at all why I bought this. I have no particular affinity for zebras or other wildlife representations in my home. I mean, zebras look cool, but I don't think about them all the time or collect them or anything. I find that sort of thing creepy. I once knew a woman, or at least it seemed like a woman a bit, who collected frogs. She was a good 350 lbs., and her rather seriously bloated face was not unlike a frog in full throat. Although frogs to my knowledge do not have disgustingly hairy chins and sound like a bellows breathing in and out. Anyway, she would buy anything and everything that had a frog on it, or was a frog, except no real frogs. I asked her once what was up with the whole frog thing, and she giggled and jiggled and said, illuminatingly," Hee hee! I don't know! I like them!" It got to be that every square inch of her home was stuffed with frog paraphernalia, and the only place left to go was her car. Her little wretched and bottomed-out Ford station wagon become filled with stuffed frogs, literally filled so only the front two seats could be used by non-frogs, and they only view from the rear-view mirror was FROGS. She was an unlikeable person to begin with, and I must say the frog car was the end of the line for me. I heard that she died a few years later, and wondered if she had been buried in a pond.

Zebras must be impossible to tame, or everyone would want one. I don't recall ever seeing anyone riding one. They must be surly; I mean, people even ride on nasty emus and elephants and camels and whales, zebras must just be saying, "WE AREN'T HAVING THAT SHIT, FOLKS, SORRY!" So they have no function to us other than to look pretty, similar to Lindsay Lohan or something. WTF has she ever done for me? I doubt she'd even bring me a glass of water. She should just sit somewhere. Maybe dance a little.

Maybe I got the zebra picture because subconsciously I knew he was an untamable rebel and would stand as an icon of revolution and personal power in my home. Or maybe I thought a painting of a zebra just standing in a forest was funny. Or maybe because it was cheap and a notch up from black light posters. In any case, I guess I am fond of him, my one zebra, standing singularly, absurdly, proudly, lit dramatically, ever still.